OW introduced today & I feel terrible...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
OW introduced today & I feel terrible...
30
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 6:34pm

Well, after much build up, my STBX introduced the OW today.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 12:06pm

I would ask your attorney, but it's can't be the first time it's happened. Past use and is not as bad as currently using IMHO. If you bring up him being tested and he yells "She used drugs in the past" don't even answer him, just turn to the mediator and say "I'd be fine with both of us being tested if you think that is best, I leave it to your judgement, I just want my children to be safe." That will take the spotlight off you and put it back where it should be.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 12:28pm

Thank you all for posting your experience and suggestions. I'm glad I read all the way through this thread. I, too, am experiencing lots of anger/jealousy feelings re: the new wife who is trying to take on the mommy role at the encouragement of my ex. It's a real bitter pill. But like alot of the posters said, "he's HER problem now". The new will wear off soon and she will one day see him as the controlling, verbal abuser that I knew.

It's so ironic that she looks like me...although lucky for her, younger and thinner (she didn't birth 4 HUGE babies), more $$ (she didn't interrupt her career for 15 years to care for kids/husband/house).

I've heard so much about the problems between Mom and second wife relating to the kids on these boards. What is it about a second wife that she feels she has some automatic right to parent someone else's kids? In my case, I know it's because my ex is deliberately encouraging my youngest DD to see her as a "second mommy" by having new wife do all the child care activities. Apparently she's willing to be the kid's nanny (unrequited motherhood desires? I dunno.) and it makes my lazy ex's life easy, so he's happy as a clam.

I loathe these feelings of regret/jealousy/unfairness, etc... and refuse to drag my soul down with them. I keep reminding myself that "now, I am FREE!!!"

I appreciate everyone's wisdom who posts here, it's a HUGE help.

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 12:40pm

>>>What is it about a second wife that she feels she has some automatic right to parent someone else's kids?<<<

I think sometimes it's not that the new wife feels the "right" it's that she feels obligated to jump in and be a good step-parent, and remember, if he's throwing her into the mommy role she's stuck in the middle of it just the same as you and the children are. In the book "Ex-etiquette" the authors talk about a dad who was very put off by the new step-dad showing up at every sporting event and trying to look like super-dad. He finally just said "You are stepping in my toes, I'm the dad here" or something along those lines. The step-dad apologized and said he didn't realize he was stepping on his toes, he just was trying to be a good supportive step-dad. He backed off and then they were able to get along. I think that is what happens a lot - the parent see's the step-parent as getting into their turf and resents the step-parent and the step-parent see's it as just trying to be helpful and doesn't get why the other parent is so territorial. Of course, it's not always a communication issue - sometimes one side or the other is a complete idiot (or worse) and is just making life hard for everyone for no good reason.

You should also read this knowing I am not a step-parent and that my dd does not have a step-parent. My ex and I are both in the dating stages and we have no disputes thus far. I've just read about it in anticipation :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 1:57pm

I'm not many years down the road, but I don't think you ever become 'okay' with the whole thing. There is always something that has a cloud, something in the distance. I guess some may be able to be more unattached than others, but from speaking with people, there is always that hint, if nothing else, of a former life. I think you make peace with it, but I'm not sure that's the same as being 'okay' with it. No matter how you process it, it's part of the past, it was lived, it was alive and now it's not. It doesn't go away and every exchange of the kids reaffirms both HER existence and his existence in a former life you had together and on some levels continue because you share kids. It's been an odd reality to process sometimes.

I'm remarried and at more peace than I've been in years and so I'm still taken back by what surfaces and what layers come off piece by piece over time. Things I thought were okay, still come up and shake me now and then. It's been interesting to experience both grief of something and yet gratitude for where you are. I wouldn’t be anywhere but here and my divorce allowed me to experience "ME" and also experience a true connection with someone that I didn't have in 15 years with my ex. It's all part of life, learning, growing and overcoming. Someone said that peace comes on the shirt tale of strife. You have more gratitude for one emotion when you've experienced the opposite.

Yes, there are things that he's going to get away with. There are little annoyances that you can fight if you want, but you'll be broke. There are battles worth the money to fight, like I mentioned, and there are things you just have to suck up or he will just steal your life, one annoyance at a time. Once they lose that power over you, it all becomes relative to the moment. Everything becomes a choice, do I let him steal another hour of my life or should I go bake cookies with my kids? SOOOOOO many things resolve their self with just time. Even jerk ex's often come to their senses after deliberation. It may take months and they may have to have the last word, but I certainly would have saved a lot of money with attorneys if I'd just had some patients. You also learn to put up some boundaries and respectfully just say, this is what I’m doing during my time…….period.

I was told a court order was a court order. I've always followed rules and so I figured the threat of contempt would make him comply.........not so much as I've learned. It becomes what you can prove, not in way of what the kids said or what you know is true, but what you can solidly prove and what evidence you have that supports that. You can testify but it’s your word against his and who ever had the better story telling attorney….wins. Did you want to hire a private detective to prove that he was not following the 1st right of refusal? I didn't. I'd rather save that in a fund and go to Disney land, after the past year of attorney bills. Some things are more black and white but an awful lot of things are gray, arguable, and questionable and can be twisted by the other side. It's nerve wracking. My ex didn't go in and tell the truth, he lied. I was naive to think people tell the truth........they don't. Some judges are more strict. I live in a county that is known for not dealing with things but the neighboring county has judges that would send a guy to jail for not paying $30 in medical expenses on time and I had a pile of them. Unfortunately you can’t pick your judges where I live or change counties. All the judge said to my ex about past medical was, you better pay those. He did pay them, in another month or so when it was convenient for him and it took several thousand dollars to get him to pay $1,000 worth of medical. The system is not fair and sometimes you win, sometimes you lose and you risk the losing when you go. That’s what I mean about picking your battles and only fighting those that you can win because there are many variables and no one in that court room knows you and you don't get enough time for them to ever know you. So, don't know if that answers your questions, but yes, sometimes people get away with not doing what the court order said. "Eventually" my attorney told me, the judge will listen. I said by then I'll be broke, you'll have a new boat and it will be irrelevant. It took like 8 months to get to court......many things work their selves out by then anyway. We've started a Disneyland fund instead of an attorney fund and I've taken different strategies, taught my kids differently because of it and learned he's going to be an *ss.......so it's more 'par for the course' than not.

I'm sorry you're missing your ex. If it makes it feel better, someday....with some time, you will miss him less and maybe not at all. I don't miss my ex at all. I miss the 'wholeness' that my kids had with one home instead of two, I miss a few things he knew how to do, but I don't miss the person I was or our relationship or not being loved for who I was. I still get a sting of the past that surprises me. I still have a moment of reminiscent memory that is not anything specific; it's just sort of a part of you that surfaces now and then as if to see if you're still there and not totally forgotten about the past. I can see it now, look at it, appreciate it and walk on now. Those used to level me for a day, a week. It's a great place to look back and see the dots. You'll do that too...........and someday, I pray for your heart, you will "forgive and remember" as I read in a book once. You see it through glasses not totally etched with pain or what if's. You see it as it was, something that brought you to where you are today and hopefully you've allowed yourself to be who you are more fully........so the demons in the past have little control over your life any more.

Peace is the hardest thing I've ever had to find.......I suppose it's an ongoing process but I'm certainly grateful today for the moments of reprieve I have of pure peace than what I had in the past of continual chaos, self doubt and a different kind of pain.

Best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:21pm



Thanks. I know I have to just "forget and get over him" I messed up a relationship with someone that would have done anything in his power to keep me happy because my stbxh called me up crying that he loved me and wanted to work things out and i foolishly fell for it. I have to just deal with the fact that it is over, he has moved on and i need to do the same. I will not allow myself to be controlled by him any longer. He thinks he still controls me by not giving me child support or making me call him for it. Once child support is established I am done. I will speak to him only about the kids, nothing more!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:31pm

Ahhh.... the "he said" "she said" game.... I think it's important what you're doing NOW.... and what your record has to say.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:49pm

Your doin good gal!

"Forgeting and getting over it" .........such a small amount of words for all the stinking time it takes to get there hu? You're well on your way. It's a rollercoaster and so if your motion sick, you're where you need to be....where everyone is all through the process to one degree or another.

Lots of time ex's will freak out when they see you can move on and you are cutting the control ties and the child support is garnished...... ;) Resolves lots of things!

I just keep telling myself.....he can't mess with my life without my permission!!!

It's very vindicating to move forward, even if it's one tiny step at a time! Yee Haw!

Have a great day gal......wish you the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 5:28pm

I read that book too. It would be great if my ex would also co-parent respectfully, but what that book doesn't address is how to co-parent with a jerk! It takes two to create ex-ettiquette. I'm capable of it and behaving appropriately, but all it gets me is condescension and noncommunication. Thus, we're headed back to court. I've been getting all the books I can get on how to deal with an ex determined to be nasty.

I do sort of pity the poor new wife--she is not seeing the reality of what that man is really like. They've been married about 8 months now, so I expect the "new" to start wearing off soon. New wife comes from a divorced home where her mom essentially took over and raised her step brother, so that's all she knows. I guess the NCP's in that family didn't care much about the kids, or didn't put up a fight--she says everyone was ok with that. She rarely ever saw her bio-dad. So I understand her point of reference is different, but my family is not her family.

I actually had the conversation with her about I felt she was stepping on my toes with my DD and respectfully asked if we could set some behavior boundaries. She got all upset and said "I will do whatever MY HUSBAND wishes for me to do while that child is in MY house." Rational communication with her or ex is hopeless at this point. Now, she will not even speak to me at kids' ballgames, etc. I still go sit by her (hee hee) and she moves. Sokay by me if she wants to be childish.

I'm also really po'd about how she's always taking my girls out to eat, to movies, shopping etc. They have a combined income about 4 times what mine is--makes it tough to compete with popcorn and a video at mom's house. I think my girls are smart enough to see what reality is, I just have to be patient.

Thanks for reading my whine.

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 6:10pm

>>>It would be great if my ex would also co-parent respectfully, but what that book doesn't address is how to co-parent with a jerk!<<<

I agree. It's a good book if you get along or if getting along with your ex is possible, but you just need to know how to do it, and it's a good starting point. The guidelines in that book would never work for my bf and his ex, she won't work with him because what she wants is for him to disappear from his son's life and he won't.

Someone on another board just recommended this book: "Joint Custody With A Jerk!" It looks interesting, I might check it out, you know, just for tips to give others :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 6:16pm

You're right.... don't underestimate your girls.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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