OMG I feel sick - it's not a bad dream

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
OMG I feel sick - it's not a bad dream
10
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 1:29am
It's really gonna happen, he wants a divorce b/c he has a gf who, in his own words, is a "dreamboat". 20 years! we've been married. He cheated the first time from 10/04 to 1/05, we made up and he started seeing this one 5/05. She moved from california to be here, he moved out yesterday at my request. I opened a bank account in my own name today, am finding my lawyer tomorrow and getting an appt asap. I am filing for disability asap and I'm not sleeping, I'm crying all the time, I'm so damn scared! I'm a smart girl, have people to help me think clearly but at the end of the day I'm so ALONE!! I'm still in shock, I found out 4 days ago and I'm just stunned. pls tell me I'm gonna be ok and what's gonna happen. we have 2 kids ages 12 and 14.
thank you
barb k.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 10:36am

Welcome to the board. You'll get amazing support here. You will be ok...people keep telling me "time heals all wounds". You sound like you have a good game plan. Don't waste time getting to the attorney...I wasted 3 months and now I'm getting so much less than my ex offered in the beginning.

Hugs. Hang in there!

<a href="http://www.GlitterMaker.com/"><img src="http://www.GlitterMaker.com/created/29175279.gif" width="368" height="127" border="0"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 12:02pm

Barb, you WILL be okay. Right now it feels awful, but I promise that you will start to feel better as this moves along. I had points so low I wished God would just let me die. Once I started rationalizing what I was going through it was easier. I knew it was normal to feel bad, so I decided to allow myself to feel bad and that each day I felt awful was one day closer to feeling better.

My ex and I were heading for divorce much longer than you have been, but when it all became hard cold reality it still hit me hard. This was just this past December, and I assure you it gets better. I wanted him gone, but I was also scared to death of being financially alone as well as trying to take care of the kids and house by myself.

I have been able to make it work, and you will too. You will find you are stronger than you thought and that things may even be easier with him gone. For me this was definitely so.

Hang in there and feel free to post whatever you need to. We are here to listen no matter what you need to talk or rant about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:38pm

Hi Barb.... I think he's leaving a "dreamboat"!


I'm so sorry.... but you deserve so much more love and respect than he's been giving... and being "alone" is far less "lonely" than staring at someone who is so disrespectful and BLIND!


It gets easier... and I'm so glad that you've already taken steps to secure your finances and speak to an attorney.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:27pm
Barb, you've already been alone for a long time! Your husband has been unfaithful and hasn't been "there" with you anyway. You couldn't have been happy in your marriage with this cheating man. You will be better off without him and all the drama and problems this must be causing you. You have a wonderful new life in front of you with 2 children to share it with! You will be fine...probably even much better than before. Get the best settlement that you can and say "good riddance"! His relationship with the "dreamboat" will probably not last more than six months - they've obviously not spent a lot of real time together since she moved from out-of-state. Wait 'til she gets to know this guy - if he cheated on you, he'll probably cheat on her! I noticed he started cheating 2 years ago - I wonder what made him start at that point? Do you think he's having a mid-life crises? If so, when all falls apart with Dreamboat, he'll probably want to come back home...so be prepared. When they find out the grass isn't greener, that's usually what happens. Pick yourself up, dear. Put a smile on your face and be glad this guy is out of your life. I divorced last year and I can't tell you how much happier I am without all the drama and stress my husband brought into my life. You will be, too. You just have to let yourself. Also, treat yourself well right now. Do all the things you didn't or couldn't do while you were married. Have fun with your kids. Enjoy the peace!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:39pm
I know exactly how you feel. My husband has been dropping hints that he has feelings for a woman at his workplace since he told me he wants a divorce. I had no idea at all until she called him while I was here and he screamed at me because I walked into the bedroom while he was speaking to her. He says she has been a good friend for a long time and won't respond when I ask him if he has feelings for her. It hurts like hell. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Nobody deserves to feel this type of pain. It's good that you are moving on. I hope I can be as strong as you soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:00pm
Yes I am calling the lawyer tomorrow now that my brother has gotten me the name of a good bulldog. I don't want a lawyer who bites at first, I want one who can bite if we need too. no I'm not wasting any time, he's being good with the money for now and I'm jumping on the divorce fast. I want to get it all on paper b4 his honey has a chance to change his mind about being nice and supportive.
We actually talked today in person without me yelling or calling him names. of course, i was crying but that's to be expected.
I opened my own bank account yesterday with almost 4000 in it so I feel some security. The business I helped him build, the life we built will pay me well.
I spoke with the eap guy from work and he doesn't think I'll have any problem getting disability either with fibro, herniated disc in my neck, nerve compression and years of major depression and 1 suicide attempt years ago. Never thought I'd say things might be looking up although this is my darkest time.
whew I'm so darn tired now.
love barb k.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:38pm

Barb, I'm sorry if this seems like an overreaction, but your list of health issues has me very concerned. I know you are in a very dark time right now, but please call and talk to someone...anyone if you're depression gets too bad. It may be wise to go see a doctor right now to be sure you don't get too low.

Again, I'm sorry if I seem out of line here, but I would feel worse to sit by and say nothing and then something horrible happen with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 11:25pm
Oh I'm going on disability, I have a psychiatrist, counselor, physiatrist, family practice doctors all helping me apply for disability. I am taking care of my health both mental and physical. Not to worry. You're not at all out of line, you are thinking very clearly and I appreciate your pointing out that I hadn't mentioned that I was under a lot of doctors care.
barb k.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 11:41pm
Honey he yelled at you when you walked into the bedroom as he was on the phone with his honey. He has more than just feelings for her. Like my hubby, your's is a coward and has a gf which is what gave him the balls to ask for a divorce. Do not allow him to treat you like an irritation! he should never be yelling at you - do you yell at him - you should be! lol He's the one who's wrong but like my hubby is only thinking of himself.
yep hurts like *ell doesn't it?? We have kids, do you? I'm being nice now b/c he wants to give me $$ and stuff so I'll take it until he decides honey bunny is right and I don't deserve anymore.
My best advice to all women - make sure you're the FIRST wife b/c you get it all!
love
barb
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 12:52pm

I think that's a good idea about the attorney. The best offense is a good defense.


Also, I'm glad you've been in touch with your EAP. You're covering all the steps you need to.


Hang in there.




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