OW just had a baby - surprise!
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| Wed, 03-29-2006 - 1:17pm |
OK, I knew that STBX had a very young girlfriend when we split, but last fall it wasn't worth my time and money to try to prove misconduct so I agreed to irreconcilable differences. I recently found out that OW was pregnant before we decided to divorce. STBX and our DD helped bring the baby home last week. My DD (7) and DS (almost 2) live with my STBX a couple days a week. OW and the baby are still living with OW's parents. STBX told DD that the baby is her brother. STBX and I have not discussed the pregnancy or baby it at all. I've been holding my cards very close to my chest for now since our divorce is NOT final. The baby was full term and STBX didn't file for divorce until mid-July and didn't move out of our family home until August 1. I'm sure you can do the math. I meet with my attorney on Friday to discuss my options. I do not plan to significantly challenge our current parenting schedule, but I'm seriously considering trying to get more out of the financial settlement than what I previously had planned. We were headed for a 50/50 split of everything. Even before this I felt strongly that I had contributed much more to the marriage and the recent news is a big reminder that I can't depend on STBX to always be there for our children. I'm feeling like I need to do what ever I can do now to secure their future.
Anyone been there, done that???

Wow, I have to say, that's really something! Your children are going to have a new sibling, and he doesn't let you know?
I have not been in the same position myself, so I would say just listen to your attorney's advice on this one. From what my lawyer said, unfortunately, marital misconduct does not usually significantly impact a final settlement. But this is in CT. However, I can't imagine anything more glaring than the fact that this woman had a full-term baby eight months after he filed for divorce. That's a whole lot of proof right there.
How are your DD and DS dealing with it? Are they confused? Excited? More importantly, how are you dealing with it?
What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Well.... I don't think it's appropriate to, out of the blue (especially when he knew what was happening) to tell your kids "oops! you have a baby brother."
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I'm ok now after a couple nights last week of having friends stay with me so I wouldn't be alone while consuming a few bottles of wine (the kids were with STBX and/or his parents).
I am very thankful that I learned of this now when I am so much stronger than I was a few months ago. My career is really starting to blossom and I was actually on cloud nine about my career potential when I received the news.
I am very thankful that I didn't find out while he was still living in our house (I might have killed him).
I am very thankful that any doubt I had that our divorce was the right thing for us to do is GONE! GONE! GONE!
After running a credit check on him I am very thankful that we separated when we did. He has run up about 20K more in credit card debt since we split. NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE!
I'm VERY ANGRY that he is not the father I thought he was. I can not believe that he did not think he should prep me so that I could help our daughter adjust to all of this. Our son is still very young. He's more likely to have problems with this later when he figures it out that he was still a baby while his daddy was busy making another baby with someone other than his mother.
I'm even LIVID that he made our daughter feel like she couldn't talk to me about this. She of course did and then worried (I hope short-lived) that he would be mad at her. She said "Daddy said not to tell you and that if you wanted to know you would ask him." She seems mildly excited that she has a brother. Fortunately I heard through the small town grapefine the same night that they brought the baby home. However at that time I didn't know what or how much STBX had told DD. I told her that Daddy isn't allowed to be mad at her for talking to me about ANYTHING. I told her that she is allowed to tell me or her Daddy anything any time she wants to. She calmed down very quickly. That all happened on Monday night. I haven't brought it up again since then.
Yesterday DD (7) wrote this in her journal (the one I'm allowed to read): I love my family. I am happy. I hope my family is happy too.
That made me feel loads better and helped me feel more confident that I'm doing something right. Regardless, I'm going to find a therapist for her very soon.
DS is not even 2 yet so we may have questions from him later, but not now.
DD is 7.5. She learned a lot about pregnancy while I was pregnant with DS. We had books all over our house. She gave a very detailed description to her kindergarten class about how any why my belly button was disappearing - her teacher thanked me for that one :).
However we've never talked about sex. She knows that babies have a mother and a father and as far as I know she just thinks that God helps people make babies. I will never lie to her if she asks me a question, but I'm not eager for her to know anymore than she already does at this point.
However as I mentioned in the other post, I am going to make arrangements for her to talk to a therapist. However, I'm not going to make a big deal about her going and won't refer to the therapist as a doctor. He/she will just be someone to talk to.
Good plan!.... I mean, in a way, she could think that "somebody" (friend, relative, etc.) has a baby, and that's how you can, ALSO, get brothers and sisters, especially if it's not *clear* that this woman is romantically in her daddy's life.
A therapist.... "friend" to talk to.... is a great idea, especially with girls.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks for the "friend" idea.
As best that I can gather STBX reintroduced DD to OW a couple weeks ago. Before they met OW at a restaurant he told DD that he had a girlfriend and that she was pregnant. As soon as DD saw her she saw that she was pregnant and recognized her. DD has seen OW periodically over the past few years, but until recently not as Daddy's girlfriend. She was one of Daddy's students. Daddy used to coach OW when she was still in high school.
I do think that DD has sort of figured out that that daddy's girlfriend is one of the reasons why daddy doesn't live with us any more, but she seems ok with that as long as she still sees a lot of Daddy and as long as she thinks I'm happy with our new way of being a family too. I am generally happy - Not as happy as I'll be after I meet a the man in my future who is good in the sack, likes to cook, and can pay all his own bills - but I'm happy.
My XH got someone prego when we split up like not even 2 months after. Didn't mention anything to me even when I already knew because of where I work. Took our then 4yr old DD to meet her new sister the day after she had the baby. Believe me he told me after the fact and his whole F'd up family all were there taking pictures like nothing. I physically beat the crap out of my XH because he was MY H at the time. Denied it the whole time saying "(our DD) is my ONLY baby and NO ONE else would ever take her place..."
I did beat the crap out of him in front of my DD and I regret my DD was there. I don't regret his ass beating. I apologized to my DD the next day. Now she says (almost 6yr) "remember mom when you beat dad down?!" I try not to laugh and just say honey that wasn't right and change teh subject.
It wasn't right becuse the man/girl she looks like a dude that he had the baby with is his sister's sis-n-law and my DD grew up calling her "Auntie".
Nice.
And now they are expecting again. Pathetic. He can support our DD that was planned but he can have kids galore with her? Yes he can because he mooches off his sisters and she mooches off her parents and his sisters and gets welfare when they are both more than capable of working for their kids. He lives in a room at his sisters house and she bounces around from between her parents and his sisters house. God I would be proud of a man that provided that for me.
My DD had questions galore at 4yr (mom how could Auntie have my sister?) Did he ever explain - NOPE. NOw she is expecting again and they haven't told her.
He went from our DD being his life to her having surgery (ear tubes) last week on his birthday and him not showing up. Because he doesn't have a car. But his sisters allowed him to borrow a car later that day to come have a nice birthday celebration with his other little family.
God what pieces of &%$@!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good luck