other woman and kids
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| Sat, 05-13-2006 - 8:13pm |
I am sure others have had this happen to them but I am having a tough time. My ex has brought his new "friend" to my DD soccer game even though we agreed that family events such as sports and school would be exclusive of "others". To make matters worse my DD broke her wrist at the game and I rushed her to the doctor but he had to go have lunch with "friend" and showed up four hours later to see how dd was doing. I don't want to be with him and don't care if he is dating but I don't want to see them and I don't want it to interfer with his relationship with dd. Is there any situation when they don't think with their little heads first. We agreed to keep to this separate but now he pretends like he can do whatever he wants. I am not dating and not ready so it is not an issue with me but if the roles were reversed he would be talking a different tune. Any advice or experience in handling this situation would be appreciated.
scarlet fire

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Its definitely about boundaries.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
Thank you for your advice. i wish it were that easy. I mentioned that to him and I got the response you can't tell me what to do. So it is like dealing with a child. He has decided he doesn't care how it affects the rest of us. I really am not trying to tell him what to do i just want him to respect the family unit that we started. This is not a longtime girlfriend, they have only been seeing each other for two weeks and I think he wants to play superdad. If there was a real commitment between them I don't think i would be so upset but I don't want my DD exposed to his string of girlfriends I think it is confusing for her and upsetting for me. I appreciate your response.
Thanks
Sunshine
The response "You can't tell me what to do." is childish.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
some 'superdad'.... doesn't care enuf about his child to go with you to the hospital.
hugs... i don't have any advice for you....
sounds like you are in the beginning stages of being divorced. A bit of advice I can give you that you will learn soon enough is this. You can't control what he's doing or is going to do and as long as he's not putting his child in danger there is nothing you can do to stop him. If he wants to bring his GF to a kid event he's going to and probalby will all the more if you say not to.
I'm just saying this because it's a waste of energy trying to get them to do anything. That's why they are ex's. Just focus on you life and what you can do for your kids.
After a year I've finally been able to do that and stop asking him to help me parent and found other ways to make it happen without fighting with him and it's a lot better!
I agree. I am not dealing with this (yet, but it is a matter of time. There is NO way my ex can be alone). However EVERY one of my divorced friends have had this happen. Even though ALL of the exs agreed not to do this, they all did. The week long relationships just got brought in despite what it might do to the kids. Yes, they only think with their little heads. So, you just have to keep communications open with your kids and as others suggested, maybe get them counseling. You will have to be the parent. It isn't fair but that's just how it goes. As my counselor told me, HE will just have to be the bad example.
Good luck. I know this is awful and frustrating and I am not looking forward to this AT ALL in my life.
Kimberly
I totally agree with SK... his daughter gets hurt and he doesn't put her health and well being in front of his WANTS...
As far as the other people being at the games, I would do your best to just leave it alone... he is likely doing it to see you squirm and if he's not doing it for that reason, letting him see you squirm is giving him an added bonus...
Was your daughter upset that her "father" (in quotes because a real father would have gone to the hospital) didn't go to the hospital with her? If so, that may be something that she needs to communicate to him herself... xh may not care that you say she was upset, but if she was and communicates that to him, it ~may~ make more of a difference...
Good Luck...
Julie
Thanks for eveyones response. I definitely need to ignore his bad behavior. It is true the more I complain about something the more he does it. I am so glad I am not married to him any more. The only thing I need to worry about is my DD. She isn't really upset by the other person yet because it is so new, but she did say something to her dad about not being there for her when she got hurt. I was proud of her for standing up for herself.
Happy Mother's Day Everyone
I wish people could be more reasonable - but I think everyone is going to have different opinions on it. I don't think it is good for kids to see a constant stream of gf's or bf's passing through their parents lives. If a kid gets attached to a bf/gf and the relationship doesn't last - the kid gets hurt. But I know many people don't see it that way.
My ex and I agreed on not having anyone meet our ds until 6 months of dating a person had occurred. And then he said he'd only introduce a gf to our ds if he thought he would likely be marrying the gf. It is funny, the gf almost broke up with my ex because she thought he was being unreasonable about her not being allowed to meet ds - she thought I was the one who set that rule up (he did) and that I was being a b****. She also thought my wanting to meet her beforehand was 'over the top'. However, we have a special needs child here! Several months later, she wrote an e-mail to me where she said she could understand a little bit better why my ex and I did what we did. (Our ds may be a high-functioning autistic - these kids have a very tough time dealing with change!)
The other funny thing was that when he was getting ready to introduce her, first I'd hear it was serious, then I'd hear it wasn't - ex went back and forth on that point. What was really going on is that he'd decided he was going to propose at some point - but she had no clue that he was that serious.
I also know now that he was trying to impress her with his 'superdad' routine, too. And as far as I am concerned, that is all it is: a 'show'. He only does things when they are convenient for him. For a long time he said he wanted to do a 50/50 arrangement 'when ds is old enough'. He apparently never told the gf about this, and when we finally all met after they got engaged, I brought that up. A few days later, I get an e-mail FROM HER that they were happy with the schedule as it currently was - 85/15.
I know she's been taken in by his 'divorced dad guilt' that he displays often to her. But he really doesn't do much of anything about his guilt - except feel it. I take care of my ds most of the time and I very willingly take ds when they want to go on trips. Then when they want to, they go play 'family' with ds. That's what fits into their lifestyle - and it's fine by me. DS gets to see his dad, but I am hoping the limited contact will mean he won't pick up too many of dad's bad habits!
Could be that for your ex, bringing along a gf to his kid's event serves a lot of purposes: could be he wants to rile you up, he could be showing off for the gf, he may legitimately want to spend time with his child, he may be trying to alleviate any guilty feelings he has, etc. Who knows.
It is hard, but it is best, I think, to not get too riled up about it. Easy for me to say....I've been trying to get the gf to come to my son's events and she won't! I am hoping that if I can get used to her and my ds can see me getting along with the ex and the gf, that that will help him adjust. He is having a terrible time adjusting to his dad's engagement.
Best wishes....don't let them get to you!
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