Overwhelmed by divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2013
Overwhelmed by divorce
8
Thu, 05-02-2013 - 1:10am

I am so overwhelmed right now by all the feelings that I am having related to this divorce. I am really struggling with knowing that ending my marriage is the best thing for us, but feeling so sad about it, and so angry with my husband for not being the supportive partner he had the potential to be. We have four beautiful children together and have tried to hold it together for over a dozen years, but I just couldn't live with the resentment towards him any longer. Yet, here I am, 6 months into the seperation and 1 month into the divorce and still feeling resentful, angry, and frustrated with him. I have the kids 95% of the time, I work full time, and I pay all our credit card bills, the car insurance, food, etc. I am looking for some advice on how to manage so many strong feelings while trying to balance everything. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2013
Thu, 05-02-2013 - 8:32am

I hope that you are talking to an attny of your own if he is not helping with the bills and you guys are going through the proceedings still. 

In regards to staying strong, it takes time, especially if you are not a person who likes being alone. Best advice is to take some time and do something for yourself each day. Something that you couldn't do in the marriage, perhaps something that he made you feel guilty for or didn't find important. Enjoy your new independence and allow that to help you through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-02-2013 - 10:49am

It might be helpful to find a support group for divorced people so you can vent to other people who can understand.  Just know that these emotions won't be there forever and you will get more used to being a single parent--besides, as the kids grow up, things do get easier.  I got divorced when my kids were 7 & 1.  My ex saw them a lot, but a lot of stuff fell to me--like even though he had several weeks paid vacation while I had none, he would never take his vacation on school vacation weeks so I would always have to figure out what to do with them--just one example of the extra responsibilities that the custodial parent has.  I was mad at him for a while but you just can't stay mad at someone a long time--it takes too much energy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2013
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 10:01pm

Thank you, for the advice. It is taking some used to, being alone and putting my own needs ahead of my husband's for a change. I am acting as my own attorney for now, but we are still in the beginning stages of the divorce. Hopefully he wll kick in to gear. Tonight is the first night he's had the kids for an overnight in a month. I hardly know what to do with myself. I want to savor every moment. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 05-07-2013 - 12:46pm

You need to find a REAL attorney.  If he's not paying child support, and/or contributing to the upkeep and finances of the family......then he needs to START.......and an attorney can facilitate that. 

You decided to divorce him because he wasn't living up to his potential.  Maybe that's because he doesn't see his potential in the same way you see it.  You wanted him to be the man YOU wanted him to be, but he obviously wasn't/isn't that man.  Don't waste your energy on anger......it won't change anything and it will keep you from moving on and/or concentrating on the important things in life. 

ALWAYS remember.....those four beautiful children that you created together.  Your children aren't worried about their father's "potential". They just know and love him as their father.  They do NOT need to witness your anger and feelings about him.  Keep them out of the mess.  Reassure them that their Dad loves them, and never, never, put him down in front of them.  Even talking on the phone, you would be surprised what kids hear, and misinterpret.  Kids have a way of thinking that everything is their fault, if only they hadn't done this, or said that.........everything would be fine.  Your biggest job in life is now to make sure you don't screw up their lives.........and that means you never say anything bad about Daddy.  As they grow up, they will form their own conclusions......you don't have to influence them in any way. 

Last but not least, you need to get rid of the anger which is only going to hurt you mentally and physically........you chose to end the marriage, so now you have to celebrate your freedom, NOT stew about what might have been or what should have been.  It wasn't........that's why you're divorcing him....the ball is in your court now.  If you want to have a miserable angry life.......continue as you are.  If you want to live a good life, then get an attorney, and fix the ongoing problem, or not.......but start living the life you chose for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
Sat, 06-15-2013 - 1:42pm

Hi, I just came onto this site, after a few years of being away.  I am in a similar situation and experiencing some of the same feelings as you are.  Yet, I haven't had the courage yet to tell my h that I want a divorce.  I have stayed in this relationship for many years, without physical and emotional intimacy, and those feelings of anger, hurt, resentment and loniliness.  I stayed for my kids, and because of my fears.  I have been taking steps to become more independant again, and have stopped taking care of my H.  There is a part of me that feels bad, and mean (and not me) when I don't do the caring, loving things I did for him when I loved him.  Being married to him was like having another child.  He behaved as though I was his mother is many ways, and I took on the responsibility, in many ways, mainly to ensure my kids and I kept our home, and my kids got the things they needed. 

I may not be helpful to you, and should probably start my own forum, but I related to your post so much, that I thought I would respond here first.

I know divorce is the direction I want to go, but I'm struggling with how to get there, and letting that discussion with h happen. 

I too am overwhelmed, and have started seeking support.  I also have a very small support system, as many of my friends are married. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
Sat, 06-15-2013 - 1:50pm

And your comments are so right on, and it took me awhile to get there, regarding your paragraph on his potential.  That is exactly what happened in our marriage. And it has taken me awhile to realize that he will not be that man.  And it is wasted energy and anger.  And then I have feelings of guilt.  And your next paragraph about the children and how they see their father is so right on also, everything you said!  And when we get past the anger, which I am almost there, I do see it that way.  I have gotten to this place as you explained it.. and it does feel so much better.  I am more at peace, in this respect, and finally at a place where I have no more expectations, and I have just accepted things as they are.  It is now time to move on.  My fear is now how will he respond, and what harm may be caused by his anger, resentment, etc., when i finally have the discussion with him.  Will he work hard to minimize the damage to the children.  I know that I have little control over what he does or says....  and I am working on letting that fear go.  So, thanks for your words. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2013
Sat, 11-16-2013 - 1:25pm

Doesn't he have a job? if he have a job you can file a complaint against him for child support. Divorce is truly a painful expereince, don't let those feelings eat you whole, think about your children use them as the main source of strength to start a new life. Goodluck on the new phase of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:24am

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