Old and alone
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Old and alone
| Tue, 07-11-2006 - 2:52pm |
I am going on 40 years old, and the thought of being old and alone is just about devastating to me. I always dreamed abut growing old with my husband and about all the wonderful things we'd do together when the kids were grown. I love him and don't want a divorce (and we are in counseling), but I can see the writing on the wall.
I'm also angry at him because I feel like my options after divorce are horrible, while hubby's are pretty good. I'll be stuck with all of the responsibilities of kids and the household, while hubby can basically go have a party. He'll have no trouble finding companionship if and when he wants it. Who's gonna want a flabby, 40, mother of someone else's kids?
Appreciate all wisdom and support.

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Wow.... I hope that's not true!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hugs, Brenda
Sometimes it does seem that it is easier for the ex's to go have fun. My ex only has our ds about 15% of the time. I've done a little dating, but I am currently not doing that - my son needs me a lot right now so I just don't have the time or energy. I've been divorced about 2 1/2 years and my ex is already engaged and will be remarried in Sept. This has really upset my ds - but not much we can do about it.
I was really mad for awhile because my ex would cancel his visitation or switch things around on me at the last minute to accomodate his dating. But now I've decided that I don't want to spend time and energy on being mad at him when I can't control what he is or isn't going to do. I also do not envy him....I seriously doubt that he's really addressed some of the issues he has that caused some serious problems in the marriage. His life may look pretty good on the surface right now, but I am not sure that he's going to be able to maintain it long-term. If he is basically the same person he's always been, the new wife is going to have an ugly awakening at some point and he is going to be experiencing some major emotional pain again. I hope it works out for him - if he's happy, 1) he'll leave me alone and 2) he'll be a better Dad to our son. If it doesn't, I can easily envision him going from relationship to relationship and never being truly happy or content.
Sometimes I do feel lonely and I wonder if anyone would seriously be interested in me...I am mid-40's with a 6 year-old special needs child. My ex made a nasty comment once about how maybe once our ds is older, then guys would maybe be interested in dating me. Ick. Meanwhile, at that time, he was doing the on-line dating thing and going on tons of dates.
What helped me was to stop imagining that my ex had a better life and was having more fun. I choose to try and concentrate on my own life and making it what I want it to be. I see my friends when I get a chance and try to find fun things to do. I signed up for Taekwondo and that helped me get in a little bit better shape. I am going to keep on working on staying fit - I feel so much better when I do that. What's helped me a lot the past few months in turning my depression around and letting go of my anger was reading "What Happy People Know" by Dan Baker.
I also remind myself that I could probably find someone to be with - however, am I really willing to settle for someone who is not a good match or who will not treat me well? I am going to be pretty darn picky about who I am going to let into my life! If I don't ever find someone to be with - that's OK - that is better than being with someone who hurts you, doesn't respect you, etc.
You never know what'll happen in the future either. When my Mom broke up with a boyfriend she'd been with for 14 years and she was in her early 60's, she was really depressed and was so sure she was going to be alone the rest of her life. Guess what? She decided she wasn't going to worry about it. She started doing new things that looked interesting and she met a nice guy while making new friends and doing new activities. I don't know if they'll marry, but you can see that they love each other and that is wonderful to see. Gives me hope!
If you do love your husband, work like crazy. If things don't work out, you'll know you gave it your best. If things work out, how wonderful that'd be. I wish you the best!
I totally understand those fears. I'll be 40 next year and I have two kids. Absolutely you should try to save your marriage but you should save it because that's what commitment is about not to avoid being alone. I hope I haven't been in my last relationship but if I sit around and make moping my full time job, I guarantee I've been in my last relationship. There's more to life than being married. Also, being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Currently I am alone but I am not lonely. I have tons of friends and lots of interests. You are right, it seems as if the guy gets the easy way out. Maybe they do. Still, life is to be lived and as long as you spend your time worrying about life being fair or terrified of being alone, you won't live. Mind you, we all have to grieve, wallow and throw a pity party for ourselves. It is all part of the process. I am not telling you that feeling afraid or angry is wrong or that you shouldn't. You should and will. At a certain point though you can decide to start a life for you. If you wait and think that life doesn't exist without a man or relationship, you can really miss out on a LOT! Join some organizations, do some volunteer work and take time to learn about YOU! If you learn to feel comfortable in your own skin and learn to enjoy being alone, won't feel like you have to cling to any loser that comes by. You can demand to be treated a certain way and wait until someone comes along that meets your standards. BTW, I am not dating for year because I don't want to rebound date. So, I go out and am not looking and because of that, I generally get attention when I go out. The last time I was out, I got hit on my a 26 year old! It's all about attitude.
Kimberly
I know you fee lost and alone,,I am going to be 50 this year ,was married for 26years when my stbx told me he wanted a divorce. he has also moved on with his life. just weeks after getting my divorce papers he went out and bought a new home and one month after that he went out an bought a new car,actually he is on his second car now. He was involved with a new chick before i even got my divorce papers.
He just got back from a vacation in Fla. and as I understand it he is on another vacation.
He makes a lot ,,ALOT more money then I do,,and has stalled this divorce for 2 1/2 years now.
I am basically living hand to mouth,I was broke going into this as I was the one who paid the bills with my income while he bought his toys and as I found out recently hid all of his money.
Someone told me when you enter into a divorce you throw out all fairness and logic.. and I am living proof that those words are true..
this man will retire in 10years with so much money I could vomit..I will continue to live hand to mouth with the little alimony i get from him
but you know what,,I will survive and I will live a damn good life just to show this A hole,I made it.
If you are meant to meet a new man,you will and he will love you for who you are on the inside and out. he will love your kids as his own.
If its meant to be it will happen and if not you will be fine,,don't think of this divorce as the end,,think of it as the second chapter in your new life,,a life full of love from your kids and the freedom that comes with that love.
you will be ok,, the greatest revenge we can all have ,,is to live a good life..
hang in there..
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." ...Helen Keller
Woah, my first response to this post "Old and alone" then I read your response "stillbelieves" and I have you both beat. I am turning 60 in August and came here for any advice regarding getting a divorce after 30 years of hanging in until you can't anymore. I started posting at iVillage around 1998 for "domestic abuse" big time and left with my life, literally in 2004. I had a restraining order for him for six years and my last lawyer destroyed my life, I had to move to another state. I was hoping that someone here could help with what to do about the divorce from hell. I never dreamed that this would be where I am today but "it is what it is" and I do matter. Take care everyone,
Luv, Sherry
I've had those thoughts myself. I'm 36 with 4 kids (two teens)and a big old house, and a demanding job as an RN. I've stayed in good shape and look young, but who the heck wants to be saddled with a stressed out mother of 4? It's yet to be seen.
I do have a BF of 4 months and we mostly spend time together when neither of us have our kids. We both have the same custody weekends so we usually get the kids together for a meal and swimming (he has 3 kids). Who knows how that would work out if we were to take the relationship to the next level. It's only been 4 months so no use stressing over living arrangements now. If it doesn't work out I know that I will be ok.
The thing is though, do we really need a man in our lives in order to feel complete? My ex mother-in-law's husband died 20 years ago when she was in her 50's and she never remarried. She hasn't exactly shriveled up and died. She has tons of friends that she does things with, travels with her daughters and is involved in church and various hobbies. She's been to Israel, the Acores, several cruises, the Amish country and has had alot of good times. All without a man.
NO WE DON'T. If we find a good one, great but otherwise being alone is SO much better than being with a bad one.
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