Out of denial...I married the wrong man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Out of denial...I married the wrong man.
16
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 12:35pm

I've been married for 12 years to a compulsive, chronic liar. He lies about everything.

I'm married to a porn addict, who is unable to relate emotionally to me, or our kids.

I'm married to a man who everybody thinks is such a "good man," but don't see the selfish, arrogant, fake man I live with everyday.

I'm married to someone who says he cares about me, but was resentful, and jealous when I was pregnant, lost weight and started to build a life that wasn't revolving around him.

I'm married to a man I tried to be the perfect friend, spouse and lover for--but emotionally punished for doing so.

I'm married the wrong man. I'm 40. 3kids whose hearts I refuse to break. My choices:
1. stay married and divorce as soon as the kids turn 18. 2.Stay married and cheat. 3.Divorce him now and start picking up the pieces.

I have done a brillant job of faking a relationship with him for the kids. But I am full of contempt, rage and spite.

I'm mad as h-ll, and I don't want to take it anymore. I know can't be the only one feeling this. Please relate.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 12:48pm

Yes Myylah, I can relate!! My husband is also a chronic and compulsive liar and it is the so hard to keep sane dealing with sorting through what is a lie and what's the truth!! I said to a close friend that I wish I could tape the way H is at home....all those that tell me how lucky I am to be married to such a great man would be floored at the person he is at home!! I could have written your post. I have no advice except to say you are not alone and sometimes it helps to know that!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:15pm

Think about your kids when you decide. Cheating? Not setting a very good example for them. Waiting until they are grown? They may resent you for living a lie. Divorce now? Maybe you will break their hearts, and certainly they will be affected.

Get some marriage counseling or self counseling before you decide. Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 12:11am
I just spent 28 years with a man who was emotionally , vebally and a few times physically abusive . I stayed for my children and I did love him in spite of his treatment (makes me realise I have problems to have loved him in spite of it )
My kids have relationship problems from watching us.
If I could go back I would have left him as soon as our daughter was born. I would not want to go back to before as I am glad I have my kids.
He is leaving me now for another woman. The pain, hurt fear and digust are overwhelming. I am on my own now. Please dont waste too many years deciding. You eventually become so co dependant that you cant leave. good luck.
All women should put money away each month no matter how many years you stay with a man cause 30 yrs down the road you may get a big surprise.
Avatar for ericas_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 3:37pm

"All women should put money away each month no matter how many years you stay with a man cause 30 yrs down the road you may get a big surprise."


Excellent advice from both of you-including the counseling. Take it from one who's going thru her 3rd divorce, and never put any money away!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 7:22pm

Thank you. As a matter of fact, a few days before this post, I started my own savings account, and instead of turning all of the money over to the H---like he wanted me to in order to pay bills, I decided to look at the bills and agree upon which ones I'll pay out of my own account, and which ones he will pay out of his account. Then my money stays with me, and I'm not asking him for money.

Ok, I only have 25 bucks in my account right now, but it's a start.

Thank you so much. Counseling may work, but I'm working on that stash, too.

Avatar for ericas_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:38pm

Good job! Yes, it can be a real Bi---h being married to a controller-that's what mine was, too. It was always, "Give him the money, he pays everything, and gives me what's left!". What a bunch of BS (excuse my language!) There were even a couple times when I needed medicine for me, or my daughter needed clothes, and he would refuse to give me any money. I definitely am glad to have a chance to take care of the finances myself now. Hang in there!


Amy

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Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:51pm

I've BTDT and I say divorce him and pick up the pieces. I waited and tried to work on my marriage for years out of fear and honestly my kids and I have never been better. Life is finally GOOD. Yes, it was/is hard on the kids, but I know that I'm no longer modeling a terrible relationship for them. They now can see what two people who love each other are like. Good luck.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:29pm
I think where we originally fail it to trust them in the first place. We trust that they love us .......didnt they say that? So we dont worry about being alone so much. AND if we are married to an abuser in any form, they whip us down and we think there is no other way anyway.
My stbx still tells me I cant make it while griping about whathe has to give in divorce. He took me off his checkbook years ago.I had no real career as I went with him to all his construction jobs and when the kids were home I stayed home and took care of everyone. When the kids got older I went to work and paid for my own car. I did pay on our CC for five years. He still said what I earned was peanuts. well all he provided me was room and board. maybe a loan now and then.
If I could go back in time I would have stayed in college and gone on to law school. I stopped it as I thought I was taking away from the kids. oh gee lets see that is what he convinced me of. So according to him I couldnt go to school and be a good mom.
He was always the moral good one. or convinced all of us he was though he refused to go to church if I asked. Now he is having an affair with a married woman. I just dont get it. he thinks she will make him happy but I never did. hmm what about all the wonderful meals I prepared! my dad always said I could cook for the president and he would be happy. not so with the stbx. It was either too much, not enough, too hot or too cold.
and he wonders why I havent enjoyed or wanted to cook lately? If I worked a waitress job it was all I was capable of and what I made was peanuts.
To be honest I am glad this has all finally happened. I have not been happy. I have tried to love him and hope that he would consider medication or counseling. no he said he didnt need it. if only I would change he would be happy. that is why he is divorcing me.......he said when he got back with this married woman it reminded him how happy she had made him when they had the affair 28 yrs ago. she was married then.
do any of you get this? I dont understand? was it cause I wasnt thin n blonde or was it cause I didnt make enough money ? what was it? Why did I try to cook and clean and take good care of his needs ?
Well I certainly didnt mean to get off the subject so far.........gals (or guys) if you are at all dependant on your spouses financial status save every penny you can. its scary and lonely out there and we certainly dont want to end up pushing a grocery cart.
I dont care if you think you are gonna make it together after all or what........stash as much money as you can away. There are countless countless stories of women whos husbands leave them in later years.
I will never ever again become totally dependant on a man never!!!


Edited 12/29/2006 11:30 pm ET by dollyfrocks
Avatar for ericas_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:51pm

"I dont understand? was it cause I wasnt thin n blonde or was it cause I didnt make enough money ? what was it?"


AAW, honey, it wasn't you-it's him. He was just a selfish, unsensitive PIG who did not appreciate what he had.


"He was always the moral good one. or convinced all of us he was though he refused to go to church if I asked."


WEll..where have I heard that before? My stbx even went to school for a year and a half trying to become a minister, until he was asked to leave the program (mostly due to his drinking). You would think he'd have learned, but a year and a half later, he was still out at bars at 1:30 in the morning (GAG!).


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 9:48am

Fruitcake of Doom or something that will make me say excuse my language.


You need better

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