OW introduced today & I feel terrible...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
OW introduced today & I feel terrible...
30
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 6:34pm

Well, after much build up, my STBX introduced the OW today.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 7:42pm

Should you meet her? How do you feel about that? Would you feel better having met her or would it be more comfortable to do it on your own timetable? Take care of yourself first.

Sorry this has come up so suddenly. If you need to slow the progression, do it. Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 8:25pm

I don't post here often, but had to respond - hugs to you. You will more than likely have to meet her - not for her comfort, but for your daughter. The week after my ex moved in with the OW - she had a "family" portrait done - her boy from a previous marriage, my now ex-H (we were still married), the child they conceived from the affair, and my son. She then prominently displayed it where I would see it every time that I came to pick up my son. She had a smug look on her face everytime I came to pick him up, I just ignored her.

Don't expect your STBX to be of any help in this. You should hold your head up high - don't give her the satisfaction of knowing it is bothering you. FWIW I know of very few relationships like this that last. My now ex-H has now left her and the result was not one, but two broken families.

But - she got the prize - the booby prize......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 9:10pm
"Booby Prize" - that does make me feel better and smile a little bit!!! Anyone have some advice on how to approach an actual introduction with the OW? It would be one thing if this were someone he met after we divorced but knowing their relationship started while we were married
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 11:58pm

OUCH. I cant imagine. Although my poor mom had to deal with the same & she was/IS a horrid woman .... 24 years later - my Dad FINALLY divorced her ... & now he is DATING HER AGAIN. My brother & i want to VOMIT.


Anwyay, dont meet her till youa re ready. But maybe just getting it over with will bring less attention to it & it will just be DONE. I woudl be polite, on YOUR terf (your yard ... NOT your HOUSE! lol ... hmmm, unless of course you still have loving family pics in there that you want to rub her face in! hehehe).


Best of luck

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 8:31am

I think the only thing that will help is time. You are simply not ready to meet her and that is okay. Tell your dd that you will meet her, just not yet. And never never never tell your STBX how you feel. You cannot expect him to comfort you so don't let him know you feel humiliated or you feel anything. Tell your family, friends, your therapist, anybody except your children and your STBX. Telling him and having him not care will only make you feel worse. He is responsible for his actions but he can't go back in time to change things now and there is nothing he can do now to make it easier to accept the current circumstance.

Focus on moving on with your life and when you are ready, set up a meeting with her. I personally would propose meeting her one-on-one and set the rules upfront, it is a meeting to get to know each other because she's going to be in your children's lives and you should know each other well enough that if you end up on the phone together you can have a conversation. If you can give her a sense of what you feel is important when it comes to parenting your children, it will help her to know where you stand. If you and her can have an open line of communication, there will be times in the future you will be glad for that (even though most of the conversation and all of the decision making should happen between you and your STBX, she will be in the picture and there will be times you and her might need to talk and agree on something).

I would also recommend her reading the book "Ex-etiquette" or some equivalent co-parenting book. That one is good because it's written by a mom and a step-mom. Maybe you and her (down the road when you are feeling ready) could agree to both read it and talk about it when you meet (setting your boundaries and ground rules of the relationship you and her will have). For example, that you prefer most of the communication happen between you and your STBX (parents set the parenting rules, step-parents enforce them) but if she is alone with the children for some reason and she has a question, you want her to feel free to call you and ask you the question.

Are they planning to get married? If so, when the wedding is closer (and more certain) that is when you really should think about meeting her. There is not much of a point (IMHO) of meeting a gf, but it is important to meet someone who will be a step-parent (and again, not until you are ready).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 12:02pm



I post here sometimes and this one stood out to me. In my situation the OW is someone who used to be my best friend. I still refuse to speak to her and my stbxh always has her with him when he drops the girls off and it just turns my stomach. I honestly wouldnt be so nasty and mean if it was someone i didnt know. I say meet her when you feel it is right. You have to be ready because if not the meeting will take a turn for the worst. Our ex's will do nothing to help make things eaiser. They want to just rub it in our faces so I am gonna get him at his own game once i find the person i want to be with and see how much he likes it. I am not gonna stoop to their level though and just bring some bimbo arond my girls. Sorry this turned into my vent instead of a response.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 2:30pm

The OW came on my property one day to help my stbx move out of his garage/shop. I had heard about her from my kids and I went out, extended my hand to shake hers, said you must be so and so and told her my name (like she didn't know) and tried very hard to place where I'd seen her before. I told her she was very familiar looking and asked if she was from the area.........she took 4 steps back, didn't give any answers. I think my forwardness took her off guard. I wasn't mean, my tone was soft, like I was meeting a stranger. She wouldn't look at me and told my (then husband) to just start packing and that "this was between the two of you, leave me out of it". Ironic since she was there to help him pack and very much 'in it'. I retreated. I still think we went to high school together as I've later found out she grew up where I did.

I went out assuming she'd be civil, but as we've learned, it got uglier as time passed. I guess her first impression of me was of the 'evil woman' he'd described so I didn't blame her, but it certainly puts up some barriers. I'm sure I had horns from her perspective, from the horrer he'd described to her. Realities certainly change. I went from a wife with a good heart to some wack job that stole his house and family and woke up one day and wanted a divorce. I had to laugh as I was telling that to the counselor whom we'd been seeing (the 6th or so in our perfect marriage)and that he walked out on and didn't return when we started talking about reconciliation. She'd try and mark her territory for the next year, when ever possible. she still does. I gave her the book "Step Wives" after they married with a note thanking her for helping to take care of the kids and that I hoped we'd have some level of communicaiton someday for the sake of the kids. My ex wouldn't tell me she was even living with him and he said he was was 'sheltering her from me'. Cracked me up, since I have such a huge violent history and all........NOT!

Nothing prepares you for the emotions of the OW. Nothing. Books help but time will help the most. Read some books your self and ignore her if she's a toad. I left a door open to have something civil, but she tried to take the parenting reigns and fix and plan everything for my ex, and I didn't.......still am not going to co-parent with her. She's been a wench. She calls me names to my kids, wouldn't let the kids call on their 'dad's time' and I didn't know where she lived and my kids were staying at her house. The whole thing was sick. She told me one day on the phone that I wasn't allowed to call her phone number....which is also my ex's and where my kids are at. I could see if I was a stocker or even called more than 10%, if that, of the time on his time, but I don't. She told me I could call on his 'cell' and that's it. Needless to say, I filed contempt charges and she's backed off. The kids can call, sort of, but she's just become irrelevant. I don't give her many options of getting into control situations or pissing matches. It will rip your guts out in a totally different way to deal with and have another woman involved with your kids........no matter how emotionally mature you are. Nothing prepares you for the 'momma bear' that wants to unload and has visions of doing so.......in many ways. It was hard for me, that's not who I am and I've never had to have my kids' brain messed with by another woman especially. My ex stands by and gloats. One time he told me that she isn't fighting his battles, she's just not going to put up with my crap....which was ironic since I'd only seen or talked to the woman like 6 times in the year. She's definitely got a stronger personality than him and bigger cahoonas, but still, you’re the parent and boundaries can be drawn on your end as well. You have to learn to let some things go and NEVER show the emotion in front of them. That feeds my ex like nothing........with whip cream on top! Those are his glory moments. I'm civil to her and her kids when we are at functions, but have to bite my tongue off at he gestures and looks. She bosses my ex around and keeps him in line, but she's lost the power over me because I treat her as she is........nice but irrelevant. She's only with my kids every other weekend and the 'new' is wearing off. It's been almost 3 years but she doesn't treat my kids quite like 'her own' as she promised and time seems to take care of a lot. My biggest victory has come in acting (because you don't feel this way in the beginning), that she's a stranger on the road. I was open to a more......in depth relationship and working schedules out with her until, like I said, she started taking care of everything and opening mail, censoring calls and wanting me to talk to only her. Not so much! I don't talk to my ex hardly ever, but we are still the parents and I'm not accountable to her or what works for her life. You can show her what you expect. You're the mom and sometimes other women will come in with both guns blazing.....with or without good intentions, you are still the mom and while you can learn to appreciate that she will be apart of your child’s life and be grateful if she's good to your child, you ARE NOT in competition with her. She will be apart of your child’s life, but you will always be the mom........that's a hard one to remember as your child yells her name with glee and runs out for a big hug. Don't pretend your not feeling what you are either. Journal through it, read through it and stay busy. Define your boundaries and what you want, what you'll accept. She was a gf for almost 2 years and had a LOT of say in many things. GF or new spouse, they can still mess with your emotions, your child. You may never be 'ready' to meet her, and think about sooner than later. She many not be around, but portray a confident, nice, cheerful person that is not intimidated. Crumble when you walk back in your house if you need to........but never in front of either of them. If you think you can't hold it together and say "hi, you must be......wench......it's great to meet to you" and sometimes that will be enough. Smile; prepare your defenses for an attack or looks. Remember, she's not really excited to meet you probably either. You may represent a threat to her on totally different levels. She may also not be around for long.

Read "Step Wives". Some of it didn't relate to me, but it does give you insight into the 'other side' that I didn't understand. I've seen my sister in law struggle with being a step parent and that's helped me, but the OW in my case was really a controller, still is. The less power you give them in your life, in thought or action, the more irrelevant they become and that relieves you to live without the agony. I didn't care my ex was with someone else, I cared that she had two teenage kids and she was messing with my kids and basically flipping me off. There's nothing you can do, in a lot of things, but you can control your environment, your thoughts and just keep telling yourself, "you're not in competition with her as a parent and she's irrelevant". Over the last few months of redirecting my communications as a parent to my ex and away from her, she's backed off. After court, I told her, there are some things you are NOT going to mess with and some things I will fight for. She knew I had some less than attractive calls recorded and even though I dropped the charges after we went to mediation, she's still backed off and realizes there are some things, as a mother, I can fight for adn will fight for. Someday maybe we'll be in a different place, but this dynamic doesn’t happen overnight and it's brutal to your heart.........so take care of yourself first!!!

You might read the book, "custody chaos, Personal peace", that helps a lot in many areas you are about to walk through. Just know you're normal and give yourself time. Cry, read, journal and cry some more. It's hard and it sometimes just hurts! You can do it though! You will walk away a better person, more confident and secure in many areas of your life.......if you let the experience unfold. Hold on. Meet her when you're ready but man, the anticipation gave me the heebee geebee's and I wanted the anxiety OVER. I wanted to look at her in the eye and communicate 1. you can have him and 2. I'm not afraid of you or hiding out 3. I'm not as big as *itch as he said. Not sure what i communicated and she still thinks I'm a *itch I think, but oh well. I never wanted to be her friend and I know what her future holds with him.............and it's not all fluffy as it may have once seemed.

You can do it!!! These are the moments we grow by feet, not by inches. You'll cry perhaps after, you'll relive the moment or expressions, but you'll have done it, you'll have stood your ground and you will walk away stronger. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 7:06am

I am trying my best to be strong about this but the OW being involved with the kids is harder on me than anything else so far.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 9:38am



I really liked what you said about dealing with it with a smile and crumble once inside if you have to. My question to you or anyone else is this, How do you put on the "happy" face when OW is someone who used to be my friend? I know her very well and she knows me. I cant stand the fact of my girls being anywhere arouind her so i have stopped allowing my kids to go with stbxh because of her. She has a history of drug use, does not have custody of her kids, does not work or contribute and my stbxh is supporting her and not his kids. I have tried to be civila nd nice and i get walked all over. Any suggestions????


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 10:19am

>>> I cant stand the fact of my girls being anywhere arouind her so i have stopped allowing my kids to go with stbxh because of her. She has a history of drug use, does not have custody of her kids, does not work or contribute and my stbxh is supporting her and not his kids.<<<

Legally you can't do this and it could come back to bite you in court later. I think you may be letting your emotions get in the way of your children's best interests. You may not like her and may not want your children around her, but children do need both their parents. Even if one parent is less than ideal, children need to grow up seeing that for themselves. Since you say she has a history of drug use, I am assuming you know of no instance where drugs have been used when the children are present. If she has been left alone with the children and put them in harms way, you will need evidence in order to keep her away from the children. But there is no way you can keep them away from their father because of her. It's just all around not a good idea. What do the children think is the reason they haven't been able to go with their father?

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