opinions wanted

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
opinions wanted
5
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:28pm

My spouse for some reason is still living in the past and has alot of misconceptions I feel. She divorced her ex almost 3 years ago after a 15 year marriage at the hands of a guy that was nothing short of a cheater, liar and a total loser. He cheated on her before they got married and she still married him. Hello I wish I knew that before I married her. Red flag. I as her current husband am still haunted by him and her baggage over him. I live with it daily.

I am thinking of leaving her even though she is a wonderful woman and a good wife. She I see deep inside is a really loving good person, but for some reason can't break out.Maybe used of abuse.I have suggested therapy. The real problem I see is she is so hung up over her ex, child support and her children she does not see how it has impacted us and our marriage. I think she just takes me as a given. That I will just be here. Yes I am here and love her very much but I will not put up with this forever. I SIMPLY CANNOT.AND WILL NOT.

I support her feelings constantly and I am a very good listener. I really try to understand all. Her kids are another story . They play both her and her ex to the hilt. Here I am stuck in the middle. They use me all the time, and they use her. I am kind, help them , then I get slammed.

The kids also know most of the particulars of her divorce decree, state it alot when they want something , and they also know the money situation between her and her ex and play her using it as a pawn. Meaning the amount of money she recieves. HELLO! They should not know any of these things. She knows it comes from him and simply will not confront him over it. Then she feels guilty for some unknown reason to me and gives into them, feeling if she doesn't she is a bad MOM. Skeletons? In the closet? Maybe there are things I do not know about her even as her husband. I feel and from what I see she is a very good mother. They have all they need. Not all they want. They are spoiled BRATS in my opinion. They should know nothing about my wifes divorce decree. Period. That is between my wife and her ex. They get this info from their father as far as I know. .I feel she should confront him concerning this and blast his ass. Set him straight. But she treats him with kid gloves. I think that is baloney.

I am also divorced, my ex and I had a very nasty divorce over property and money, but my children will never know any of the things these kids know. My ex and I both agree upon that. They should not for any reason . My ex and I are in total agreement over it even though now we cannot stand each other and the kids will never see it for their sake. We are their parents. We both agree it would damage them.We have come to an agreement and get along just fine in front of them. Even though we had a very nasty divorce. I consider that maturity on both parts. Boundaries have been set. We both do not overstep them. Even if we disagree over anything. We never disagree in front of OUR children, they never know a thing about it, that is for a private conversation.

I am home daily and work all the time around this house picking up after her kids,cleaning working on the house, laundry etc.I am a MR Mom so I totally understand role reversal.. I have been on both sides of the fence so to say. It is more than a 40 hr per week thing. I am sure most woman out there can understand that statement.

In 1 1/2 years of my current marriage my wife has most around here that she wanted in 15 years of marriage to her ex. I.E. a driveway paved, a 2 - garage for our cars, a great room above and our house being done all over inside. Decks,additions, many other things. New car.Boat,4- wheeler I bought for the kids , snowmobiles. etc. Not that material things mean a thing. They really do not to me. They are extras . Some things alot of people can't have. I feel very fortunate. I am very grateful for anything I have in my life. They are nice to have and fun but cetainly not needed. I get told by her kids everyone has these things asd they expect them. REALLY? They bitch when they don't get something they want. Really?

I care about love, just having a person in your life you care about. Maybe I am giving to much of myself to her and for her. I am old school. I have worked very hard in my life . I feel it is really nice we do things as a couple. And as a blended family.

I am disabled and do not just sit around during the week when she is working , I work my butt off around here even though I am disabled . I work and work hard for the both of us.
At this point I am about to throw up my hands , I am getting really discusted. I am frustrated not angry, actually it is hurt I feel not anger. I believe anger is a secondary emotion. Underlying anger is hurt actually . I have tried to talk to her about this and I get told I am just boo-hoo-ing. really? I get told get over it. Nice thing to say to someone you supposedly care about. I am beginning to question her motives.

I go to therapy for myself monthly , I ask alot of questions , The answer I get is I need to voice how I feel. I have done just that. I have asked her to do the same and she says she has no time. No time? I am thinking she does not want to face things or really deal with her past marriage or maybe any of her shortcomings. Or maybe she simply does not care about this marriage, and is happy as long as she is getting what she wants out of this and me and does not really care as long as things go her way. I really try and try hard daily to make this marriage work. Am I beating a dead horse here??? Am I wrong for feeling this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 1:55pm

Hope this isn't too blunt, but it sounds like you may be doing a lot of giving and expecting a particular response from the people you give to. The thing is, they are going to be who they are. They may never behave in the way you'd hope for.

I am not saying you shouldn't be a giving person, but you may need to step back and think about what it is you are expecting in return. As long as you are expecting a particular response and you don't get it, you are going to be frustrated and/or hurt.

You do have a lot that is impacting your marriage that you have no control over. It would be so cool if your wife and her ex had the same types of agreements and behaviors that you and your ex have established. However, they don't and you can't control that.

Kids in a second marriage can also have a huge impact on things. You may not be able to change how the kids manipulate their Mom, but you can change your interactions with the kids.

What type of training does your therapist have? Do they work a lot with people that are in second marriages? Maybe you need to be seeing someone more often right now??

The first therapist I saw when I was trying to save my marriage had the training for family therapy - but basically only a Master's in Counseling. We spent a lot of time looking at my past and wallowing in feelings and it didn't help much at all. The guy I am seeing now is a psychologist and the approach is very different. I am doing a lot better now that I am working on my behaviors. I am seeing a difference in things in my relationships with others - particularly the contentious one I have with my ex.

A book that really helped me was "What Happy People Know." Don't know if you are a book reader or not, but this book has made a lot of sense to me and to others in my family. Three of us are trying to implement ideas from the book and it's been interesting to see the results - pretty darn positive!

I am not a therapist, so I am not sure what is really going to help in your situation. But do make sure that you take time to do things for yourself! If you let your own well run dry because you haven't taken the time to fill it with good, positive stuff, you are going to run out of stuff to give to others.

I am hoping there are others on this board that can provide some suggestions and support!

Best Wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 3:57pm

I will say, I am a little confused. What, exactly, would you like your wife to do to improve the marriage? You stated she should blast her ex when he tells the children things about the divorce and the decree that he shouldn't. How would that help? My ex had divulged a tremendous amount of information abot custody specifics to our son, has tried to use him as a go-between, etc. I don't know that "blasting" him would help. I've told him it was inappropriate and unacceptable. He is responsible for his own behavior.

That's great that you and your ex are mature about the divorce, but sometimes, one party chooses to be immature and impossible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 1:12am
I will get your confusion straightened out here if I can. This man did nothing but hurt my wife for over 15 years of their marriage and is still doing so at times. She is used to him hurting and being controlling. Her self esteem and self worth suffered a great deal at the hands of this guy. Something I can't fix but can certainly as her husband try to understand, be supportive and absorb. That I have done and continually do.
As far as what to do to improve our marriage is something she has started to do recently with him. It has caused me a great deal of frustration to see it go on. Finally stopped being so nice to him and standing up to him. Stopped accepting the un-accpectable, told him exactly how she feels and what she expects. She has finally started doing that.
And as far as the divorce decree. I feel NO Kid should know anything pertaining to those things. PERIOD. And if I ever say anything to my kids or my ex does it would be addressed both ways. I would not accept it nor would I expect my ex to and it would be handled immediately. Not swept under the carpet so to say, which exactly has gone on in this case.
And I do agree with you about he is responsible \for his own actions and thus he should be held totally accountable for such actions. Not let it go and let him keep running his mouth, acting inappropriate without saying something . She can't stop him for sure but she can voice her opinion and voice it in a manner that he might just understand. In an assertive way that he might just understand. She is finally starting to be assertive. Kids are only kids once and should have fun and be happy not worry about all that nonsense just because one person can't be an adult.
Thank you for your response. I read every one I get and try to learn something from each and every one. That is why I post here. And yes the subject was asking for opinions. I may not like everything I read but I do take a good long look at all of them and it helps me. Again thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 1:57am
Hey blunt is ok. I asked for opinions I will get them. In this case I feel frustrated, not because I want things my way but feel it should be a certain way. And yes your right.
My wife has just not set the boundaries I have with my ex, and my ex with me , nor do they communicate the way my ex and I do. Everyone is different and you can;t expect them to be.
The kids I try to handle in a decent manner. I try to explain to them how their mother and I feel. But then again here comes Dad with his messed up thinking confusing them. It is really hard. I do the best I can and so does my wife.I do admire and love her more than anyone could imagine. She is a very good wife and mother. She does the best she can do every single day.
We are in family therapy, my wife and her kids. It has helped but then again the minute they are with their Dad poof , he messes them up. And I go to a therapist on my own for any and all issues I may have, he is very good and has helped me alot.
I am proactive here and take a great interest in all that goes on. I have even gone as far as inviting her ex into the family circle of therapy . He has not shown an interest, although he has alot to say . I have called him on it. He states to her and I he still cares about her and the kids. Really? My wife and and I both know why he won't. She thought I was nuts when I extended that invitation.
The big problem is both of us know exactly why he is and what he is about. Doing so in family counselling would blow him out of the water. Blow his twiated way of thinking.
Ever heard of John Bradshaw? I have alot of his tapes and books about family secrets. Things not said or talked about. About family. Disfunction. I will look into the book you suggested also. Knowledge is power. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 9:59pm

If you love her more than anyone could imagine, think she's a good wife and mother and tries to do her best every single day, why would you consider leaving her as you indicated in your first post?