other people judging!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
other people judging!
9
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:21pm
I really need to vent here!
Today my daughter came home from school and said that her best friends dad won't let her sleep over anymore because of the divorce. She was upset and this REALLY ticked me off. Mostly because she has taken the divorce pretty well. It has only been 2 weeks since we let it be known this was happening. WE are doing everything in our power to make this as easy as possible on our kids. Now she is being shunned because of it!!!!!!
Just a bit of background on this guy. His wife is my best friend and he treats her like TOTAL crap. He calls her fat stupid ugly in front of other people. He won't let her do anything. He thinks he is awesome but he makes most people uncomfortable with his odd behaviors. Their home is very stressful and there is always fighting and I mean loud fighting I have witnessed it many times. So this really bothers me that he said this to his daughter. Their home is by no means a model enviroment! I called him and confronted him and he said that is not what he meant and back tracked. What a weasle. I was also told that he doesn't want his wife around me because I am the one who wanted the divorce and my STBX does not. I don't think she will take that seriously, we were together today with the kids. God why do other people need to make it more difficult! I think maybe he is scared that his wife might leave him due to my influence!!! I would never tell anyone to leave unless they want to, this was the hardest decision I ever made, no one could have talked me into it!!!
Do you think I should leave things as is or make an issue of it? His daughter spends usally 2 whole weekends a month at my house, in the summer it could be up to a week!! EEERRRRR I am so mad!!!
Thanks for listening!!!
S.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:19am

It's very sad that an adult would do that to a helpless, faultless child. But all in all you need to remember- and maybe you can explain it to your daughter too- that his behaviour has nothing to do with you or your family situation, it's about him and some sort of issues of his.

Let's be totally honest here, it may be hard for your daughter to understand, but she is way better off not being subjected to that kind of idiocy anyway. Maybe there is another way for the girls to have a chance to have fun together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:22am
I think you may have hit the nail when you suggested he might be afraid of you influencing his wife. He sound like he is controlling, and that would be part of it. Also, if he doesn't respect women, he might feel you are out of line as a woman for not staying married if your h doesn't want a divorce. I belong to a support group for abused women and I have seen that thought process played through in their stories. You may have to let things calm down, and hope at least his daughter can come to your home occasionally. You might mention to your daughter that her friends' dad may be uncomfortable not knowing what is happening in your lives, and that she'll have to work with what they CAN do. Go ahead and vent. I was doing it all weekend!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 2:17am
That is so sad that he would be able to hurt your daughters feelings by shunning her. Oh I cannot stand people that do that stuff to our young people. But unfortunately there are alot of dysfunctional toxic people in the world. If I were you I would consider whether it is a good idea to allow your daughter in that household. You could even tell him that. Put him in his place. But I guess that could make it bad for your best friend.
Personally I stopped caring what others think of me. I want to be the best person I can as far as my own values are. If others dont like it that is tuff.
There is a great book out called: "What Other People Think Of Me Is None Of My Business"
I forgot the authors name but its a great book. and if this creeps shunning has affected your daughters psyche then it may be a good book for her to read.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:31am

People think that divorce is contagious! I was surprised at how many friends I lost because of the divorce. But I realized that not only were the friends I lost NOT good friends, but that they were the ones with marriages on shaky ground.

It's too bad that children get caught in the crossfire.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:15am

Ditto

I hate the judgement card. A good friend of mine told me monday night that those who judge truly have no clue. When you live without adversity, you cannot understand what others are going through. Its hard and it hurts. I lost a friend, who i spent a lot of time with, because i wasn't truthful to her about the demise of my m. The exclusion hurts and i am 40! I can only imagine how your child feels.

Everyone has issues, and one day they too will be faced with a painful decision. Everyone has some type of adversity in their lives. Sometimes, its easier to focus on others to avoid your own issues. We all get one life. Choose well, surround yourself with your loved ones, and try to find happiness.

BTW: i am a firm believer that you can count your true friends on one hand. i believe i have 3 true friends. and i have one finger for the others who have passed judgement on me. ;-)

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:41am

S;

You're right! What a "weasel"!

It does sound like this guy is concerned about his wife, suddenly getting the idea into her head to file for divorce. He's projecting his insecurity about his own life, onto you, and unfortunately onto your daughter.

I know how hard the decision is, when you finally get there, and you move forward with divorce. I just signed my final papers yesterday. In the 9 months that it took to get this divorce over with, I have had so many people "judging" me. The first thing that I learned from my divorce, is NOT to judge other people's relationships/marriage. No one knows what happens in another's home, when those doors close. We only see what they want us to, and actually what we want to.

I know the stigma that divorce can carry, even in today's society. Not having your best friend, or your dd having her best friend, right now is tough. I know this too from experience. My friends have just bailed. I wouldn't do that to anyone of my friends, but have had to accept that they are entitled to their opinions. Adding more stress, and frustration to the mix, within a divorce is hard to deal with.

Talking with your dd about the situation, will help her. Would the father be willing to allow you to have your dd's best friend over to your home?

I hope that knowing that we're here helps!!

Take care,
Laurene

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:09pm

OK.... don't take me wrong here.... but... my daughter is 12, and things she says tend to get.... distorted... in her relaying the message (everything's more dramatic that it really needs to be).


Now, if my kid came home and told me that a friend, who she visits at the friend's house sometimes for a few hours here and there, or overnight, told her that her parent's were getting a divorce.... what I might say is, "how about we invite your friend here for a while until they get things worked out.... or.... how about we hold off on visiting there or spending the night until they get their new routine worked out."


Why????..... well, I know (from my own experience) that sometimes.... unexpected tension can happen in a household where divorce is looming, and I'd really want my child to not be around that if I had the warning :-)


It's not a "you can't be friend's any more" thing.... it's a "step away from the possible fire" thing.


And.... when the adults are unreasonable to start with, who knows what they really told their daughter vs. how it was interpreted (or what they really meant).


At any rate... hang in there!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 1:33pm
Hi everyone
Thank you so much for all your replies. It really helped.
I know my daughter is welcome in their home, but I am not sure I want her there. I am not sure if I should invite her friend over or not, truley I am uncomfortable now. I know my DD did not misinturpret(SP) he always speaks before he thinks.
What bothers me the most is that his home is probably the most disfunctioal home I have ever known, and now because we are getting a divorce he is acting like he is better.
It is shameful the way he handled the situation, but I know he is like that.
I am going to read the book suggested as I do tend to worry what other people think too much. I was proud of myself that I called him right away, he did try to put his wife on but I would'nt let him. I have never done anything like that before. It did feel good but I would like to confront him on saying his wife can't hang aout with me too. I don't think too many people stand up to him so it would maybe be a wake up call. I think I will leave it alone though because I really do not need any more drama and he is not worth it. My friend is and so is her DD, but I am worried it would cause more harm than good.
Thank you for listening, I can not tell you how much it helps! i would be a mess with out all of you!
S.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 2:04pm

Star,


I read your post and I have two thoughts to share.


First, I wouldn't suggest you allow your daughter to stay overnight with a family that obviously has problems. Why subject your daughter to the maritial discord that's there? I wouldn't want my child hearing someone else fight with their spouse. So, it may be a good thing that she can't stay there any way. Think about it.


Two, when you "come apart" via divorce one of the things you'll notice almost immediately is who else is threatened by your situation. What I mean is this, friends, family, coworkers, collegues, etc. who aren't happy in their own marriage will suddenly look at your situation and think, "Oh crap! If this can happen to them, this can happen to me!" In your case, because you are best friends of this guy's wife, he's thinking, "Oh Crap! Now, my wife will divorce me (because her best friend - you - has the guts to divorce her husband). So, your daughter is shown the door and things get chilly between you and your friend. (If that hasn't happened yet, it will, doesn't matter how bad he treats your friend, his wife, she'll do what she has to keep whatever peace she has.)


There are many tragic outcomes of divorce. One of the least anticipated and the most difficult to deal with is the reactions of others, especially those we know as friends. I can remember how surprised I was when

CL-Wisdomtooth2020