OK, this CL needs some input!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
OK, this CL needs some input!
16
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 11:20am

I have a question for you wise ladies!


After a week's vacation with his dad, my son suddenly wants to live with him full-time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 11:45am

ooooh those kids know how to push those buttons, don't they! they know just what to say to get to us...

i went thru this with my DS when he was younger. I am pretty sure that it has to do with the fact that there are no rules at dad's house. it may also have somethign to do with the fact that our DSs need/crave that dad/son bonding... there were two periods in DS's life when he kept saying/begging/threatening that he wanted to go to live with dad: first when he was 3-5 and we were newly divorced, and dad was on his own for a while - so it was fun at dad's house. and again, when i remarried. we solved that simply by saying "ok, fine" and that was pretty much the end of that.

you are not a bad mom - you are a good mom. parents who lay down rules are parents. parents who just want to have fun - are not parents, IMHO.

hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 12:51pm

So what do YOU do on vacation with your DS? Do you let him have cookies for breakfast and popcorn for dinner? Do you relax the rules a little bit or even completely? Of course! So, considering your XH is a parent for what, 1 month every year, total, do you think he has a lick of rules in his house? Probably not! And don't kids LIKE the few times we relax the rules? Heck yeah!

But that doesn't mean that they really want no rules. Rosie, who's almost 12, told me recently that Dad doesn't have enough rules. He just lets everything go and she likes coming home where there is some structure.

If I were you, I'd just keep using the "Thank you for telling me" line, which gets you off the hook for alot of things. You're polite and acknowledging the statement, but you're not promising to do anything about it.

You're a great Mom, because great Moms PARENT, they don't just play.

*hugs*

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 2:17pm
The answer to your issue is in the first line of your post.....DS just got back from a week's vacation with your Ex........BINGO.......come on.....life on vacation is not real life and if it was, we would all be on vacation all the time. Rules are lax and life is fun, of course you seem to be ignoring DS (in their minds) because you have real life going on....if you were on vacation you would be devoting alot more time to your son too. This will pass, he just had a great time with his dad and thats great. Remind your son that in the real day-to-day life even his dad wouldn't be able to spend as much quality time with him, vacations are completely different and that if he feels you are 'ignoring' him, that it's ok to speak up and tell you, that you will try to change how he feels. Good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 3:40pm

Thanks for the feedback. I needed it


Ex does have DS about 1/2 the time. This was just one of his two-week vacation times. I am REALLY nervous about how bad it will get when I return from my 10-day honeymoon in December. This whole thing has really stunned me.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 7:21pm

Hi Christine!

You didn't ask for a 'male point of view'---but if you don't mind PG would like to add his "2 cents" to the earlier comments.

GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON AND HAVE A GREAT TIME!

However...

Prepare yourself for more of the "Dad doesn't make me do this" type of argument from your son. It'll DEFINITELY come up on more than one occasion.

Parents have to set the standards...period! Whether they make sense to a child or teenager is immaterial. Simply because the moment your son leaves the house (hopefully, as a responsible young man and not a 'slug' who will terrorize the rest of the world), he's going to incorporate the VALUES HE GOT FROM YOU into his OWN LIFE!

No...he won't follow your "laws" to the letter...but if you're able to get across a few important points---it's entirely possible your son will pass them along (if and) when he's ready to start a family of his own?

Not that it matters...but when both of my sons left me...I told them this:

"You're going to receive all sorts of advice from all kinds of people. USE the advice that makes sense during the current phase of your life...and throw the rest of the crap away!"

I realize most parents would like their children to emulate them, but I honestly believe my sons (and the way they handle life's problems) ARE FAR SUPERIOR TO THE WAY I'VE TACKLED CERTAIN ISSUES!

Hope you have a wonderful Decenber marriage, Christine? And should you need the services of a pretty decent pianist/entertainer during your reception....you know where to find me! :)

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 10:49pm
Pretty decent????

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 11:05pm

I like Calla's "thank you for telling me" line :-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 11:41am

just be prepared for it - it WILL happen. your son doesn't hate you, and doesn't 'really' want to live with dad. he just thinks he does. the truth is that kids NEED the rules and the structure, they don't want their parents to be their friends, they have enuf friends. you know that. I can tell you now - my DS is 20, there is no WAY he would want to live with his dad NOW. even at his most difficult times, he knows that i have been a constant in his life, and that no matter what - i will always be there for him. his dad? he hasn't been in contact with DS for over 15 years....

I think especially around a second wedding - our kids dream that their 'real' parents will get back together, and all will be 'good' , and when we remarry, then they know that that dream will never come true.

Is there someone else in your life who can devote some extra time and love around the time of your honeymoon? maybe a favorite aunt or uncle who might be willing to 'spoil' him a bit?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 12:17pm

I appreciate your thoughts! Logically, I swear, I know all of this ;) But it still hurts me SO much to feel this way. DS chose to be woth his dad on Labor Day instead of me, and it just really stung.


Unfortunately, there are no family members that are wiling/able to spend those 10 days with him. And now, his dad thinks he won't be available during that time (I know he is available, but has decided to not be available). My parents and sister would be willing to spend a night or two with him, but beyond that, I don't think so. I feel so guilty going on my own honeymoon now, but it's all paid for so i can't exactly take it back.


I just have so much on my mind lately!




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 12:42pm

i know its hard, but it really ISN'T personal...

about your honeymoon - please don't feel guilty about that! you and your DF NEED this time alone, after all, you are plunging straight into 'family with kids' status.

here is a thought: it may be a good idea to find a good, reliable baby sitter NOW. i don't mean a HS student, i mean someone who is experienced and well known )preferably someone older) have this person spend some time with your DS NOW - before the honeymoon. this way, you will have another optional person on hand when the time comes. also - you will be able to be more firm with your ex if you know you have a good baby sitter lined up.

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