OW / OWife gets my life ...
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| Thu, 11-09-2006 - 12:52pm |
haven't posted in a while, it's a been an emotional nightmare, which has ended up in STBX will be primary custodian our twin DSs--we both wanted to avoid an ugly, expensive, bitter $20K custody battle & one DS begs me around the clock to go live with his Dad. been having dire staits behavioral issues with this particular DS and STBX believes he can get a handle on the situation, but he needs him "full time." DS does respond to STBX positively, so the decision, although painful, may prove to be quite ok. but it was clearly stated in custody proposal for DSs to return to my residence any time they wish to do so, STBX agreed to that.
and all the while, i can't help feeling defeated, guilty, awful, lonely, depressed, etc. despite counseling, prayer, an incredible support network, etc., i can't seem to shake these feelings of intense jealousy and wonder how STBX can get everything he ever wants. now, DSs will be with him and his skank GF, which i'm certain will soon be his new wife, with my sons, in a happy family, a family that was mine. all the things he wouldn't do with me or for me, he's now happily doing them with OW, and now, she gets to play a significant role in DSs' lives, which as long as she treats them well, i'm grateful. but it hurts terribly. i know they'll probably build a house together, continue to travel, enjoy romantic weekends, have a baby or babies, quality time together, etc.--all the things i wanted and begged for, but didn't receive due to STBX's selfishness and priority in playing golf, spending time with friends, drinking and traveling with single male friends out of town, just was seldom home. i just feel like there's no justice in my case. what have i done to deserve sooo much pain. i'm having considerable difficulties moving on while STBX has been unbearably cruel to me, writing my maiden name on child support checks, which 2 have bounced!! said i was never a ... just cruel stuff, but despite this, sons LOVE him and one in particularly wants to live with him, and STBX gets to be very happy, moved on, in love, and i just want to be out of his business and out of his life and not care at all, but when will that day ever come. i just want to focus on being the best mom i can be, although, a "weekend Mom" now, apparently, but the best one i can be ...
i'm miserable and need some advice ...

My heart goes out to you. I know how painful this situation feels.
All I can say (advice-wise) is continue to be a good mom in the time you have with your kids, be a good person, and do good works.
I would like to relate to you a little of my experience with my ex-wife to demonstrate that your life will not always be sad and awful.
While married, my ex-wife deprived me of sex for the last six years of marriage. In addition, she was very clear that I was not allowed to touch her or see her in any state of undress. If I did, she accused my of sexual assault. During the last years of the marriage, she would constantly accuse me of cheating on her.
When we split up and divorced, she accused me of sexually abusing her, my step daughters, and my son.
We've been divorced for over 4 years now.
She has been dating this guy on and off for the last two years. I can easily tell when she and her boyfriend are fighting. Becuase when she's fighting with him, she's just peaches and cream friendly towards me. And she gets in car wrecks (of which she has had two in the last 2 months).
I feel relief because I am accutely aware of what her boyfriend is going through. And I feel sorry for the guy.
So the moral here is that you will feel better about your life.
The other part of the moral is that STBX and Mme Skank will eventually get their's in a kharmic sense.
Stay strong and be there for your kids.
Hi write_girlie,
Long time no see! I'm sorry to hear you're in such pain and suffering.
It sounds like your STBX is a major tool! IMO You don't desreve this pain, but I think it may be time to reclaim your life, not what (it looks like to me) your STBX has pronounced it *should* be-- ie, writing your maiden name on checks, etc.
If he was selfish with you, odds are that he'll be just as selfish with skank GF. Leopards don't really change their spots. It's a matter of time until their "honeymoon" phase wears off, and she'll see him for what he truly is like.
You're right-- be the best mom that you can be... I went through a HORRIBLE time with my 10 y/o DS... he was lighting fires, being disrespectful, you name it. But now, 4 months later, he's doing fantastic. Sometimes being the best mom is making tough decisions... you'll get through this, you're doing the right thing.
Please don't be too hard on yourself. You have a great sense of humor (from your earlier posts), and you deserve better than the raw deal you got with your X. Concentrate on YOU, and good things will come your way.
Take care,
Susieyippin
((hugs)) I know it's hard. For awhile, I felt rather the same way - but then I realized that my dream of married life didn't match what ex and nw do. They are doing different things and some of them are not anything I would have chosen to do. I wouldn't choose the lifestyle they have chosen.
Thank goodness that for now my ds wants to be with me and he is with me a majority of the time. I concentrate on being a good mom and being 'there' for my son. My ex loves our son and tries to 'be there' for him, but in my view, he doesn't put our son as his highest priority. That is sad - but also fine with me. Since most people I talk to (who know something about what my ex got into during the marriage) say my ex is likely to repeat the same bad choices, so I don't want my son around him too much.
I am really hoping that I never get involved in a custody battle or have to deal with my son wanting to go live with his Dad. It would be so ugly.
My situation is a fairly difficult one, but I am starting to see that my best bet is to keep my distance from my ex as much as possible and to not envy his life. It is likely going to fall apart for him again - and he has a lot to lose if he gets back into what he was doing a few years ago.
I have been working on letting go of my 'dreams' for married life and my jealousy regarding my ex getting such 'a good deal'. He seems to have everything he wanted, too, but I know that he is not a person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with.
I also know how hard it is to *really* change - and I don't think my ex has. So, the same stuff he did to the gal before me and to me, he'll likely do to the nw.
I guess all this is leading up to: You don't know what it is really like for them. Having the kids over there more of the time will likely change the dynamic of things a lot, too. If you can, don't imagine that everything is *perfect* over there and that they have all the things you want. Think about how your ex behaved when you were married to him and *know* that the new gal will see the same things at some point. Reality will come knocking..... : )
I have one word for you...... TIME.
I remember thinking that my XH and NW were living the life I wanted with my daughters. They were playing 'happy family' but that's all it was.... playing. It was an illusion. The girls never bonded with NW and they never REALLY did family things. He ate alone with the girls and she ate alone with her girls, for the most part. She took care of her girls and he took care of his. It was like they were roommates and nothing more.
They were married in the summer of 2003 and separated in January of 2005. They're STILL separated, now for longer than they lived together.
What goes around comes around. Take care of you!! Be the best Mom you can be always, not only when the boys are with you. Everyone around here seems to have a moment when the Karma Van makes an appearance!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
you all are just the BESTEST!
thank you for your very encouraging words and experiences regarding this matter; i feel sooo much better today & will take this on with your advice: being the best Mom.me i can be & no doubt, that Karma Van will make a much-needed delivery in the STBX, ok, i'm dropping "soon-to-be" ... in the EX department.
hugs to you all for your unwavering support.
Susie, my inspiration, just for you, i'm whipping out the Dominique Devereaux, long faux fur coat, and will do a cheer-me-up dance :)