Overthinking It or Feeling It?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2013
Overthinking It or Feeling It?
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 2:51pm

My hopefully-soon-to-be-ex moved out 8 months ago, but we had been talking divorce for two years prior, and had also separated due to his infidelity six years ago.  It's been a full spectrum 10 year marriage to say the least.  To make matters even more enticing, this is my second marriage and consequently, my second divorce.  I don't miss him and I don't want him back, but I did want very much for us to remain important to each other.  We've verbally come to a settlement twice, but when it comes to signing papers he comes back asking for 2-3x as much money.  (I make more money.)  Now, he's threatening he's so poor he may have to move back in, he's going for spousal support, blah blah blah.  Bottom line:  It's getting really ugly.  For really the first time since he left I can't get this divorce out of my head.  For the first time today I'm hurting.  Really, really hurting and I can't figure out why.  That's my issue: do I just feel it and quit trying to understand it, this is just a bad time; or do I try to make sense of the nonsense.  I find this entire situation so embarrassing the lawyers, bartering, posturing.  It's just repugnant, yet still better than being with him.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 4:05pm

  It is the lawyers meal ticket to make you and h fight.  The laws are such that it is as mean as it can be.  But too many people never bother to write their legislators to complain.  Nothing will happen until you and others decide that it is time to make it painless. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 04-27-2013 - 1:53pm

As a divorce lawyer myself, I have to totally disagree w/ xxxs on this one--even though I charge by the hour, I have never once (nor have most lawyers) convinced someone to argue or fight when the actual divorcing parties wanted to agree.  In this case, since your STBX is giving you the run-around, for whatever reason, if he won't sign what you verbally agreed to, then your only alternative might be going to court and letting a judge decide.  You need to get good legal advice regarding whether you actually might have to pay him alimony.  In my state, for example, alimony is tied to the length of the marriage so the longer you wait around, the longer you might have to pay him--if you did make a good amount more money, you might have to pay him alimony for a few years depending on circumstances.  You should definitely not let him move back in.

I don't know if you have to analyze why you are feeling bad--I think anyone going through a divorce is feeling bad at some point.  I think you had some expectations that even though you & your ex were separating, he would be more respectful of you in the divorce process & that didn't happen.  I think your expectation also that you would get divorced but still be "important" to each other is kind of unrealistic.  When you have kids with someone, the ex has to be in your life in some way but if you don't have kids, you really don't have to see the other person again.  I didn't have kids w/ my 2nd DH and he wanted to keep doing things w/ me like going out to dinner and finally I put a stop to that by just being busy & never getting back to him.  We have to have some dealings cause we still own a house together until next year, but other than that, really I have no desire to interact with him.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 7:22pm

In divorce you are adversaries. Never forget that. Once there is no "marriage" whether it's by division or legal decree you can't expect him to be "fair, nice, or friendly." I think if you can get your head around that you'll find it easier to take a stance and demand he end it. Its possible he's sensing your hesitation due to his "nastiness" and he's using it to play with you. Stop it.