Overwhelmed......

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Overwhelmed......
5
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 11:17pm

Hi, let me introduce myself. I have been around the boards for a while (different ones). I am a SAHM to two wonderful girls, ages 11 and 4. I had moved here with my husband (to a different state) about 1 year ago. I love it here, although we have no family. I am in the process of separating from my husband of 11 years. We are looking to take two small apartments in the same complex as opposed to the one big one we have now. So we will be living in the same complex and probably see eachother regularly.

My husband is psychologically abusive. I have decided not to argue with him on any point anymore (regarding me and him) and just continue to support myself internally. It is very hard to do because he does things that offend my principles but I have decided to let peace reign for now and just tell myself it is him and it has nothing to do with me. The apartments should be ready between a month to a month and a half. I will do my best to hold on to my thinking and steer clear away of his mentally abusive behavior (towards me only, not my girls).

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that I took my little four-year-old to gymnastics today. The girls there are a little older than her. There was one girl, maybe one or two years older that was very mean to her. She kept pushing her away when my daughter sat close to her since they were in line to do the exercises on the mats, the beam, etc. It was all I could do to keep from bawling my eyes out (to myself, of course). It just seems so hard sometimes. I feel sometimes that the world is so cold. It doesn't help that the one who should've been my biggest ally, my husband, was the coldest one of them all (to me).

I should say that I have started domestic violence sessions at a womens center. I need to know why and how I got to the place I did with my husband. As I said, there was no physical involved, but psychological sucks too, believe me. I have also looked at the DV board and that has helped me a lot.

Please tell me that some of you felt this way when you were separating or getting a divorce. Feeling like in every direction you look you face heartache and hardship. I am on my way now to doing bigger and better things. But I really feel like I need support now.

Has anyone else gotten a divorce with absolutely no family around? I want to stay here to continue my education. I am doing the best I can to get some support for me and my girls, including going to a place of worship, and other things as well. If anyone here can give me some kind, helpful words, I would so appreciate it. Thank you.

I would love to come to this board regularly and give and receive sound advice. I just need a soft place to come once in a while.......

S.R.




Edited 9/23/2005 12:36 am ET ET by smoothride
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 8:38am

And a soft place you shall have :) Hugs to you sweetie.


That's a tough situation, you are trying to separate but you will be in the same apartment complex? That alone takes strength.


I did go through a divorce without my family. Unfortunately once my husband left me they all decided that I was "damaged" and that there had to be a good reason why he left me. They wanted nothing to do with me. My mother was ill and just split from my father and while my father was living with his girlfriend my mother was alone and pushing everyone away in the meantime. My mother told lies to my family to make them support her as opposed to me thus leaving me utterly alone. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through.


There was a point in time when I could not find good in anything. Everywhere I turned I saw my husband and "our" life that was supposed to be. I was pregnant at the time when he left and when I delivered, he was there, after leaving me alone for hours and leaving me to call an ambulance when I was in labor because he had our only vehicle. He got to see his daughter be born ( our second planned child ) and then he left. Our daughter was born at 12:43pm on a sunday and XH did not return to the hospital until 7pm that night. Idk where he was, all I knew that was while I was in labor he kept leaving the room to call his girlfriend. Anyway, the more things that happened that day, the more angry I got. I sat there alone, no one visited me, I had to beg my husband to come and get me and the baby from the hospital when they released us. I just had enough. How could he be so cold not only to me, but to our daughter?


At that moment, I decided that was it. I was done. My family was gone and my husband was gone and neither were coming back anytime soon. I realized that I HAD TO be a single mom and I HAD TO take care of the kids on my own, WITHOUT any help from anyone. At that point in time I started doing everything on my own. Shortly after that, I started taking care of myself. After that, I started working on the friendships I had lost. After that, I started dating.


And now, Here I am. I am HAPPY. I never knew that life could be like this. I just "settled" for my XH because I thought I "had to". The life I once thought I couldn't live without has changed so much that I don't know how I lived like that. I have no idea how I didn't go crazy! lol!


My point is, you have to start somewhere. You have to start taking care of you and by seeking groups and other boards to help, you are starting. But, DO NOT make that your life. Do other things.... fun things. I know it seems unreachable right now, but YOU CAN DO THIS. Heck, if I did it, you can too :)


Remember, we are ALWAYS here for you. Hugs to you and good luck with everything :)


Angelena

















iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 12:14pm
Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean. It seems like everything you thought about your life can sometimes come down like a brick wall.
I am sorry that you had to go through what you did when having your baby. But it is so true, these things make us stronger. I never could have imagined what kind of inner strength I had before I met this sorry excuse of a husband.
I learned that I was the strong one, I was the compassionate one, I was the one who could solve problems. He was not.
I am so glad you got your life together. It is infinitely better to struggle and have peace than to live a lie, and settle for things that you know are not for your greatest good. One thing settling can do is take away your sense of freedom, and that is our G-D given right. Of course, there are things we can settle on, but not things that are against our principles.
I look to you and others who say they are finally happy. I know it can be done. Just the thought of living without his mental casting on everything is good enough. Again, thank you for your reply. I will do this. I just need some time to move on........
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 12:20pm

and time is one of the steps in taking care of yourself too.... give yourself time to find you again.


Hugs and your very welcome :)


Angelena

















iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 4:53pm

Hi

Welcome to the board! You are doing the right thing and it will get easier as time passes. I've been in 2 emotionally and verbal relationships so I can sympathize with what you have been going through. Good for you to get out now though. The hardest part of all is when you are first going through the initial separation stages, at least thats what I found in my situation. My STBX and I separated about 8 months ago and at the time I just wanted to close my eyes and wake up 6 months later so I didn't have to go through all that. But I made it through and things are so much better now. Good luck!

((hugs))

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 7:02pm

Hi S.R.,

You are not alone. I separated two months ago myself from a screamer and a control freak. I have been in my own apartment for 3 weeks now and am still making major adjustments. Financially I am living on a limb. I miss my home, my yard, the dog and seeing my kids every day, but I do NOT miss him. It is peaceful when I go home now. Even last night I had a nightmare that he was yelling at me and then I woke up and realized it was only a dream. I was married for many years and so I am still feeling numb about this all, but I know that I need to keeping looking forward and to not give up. Never again will I put up with what he put me through over the years. I know there are nice and calm guys out there. I hope he can either refinance the house and buy me out soon or sell the house so that by next summer I can buy myself a townhouse to call home. Keep your chin up and know that you are NOT by yourself!!!!

Bel