OMG... WHAT AM I TO DO?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
OMG... WHAT AM I TO DO?
15
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 6:44pm
I HAVENT BEEN AROUND IN A FEW WEEKS... SOME OF YOU MAY REMEMBER ME... HUSBAND WANTS A DIVORCE EVEN THOUGH THIS MARRIAGE IS FIXABLE.. WE ARGUE CONSTANTLY THOUGH AND HAVE AN 10 MONTH OLD DAUGHTER. ALSO THE ONE THAT IS REALLY YOUNG (24) AND MY HUSBAND AN I BOTH WORK AND HE WORKS AT NIGHT AND TAKES CARE OF OUR BABY DURING THE DAY AND ONLY HAS 4 HOURS OF SLEEP A DAY...RING A BELL???? ..WELL MADE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A COUNSELOR ( WHICH HE HAS AGREED OVER AND OVER TO SEE WITH ME ONLY TO NOT GO ) SATURDAY IS MY FIRST SESSION. I HOPE IT GOES OKAY.
SO THIS IS MY UPDATE... ALL LAST WEEK I WAS STAYING WITH MY PARENTS AND DRIVING 1 1 /2 HOURS TO WORK AND 1 1/2 HOURS BACK EVERY DAY..AND FRIDAY THE SAME, DROPPED HER OFF AT THE APARTMENT AND I CAME TO WORK. WELL WHEN I GOT HOME SOMEHTING MADE ME TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST (I ALREADY HAD ONE FROM BEFORE OUR FIGHTS ) AND LOW AND BEHOLD IT TURNS OUT POSITIVE!
OMG... WHAT AM I GONNA DO.. 24 WITH 10 MONTH OLD, AND ONE ON THE WAY WITH A DIVORCE!!!!!
WE TALKED FRIDAY AND WE AGREED THAT OUR PROBLEMS WERE PETTY AND THIS COULD BE SAVED , ATLEAST ATTEMP TO.. WELL BY SUNDAY THE LOONIE HAD CHANGED HIS MIND..OUT OF NOWHERE!
AND HE LEFT FOR A DAY.. CAME BACK AND I HARDLY SPOKE TO HIM... WELL BY THIS WEEKEND WE TALKED AGAIN ADN I ASKED HIM TO PLEASE COME WITH ME TO CPUNSELING AND HE SAID YES AND THIS TIME SEEMED GENUINE ABOUT IT... SO WERE HAPPY GO LUCKY ON SATURDAY , EVEN SLEPT IN THE SAME BED AND SUNDAY WE WOKE UP AND HE DIDNT EVEN WISH ME A HAPPY MOTHERS DAY... HE CALLED HIS MOM IN FRONT OF ME AND WISHED HER ONE IN HIS MOST STUPID "MOMMAS BOY " VOICE I HAVE EVER HEARD! AND I WENT TO THE BATHROOM TO CRY , WHEN HE CAME 30 MINS LATER AND SAID WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME... AND I TOLD HIM. YOU DIDNT EVEN TELL ME HAPPY MOTHERS DAY... THE ONE WHO HAS YOUR DAUGHTER AND IS PREGANT WITH YOUR SECOND!!! AND HE JUST LOOKED AT ME AND LEFT! AS IF I HADENT SAID A WORD.
LATER ON HE AKS IF HE COULD GO TO THE BEACH CLUB WITH MY DAUGHTER AND I OFCOURSE I SAID YES.. EVERYTHIGN IS PEACHY... WE EVEN SLEEP TOGETHER AND TODAY HE TOTALLY FLIPS AND SAYS NO MATTER IF HE GOES TO COUNSELING WITH ME HE IS STILL DIVORCING ME! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I STILL LOVE THIS SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MAN, WE HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO ADORES HIM AND ONE MORE ON THE WAY... I DOTN WANT IT TO BE OVER.. I TELL HIM ALL THE TIME.. BEFORE A COUPLE DECIDES TO DIVORCE THEY SHOULD SEEK COUNSELING AND HE STILL SAYS" I DONT FEEL LIKE IT" I DONT WANT TO" I DONT WANT TO STAY MARRIED TO YOU"
:(
WHAT AM I TO DO???? IM SO LOST ... I ALREADY ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL FROM ALL OF THIS... THAT IS ALL I CAN THINK OF.. I THINK ABOUT HOW I MUST OF LET OUR DAUGHTER DOWN AND HOW SHE'LL HATE ME AND THIS NEW BABY TOO... OMG WHAT IM I GONNA DO. I DOTN WANT A DIVORCE!
JILL

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 7:19pm
Oh Jill, I know the pain you are going through and I am sorry. I wish i had some great advice. I didn't want a divorce either. My ex wouldn't go to counseling. I know we could have made it better. I know it in my heart,but you can't save it by yourself. Take this time to take care of you. You and your children need you to do this. Please come back and vent to us again. Hopefully one the really smart ladies around will have some advice for you. Hugs, Brenda
PS. Congratulations on the baby! The best things in life are surprises. HUGS!

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 7:24pm

You are in a difficult situation but if he won't attend counseling, there's nothing you can do. You do not want to stay on this roller coaster ride forever. I don't want to be divorced either. I have two children and one has special needs. However, I can't make my stbx become a good husband. It is not in my control. It sounds like you should use your counseling appointment to start making plans for you and your children. The positive thing about being pregnant is that your daughter will have more family. She will have someone else (besides you) to call family. I wish I could give you some insight into why your dh behaves this way (besides immaturity) but I don't have the answers. My stbx is/was the same way and was a marine as well. I think if a marine ever tries to date either of my girls, I'll shoot him on sight LOL! Seriously, I am sorry you are having to face this but it is better to have the happen while they are young. Please be sure to keep coming back. Stay strong.

Kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 7:35pm
thanks you two... yeah thats what i can hearing... you are beter off without him... forget him... how can i ? he is my husband and the father of my children!
he actually said he wold go with me to counseling this saturday... seems so far away! but in any case he still wants a divorce! a friend that i talk to tells me" just keep being nice, do things for him and then when you both go to counseling maybe things will change.
i just feel really stupid living in the same house as him, talking to him...every time we talk like civil people , i get this stupid thought in my head that he wants to work at it... and then when i actually ask him, he says no! yeah i ask him all the time and they keep telling me not to preassure him..but what ..am i supposed to be living here liek his maid and doign things for him and sleeping with him knowing he still wants a divorce???
thats insanity ..almost as crazy as him!
i dont know what to do... i feel so defeated. i dont even know if going to the counselor together will help at all.. i hear sometimes counselors will tell you that divirce "is okay" not in my book (and its soley a personal choice) i mean seriosuly our problems are soooooooo petty! it's fixable!!! i just ran out of things to tell him to make him see that he's making a huge mistake!
i am so depressed.. what am i gonna do... financially i know i can do it...but i dont want to do it without him.. we decided to get married..didnt he hear his vowls or did he recit them like they meant sh#T? shouldnt a couple try to see someone before they call it quits? aghhhh i want to leave and never come back !
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 8:00pm

I wouldn't be giving him the benefits of marriage (sex, love and affection) if he's already checked out emotionally when it comes to your feelings in regards to this relationship, he wants a divorce, but still expects you to have sex with him? HUH? Really? Hmmm that's interesting.

I would go to counseling with or without him, don't be surprised if he bails out of your appointment that is scheduled, but if he does you go without him, and talk to the counselor alone about all that is going on, how you are being mistreated by him, etc and so forth, maybe talking to someone enough about what is going on in your marriage, will allow you to realize loving your husband and wanting your marriage to work doesn't equal having to stay and be emotional abused by him and asking how high when he says jump just because he feels in control with the threat of divorce that he knows you don't want.

Your children deserve more than that. You deserve more than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 12:47pm

You really should call him on it. It sounds to me as though he likes the power trip. Don't let him play those games with you. Tell him that if he doesn't go to counseling with you to try to salvage your marriage, then he can find somewhere else to live (and mean it). Tell him you are not going to live in this limbo anymore. He either p***es or gets off the pot. It isn't fair to you and it certainly isn't fair to your child(ren).

It may take a forced separation on your part to wake him up. If he doesn't come around, he isn't worth your time anyway. Why live your life always worrying about your relationship. I know relationships take work, but this is too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 1:43pm
Huge Hugs to you today! I know you need them.
Dr. Phil and many of the other books I've read say "the best way to know you're ready to get a divorce.....is when you can walk out the door with no anger, resentment, bitterness, or unfinished emotional business. (ie. You can look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say you've done everything possible to rehabilitate and save your marriage. You should call it quits only when you know in your heart that you've turned over every stone, investigated every potential avenure of rehabilitation, and still come up short.)" You and I aren't there. I wish his books told me how to get there. I am already divorced and I am still hurting. I know we could have fixed this. I will pray counseling help you and that God will change your husband's heart. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 3:20pm
I have to say that I totally disagree with that part of what Dr. Phil says. I do actually like much of his advice, but I think this one bit of advice is easy to misinterperate, either that or it's just wrong. I don't think it's humanly possible to walk away from a marriage without any anger, bitterness or resentment. I can honestly say that I turned over every stone, I tried everything, yet, my marriage fell apart. I think here that he's referring to a couple that BOTH want the divorce. Yes, I tried everything, however, my STBX did not. He had no interest in trying. I went to counselling on my own to try to fix things
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 4:17pm
thank you...
this is what i was thinking... im not ready to callit quits... and i know im my heart neither is he, he is just upset, angry..his loss of so much sleep has gotten to the best of him.. hes so edgy because of lack of sleep!
i know we haven't even done one thing to try .. we alweays say lets work on it.. and we say ok but never do anything really to improove the situation, we just forget about it until it comes back up again and now its too late because hes so upset he wants a divorce. i belive marriage should not be taken lightly... i belive you have to do everyhting you possibly can until you really cant do anymore.. where your backed up to a corner because theres no way out.. we still have a way out of this madness,,, counseling.. i hope she is one of those nice smart conselors that belives marriage is hard work hard but dooable.. not one of those " divorce is okay " counselors!
oh god, i hope we get through this....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 5:51pm
I didn't want a divorce either. I wasn't "ready" to give up. However, I wasn't given a choice. If I could drag stbx to counseling and "fix" us, I would. I just can't make him want to be in this marriage though. If you can get your dh to go to counseling and try, you definitely should. I totally believe that marriage is forever and you are suppose to work through the hard times. When there are kids involved, you should work that much harder. However, we can't *make* our partners stay. What will you do if he won't go to counseling? I hope you know you can't hold this marriage together by yourself. At any rate, if you want a counselor that advocates keeping couples together, try getting a counselor of faith (Christian, Jewish etc) or just call the counselor ahead of time and ask him/her about his/her beliefs. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 6:31pm

I'm sorry for what you are going through. You might also like to go to individual counseling (perhaps with a different therapist or clergyman than would see you and your DH together, depending on your situation). Whatever happens -- reconciliation or divorce -- you're under a lot of stress and a good counselor might help you feel better about yourself, and more in control of your situation. Don't wait for your counseling until your DH gets on board. Go do it for yourself.

Bless your heart, I do feel for you. You are so young to have so much thrown on you -- but I don't believe God makes us go through these things alone; we isolate ourselves unnecessarily. Be sure to draw on every resource -- friends, family, counselor, priest -- available to you, to get through this ok.

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