Overwhelmed
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| Mon, 12-26-2005 - 10:36pm |
My husband and I told our children two weeks ago that we were divorcing.
Since then it seems like he has had a small bomb to drop on me every few days and I am having a very hard time dealing it. First it was that he may start seeing this certain woman, within 24 hours it was that they were dating, then within a week he was living with her. Then a few days later I found a letter he had written to her saying how much he loves her and how long he has loved her. Which says to me this was going on to some extent before he and I had split up.
I am physically ill from all this. I feel like throwing up all the time, I can't sleep, I cry a lot, and I have these moments where I take deep breaths because I feel like I'm going to panic.
I am also scared. He quit his job a few months ago and I am pretty much the sole support for me and the kids. I do not make enough money to support us and when I ask him what his plans are for helping support them, he tells me he will not get a day job. He says he is an artist and that is how he's going to make his money.
Between his moving in already with a woman and telling me more or less that I'm on my own, I am totally and completely overwhlemed. I don't have family to turn to for any help. My sister has her own worried and my parents are deceased.
I know I am the one who has to solve this problem, but if anyone else has been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear how you made it through.

First, see a lawyer - get this "budding Van Gogh" off his duff and tell him to get a job. He has to support the children too, a judge won't take kindly to him not supporting his kids. Of course the bum was having an affair.
Please see if you can scrape up enough to get a lawyer.
You will get good advice here - hugs to you!
Gwen,
First of all, I want to send hugs your way. Separation and Divorce can be overwhelming on their own, without the additional stress of the holidays and the discovery of new facts when you probably wish you didn't know now, as they don't really help your situation and your adjustment to the new situation.
There are a couple of things I would recommend doing immediately. You need to contact a lawyer and your doctor. Contact the lawyer to determine what your rights are--your stbx cannot dictate what is going to happen. There are certain things owed to you and your children that cannot be denied. The lawyers can ask the judges to set child support based upon your stbx's ability to earn money, as opposed to his current maybe never work again attitude... in addition, the lawyer may be able to help you out immediately with some sort of support... your stbx may be relying on you to be overwhelmed so that he can get what he wants out of the divorce and leave you with as little as he wants to leave you with. As for "his plans to support his children," he may not have much say in the matter as that is typically outlined by state statutes and can be determined, as I mentioned above on earning ability, not actual income... You need to protect your rights and those of your children. How long were you married? The longer you were married, the more rights you normally have. Also, do some online searching on the laws in your state...
Secondly, you need to see your doctor--it can be your family practioner or your OB/GYN, but get some medical attention. You are under a lot of stress right now and you need to see someone to help you with some of your symptoms. You cannot be any good for your children, who need you more than ever, if you are not good to yourself... For example, your doctor may be able to recommend someone that you could speak with or perscribe something to help you sleep better at night. You are in shock and your body is expressing that shock physically.
Good Luck and please come back often... you're not alone!
*hugs*
Julie
Thank you for the advice. This week I have made an appointment with an attorney for tomorrow, and with my doctor on Friday.
I'm hoping to get some good information from the lawyer. I'm tired of feeling like I'm at his mercy financially. He's been unstable and unapologetic about it for a long time. Right now he's living with his girlfriend who is supporting him because the other thing I did this week was to move my money to my own account. I'm not paying for him to keep a new woman happy.
If she wants to support a 35 year old man, let her.
momtojoeybear, to answer your question about our marriage, we have been married for 13 years. We were together for 3 before that. I'm 36 and have spent my entire adult life with him, and I think that's largely why it's so scary. I know I'm capable of taking care of myself, and I knew this was coming, but the reality staring me right in the face has been hard to take.
Gwen,
I am glad to hear that you have made some appointments to meet with an attorney and your doctor... the thing with the attorney is that knowledge is power... you will be able to find out what your RIGHTS are... (you aren't at his mercy and neither are your children) and I think that the length of your marriage will help you--I was married for less than 5 years when we separated, but I've heard that 10 years is one of those milestone years in many states. I hope that your doctor will be able to help you out as well, to better satisfy some of your basic needs, nutrition and sleep... with those, the rest comes easier...
Good for you for moving your money to your account too... you need to look out for you and your kids.
In a lot of ways, I completely understand what you mean... I was with my now ex husband for 9 years (20 - 29), so it was a huge change and there was some self doubt about doing myself, just because I really hadn't had to do so... but you can do it...
Sending hugs to you... please keep us posted!
Julie