OW introduced today & I feel terrible...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
OW introduced today & I feel terrible...
30
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 6:34pm

Well, after much build up, my STBX introduced the OW today.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:00am

That would be a double ouch! You are putting on a happy face for you, not for them. You are presenting strength, what other option do you have? He's made a choice, she's in his life and you can't change that. If your concerned about your child's safety, that's another issue. It would be very hard to have someone know you and you know her. That would probably be more haunting than not knowing each other maybe. It's been hard for me to know that my ex’s wife knows things about me through my ex’s perception, has pictures, etc, but I know nothing about her. I'm not sure what is worse. Not knowing allows your brain to wonder, but knowing tells you what you are dealing with and gives you maybe some options of ways to approach the situation maybe and that could be a blessing.

You said you prevented him from seeing your girls..........do you not have a decree that states a visitation schedule? Do you have the option of preventing that contact?

If your girls are being left in an unsafe environment, that needs to be dealt with but the hardest hurdle is getting to a place of accepting that if it's not her, then it will be someone else. You have to get to a place where you let some things go and find the line between your feelings and your children’s. It's not an easy journey. I found I didn't wake up and have that awe-haw experience, I still don't always, but it knocks me on my butt far less time than it used to. You have to intuitively parent which means you have to listen carefully, ask questions (I know others don't agree with that, but when you are genuinely afraid for your kids, digging a hole in the sand doesn’t help anyone). You can ask questions and get general directions that, as a parent, you need to know in some situations.

My 11 yr old came home one time and said the OW's 15 year old son was playing with himself next to him in the car. My ex flipped out, but that was little consolation to me who's done foster care for years and know that there is more possibly to that and it meant my girls and boys may be living with a sexual predator whom I knew nothing about and had no way of finding out. I asked my ex, he wanted to know 'what I knew' before he'd tell me and I told him I'd jump to mother conclusions and draw some boundaries if he wasn't going to be straight. Needless to say, my kids and I had further talks about touching, telling and I watched carefully for behavior, verbiage and passively had them bathe after coming home to watch for any physical signs of anything. My ex protects the OW at all costs and has compromised our kids safety more than once. Some battles you can fight, others you have to let go or you'll go completely insane! The trick is finding the middle ground, the unparanoid or unemotionally charged ground of your hate and hurt emotions toward her/him and your child’s relationship with their other parent.

It's been 3 years for me and I'm just now getting to a place where I have stopped ALLOWING them, more than I used to, to mess with MY life, in MY home. The fear of the unknown and the fear of giving up your children to a parent that is as responsible as a post, is frightening. Frightening in a way that I've never experienced. Helpless in a way I've never experienced. Over time, as you see the kids come back home, in one piece, perhaps filthy and in the same diaper or not fed or in a way 'you' would have taken care of them, you have to wrestle and make the choice of fretting over what you CAN control and what you CAN'T control. There are certain realities about divorce you have to swallow. They suck, they hurt, they bring out fear you didn't know you had, they bring out hate and dark feelings you might be surprised you even feel and may be embarrassed to say you feel. But it still boils down to you having two choices and with time, you learn to navigate those choices with more accuracy. You can choose to control what you can control in your home, in your life, in your 'time' or you can choose to give that time, control and peace to anger and him or her. They aren't even there anymore and yet they just stole another day of your life. Once you get angry at that, the process of changing your thoughts, begins.

I literally had conversations with myself.......my spouse......my counselor........my journal......trying to figure out, separate myself from the heat of the emotion and look at it like I was looking at the situation for a friend. Am I over reacting? Is this my stuff or is it a legitimate concern? Can I change it? Are my children in danger or being hurt?

Many, many things I've learned I've had to choose either my peace or live in a world of anxiety because I wasn't going to change anything anyway. There are things you can change, bring up and are worth addressing and there are things you know in your gut are going to get brushed off by your ex. I used to have my attorney write letters and would get realllllllly angry about things like things being sent home ruined, with pee on them, or not at all. He's late all the time, he doesn't abide by the agreement in many areas, to say the least. He lets his wife take care of the kids and he's only supposed to be gone for 4 hours, but is gone all day. He wasn't letting the kids call, he wasn't using seat belts. He drops them off in the middle of my busy road, he was drinking and driving, he wouldn't give me insurance information, he doesn’t pay his medical bills, he won't respond to attempts to figure out holiday or visitation schedules or things the kids need to do or homework, and on and on and on. I spent $7,000 in court and a year of my life when I filed for 17 counts of contempt. The judge wasn't impressed, told him to pay medical and we went to 3 pre-trials, were ordered to mediation so the judge didn’t need to micro-manage our decree, spent another $1,000 in mediation and 17 hours of my life and walked away empty handed. Well, I shouldn't say empty because the kids started to call and that was a huge victory for them. The kids counselors called him and her on their behavior and how it was affecting the kids and I learned that no one really cares, not the attorney's or the judges. I learned that next time I go to court it better be worth the college education of my children or their braces or a great vacation because it costs an insane amount of money and even more precious time. I asked my attorney one day, are these things people just learn to live with even though he agreed to them and isn’t doing them? He said, yes, unless you want to pay for my kids to go to college instead of yours. Things that mess with YOUR life, mean little if anything to those outside of your life. That is a harsh reality, especially when it does affect you and your kids lives. An officer told me that unless the kids were gone for 24 hours, they won't pursue custodial interference in my county and even though we live just up from a blind hill on a busy, main road, they wont' do anything about my kids being dropped off in the middle of the road either unless they 'see him'. He did call my ex for me, and he’s not done it since then, but that doesn’t always work. He knows there are certain things he’s technically in contempt for, but he also knows it’s a huge war and battle and a lot of money to enforce it. Wrong, yes. Reality, yes. You figure out, there's a time to fight and there's a time to just know he's a jerk. When the OW came around, they were long hard days and nights and frustration I’d never felt. I wasn't quiet and did what was in my control. Contempt told both he and her that I wasn’t screwing around with certain things. I drew a line. A very expensive one, but they also had to defend the process and it is easier sometimes to comply in certain areas than to pay an attorney a lot of money to defend what you know is a court order. My kids had a voice.........that's what I fought for and since that time, things, at least for the kids, have gotten better. It was worth the time and money but I'd certainly do a few things differently.

A mediator told me, there are not bad agreements, only bad people and a piece of paper isn't going to give someone with no integrity, a boost of integrity. You fight what you can win, what's worth the loss of money, time and emotion in YOUR life. You fight to keep your kids safe from real harm but it's a fight and it sucks your life. I would give anything to have the past wasted three years of loss of sleep, anxiety attacks and loss of time I should have been playing with my kids but instead was typing up 'my case' and in looking back, some things will never change. Some did. He'll always be a jerk I have a feeling. She'll never probably be the type I can have a functional conversation with or quit bashing me to my kids but instead of getting mad for days......I have started teaching my kids that they have a voice they need to find and use, that I have no control over some things that happen 'over there' and that I care how they feel and they are welcome to share the good and the bad with me without judgment.

If you're worried about their safety, don't fret, take action. Action will speak louder than anything you'll ever say or any face you'll ever pull. If, when push comes to shove, it's your emotions and the kids are probably okay, then save your fight for something else. Get some counseling because the emotions that come with the OW are almost more overwhelming than others, I think. They have been the hardest to hurdle. They have been the most threatening and I've always thought I was secure in my position as 'mother', so it caught me off guard.

I'm sorry, that was a long response to your question, but your question has a few layers that all affect each other. Go get the book, "Custody Chaos, Personal Peace". It will help you have some ideas of when to fight, when to let go. The goal is peace in your own life and you have to cut the cord of conflict with the past to do that. You're tied to the past through hate, resentment and anger. I've gotten to a space where it infuriates me that I've allowed him to affect another one of my days. Give your girls the tools to navigate the space you have no control over because the reality is.......at the end of the day, unless you have a very good reason, they are going to have to go to their dad's and you can't pick who he's with. She's not going anywhere, for today. Divorce can be about damage control a lot of times, but not stealing not ONE MORE DAY OF YOUR LIFE! A natural break happens when you choose to do something else, to think, to be busy doing something other than focusing on the things you can't change and focusing on the things you CAN change. You'll find yourself only getting irate for a few hours, then maybe one or two and then for just a few minutes.........just long enough to catch the path your headed down and to alter the direction, let it go and realize if you have no expectations and know he or she's a twink, then you can move on to something in your life. THEY don't care. They get a pay off if you’re angry. They won the battle if you’re stewing.

Like I said, you put the happy face on because when you 'act as if', it becomes reality. Eventually, your hate hopefully moves to more indifference and you bounce between the two less and less until...........indifference is the main place you live. Hate and indifference are the opposites. Indifference........feels incredibly freeing! Hate keeps you tied and will never allow you to move on.

Choose your battles wisely. There is a time to fight and a time to retreat for the sake of YOUR life, not theirs. There is a time retreating is the tactic that is necessary in the battle. One conflict at a time, you win the battle of getting your life back!

Smile because you're a better person. Put on the happy face because they aren't going to level you. Be cordial because your children are watching. You can have boundaries and still smile. You can enforce those boundaries with grace........it just takes practice and repititition. The more indifferent you become, the quieter you are. I no longer send long letters telling him what I think or feel, because he doesn’t care. I just send brief notes (if it’s really, really something that is important) that say what I'm going to do if certain behavior continues and it has to be behavior I'm willing to go the distance and follow through with.

I'm not sure if any of that helps. You're in a bad space but you can walk through it a better person and your kids can see incredible lessons of life because of it. It's the hardest dynamic, the new woman and the old woman. It's brutal in nature, so feel what you need to in order to get your emotions processed, but don't get stuck because it only steals YOUR life and when you do that, they both win.

My mother always said, the best revenge was living well and some of the most powerful words are never said. Sorry this is so long. It just happen to be a place I’ve struggled for the past 3 years in……..so I guess I vent a bit. ;)

Best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:06am



He makes no effort to even see the girls. His gf got out of jail on xmas day and he has had them 3 weekends since and each time they have been left with her while he worked or whatever. He smokes pot from the time he wakes up till he goes to bed. The girls have seen him do it and he has told them that if they say anything that he will get into trouble. She has had the abuse hotline called on her for doing drugs in front of her own kids. I have documentation since Nov 04 of everytime he said he was gonna call, come see them or even come by and get them. He has let my girls down so many times and they know not to count on him. I have sucked it up and let them go over there for the weekend knowing they would be there with her. The last time they had them, they went to church and she took it upon herself to spank my oldest, whos 8, even though her father was right there. To me that is unacceptable. She should have told him and he should have taken care of it, not her.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:10am

Well, I will share my story even though my situation is different from many here.

My marriage lasted 27 years, most of which were verbally and emotionally abusive. My ex is very obsessed with "how things look" and the world thought we were the happiest family. My children (now adults) were shielded from the worst of it also.

What brought me to leave was the knowledge that there was another woman that was everything I am not according to ex. He didn't want a divorce, just to live with her. He was going to stick me with all the bills. I moved out of the house that was second mortgaged to the hilt (to pay for all his toys) and filed. He was outraged that his mousy little wife found the courage to stand up to him.

After I moved out I went back to the house a few times to get stuff that I remembered I wanted. I always went when I knew he was at work. I am a school teacher and I was off for the summer. Well, one time the OW was there cleaning. She had lots of stuff in trash bags. I walked up to her, introduced myself and thanked her for getting him out of my life. Her jaw dropped to the floor and she told me he was the most wonderful man. I told her that I knew better than anyone what the BEGINNING looks like and I also know what lies ahead for her. It was a very freeing experience, I looked at her and all I felt was pity. I knew at that moment I was going to be fine.

Since then she has sent me emails whining about him. It's been two years so the Dr. Jekyll is becoming Mr. Hyde. He spends a great deal of money on her so she stays. BTW she has been married and divorced three times. In the divorce, I waived alimony on the condition that he remove me from all debt. He is now stuck with what he was going to stick me with. She also said that I didn't appear to be the woman that he described to her (no kidding).

My children are adults and so there is no parenting plan to discuss. They choose to spend more time with their dad than me cause he throws money at them (all on credit). Last Christmas they went away "as a family" with her son. So I spent Christmas alone and probably will for awhile. I refuse to compete at his level. If my adult children want to put a price on their time it's their loss. My daughter (age 22)worships the other woman cause she's glamorous. My son (age 26) tolerates her because his father pays most of his bills. Both kids live in the house that I moved out of - ex lives with the girlfriend at her place (extremely nice house she got from her last divorce).

My advice is do whatever you can to gain strength. You will not get him back if there is a third party in the picture. The best you can do for yourself and child is to take the high road. I found a wonderful divorce support group that is nationwide called Divorce Care www.divorcecare.org find one in your area. They will help. Focus on you. What ever dd says about OW let it roll off your back, I had to learn that myself.

You will get through this. We are here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:13am

I too found the OW to be the hardest hurdle thus far. she complicated a LOT of things I was surprised my ex allowed to be complicated.

You're in a hard space, there's no way around that. It will pass though. Your kids are young like mine were. You can certainly request sole custody if he's not on his feet. That doesn't sound like a great environment for them. You can address those issues while you have the chance. You could request to limit overnights or not have any while he's living in that type of environment. You can request a custody evaluation, they will evaluate the entire picture, free from emtotion. You're not asking for them not to see the kids, but your kids are very young and to request a stable enviroment, is NOT too much to ask. In my experience, when another woman gets involved, things can get ugly. Don't expect thigns to be amlicable or nice.

Have you thought about going to mediation? If there is still an option to communicate with your STBX, it could save you thousands of dollars but also may give you the option of working something that works for your KIDS and your own lives instead of a judge picking for you.

Best of luck. I'm sorry you're in that space but truly.......I'm living proof, it will pass and you will hurdle this!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:26am
I made if perfectly clear to my ex-H, that if I found out that she laid one hand on my son in anger- I would not hesitate to get the police involved. I did not use corporal punishment on my son and I would be damned if she was going to. She used a belt on her own son.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:33am




Thank you so much for that post. You did open my eyes to a lot of things that i know I need to change in my situation. I have let him consume me for too long and it has gotten a bit better, but I honestly dont know if i will ever be "OK" with the whole situation. As much as I hate him and dispise him, i still love him. We were high school sweethearts and I still cant picture spending my life with anyone else. I know someday that feeling may change. He was physically abusive and that is the MAIN reason for the split, i mean there were smaller things but those could have been worked out. It is just hard that she always throws it in my face that she has him and she has the life I had. She is now"family"with my in laws and I think that is what hurts more than anything. I have since cut ties to all his sisters whom I used to speak to daily through email. Once I got his answer to my petition, i had to cut it off. He has agreed to give me sole custody with him having fair access to the kids.


SO, they can actually get away with breaking the agreement to visitation with vertually no reprocussions on them?




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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:42am

My sympathies. That is a really tough situation to be faced with. I can tell you my mom would never have let my sister and I go with our dad if he thought he would do drugs in front of us. She trusted him and he lied. We didn't know it was drugs so we didn't say anything. Still, I treasure the little time I had with him since he died when I was 11 and I am thankful that my mom did not stand in the way of it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:45am



See thats just it. My dad died when i was 12. My parents were still together. I am and always have been big on my girls having their dad in there life. It is just he is making it impossable to be nice and accomidate his time anymore.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:52am
You are just doing the best you can, and that is all you can do. If my mom had known she couldn't trust my dad to not do drugs in front of us, she would have made different decisions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 12:02pm



I have to admit that i have smoked pot in the past, not around my kids. I know that when i mention it to the judge or mediator to have him tested that he will bring up my past. How much will that affect me I wonder even though i will come up clean and he wont???


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