The pain is setting in.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
The pain is setting in.....
17
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 3:18pm

The ugly battle has begun.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 8:26pm

I don't want to be a downer here but you should prepare yourself for the possibility that you may never have an amicable relationship w/ your ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 12-09-2011 - 10:32am

I agree with Music and would like to add.. Who cares what your ex thinks?? He did not change and wont change and if he was a terrible husband why would he be amicable in a divorce. He is who he is and this wont change married, divorced or whatever.

Please do not give this guy anymore space in your head.. and limit the contact you have with him.. You really should have had no contact with him so that you can heal and start realizing you have an authentic person inside of you that needs to be found again without your ex.. Only thing I do get you have to co-parent your daughter but find ways not to see him or find ways for less contact.. Trust me you will feel better each day you dont have to deal with him.

Please seek out some support groups on sep. and divorced women.. They can help you and validate you on what you are going through..

Know this that you are doing well and be gentle and nurture yourself everyday...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Sat, 12-10-2011 - 3:07pm
Music and Free, Thank you for your responses. It is such a confusing time and I have seesawed back and forth with no conviction. Sometimes I feel justified and other times I feel I over react to my H. He has been verbally abusive over the years yet has been a good husband. How can that be? I know right now he is angry beyond belief at my choices and it has thrown me out of my affair fog. Now it is all too late. And our poor daughter keeps getting in the midst of the tangle. She has lost weight and is having major anxiety. So that throws tremendous guilt on me. I just can't seem to stand on my own two feet. I feel weak and disoriented. How do I keep putting one foot in front of the other? How do I let this go? I know I need to get back to IC and have a support system. I have been a faithful counseling attendee and have done numerous support groups in the past.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2002
Sat, 12-10-2011 - 4:42pm

I am new in this process as well and just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. I really don't have any advice since my pain is also very fresh like your. Try to keep your chin up. I know easier said than done, but if I can do it, you can do it!!

Anne
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 12-10-2011 - 4:47pm

You are experiencing very normal emotions.. Even though you were married and now

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Sat, 12-10-2011 - 7:53pm
Thanks Jen (: Are you just starting divorce?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Sun, 12-11-2011 - 9:32am

I just want to say I feel your pain too, 2 years into it for me. I left an unhealthy marriage as well, and very quickly started dating. I suppose technically I was having a affair because I was still married, but we were seperated. I am still with this man now, and still not divorced, so technically I am still cheating...I put it that way because that's what my ex wants everyone to think. Wherever I go I am looked down on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Mon, 12-12-2011 - 11:26am

DeenieBeenie and Freeat last,

You have both been incredibly helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 12-12-2011 - 11:51am

So now you have your own place and you go back to ex for your daughter ? Is that right?

Okay.. If you continue to be in the same space and time with ex the habits that you two and the dynamics that are set up are that he is the abuser and you are the victim. I am sorry but if you dont change up the dynamics and become a survivor instead of a victim you will not HEAL.. You need to take time and focus and energy and work to heal from the abuse. Unless you do this your ex will continue to berate you and call you bad names..and it will be the cycle as you know over and over and over.

You should contact your domestic violence agency and see if they can help you deal with this .See if there are any programs for you and your type of situation. Support groups or someone you can speak with..

My story is very strange because I had been out of my marital home for almost two years.. I healed and moved on but my ex decided to sue me for divorce .. My lawyer advised me to go back into the home and fight ex in divorce as he wanted me to leave with nothing. So I returned back to the home where me and ex lived to fight him in divorce. Only this time I had nothing to do with him. I lived my life and he lived his.. I had limited contact with him and didnt engage in anything he did or told him anything about my life. They key is NOT engaging in any way shape or form. This is hard to do and it takes practice and truly a from of art.. when your stbx berates you walk away, walk out of the area he is in.. walk walk walk away and do not engage.. do not engage .. Put on headphones if you have to and listen to music.. Try everyday to move forward into your own life.. Get a friend, go to the movies. talk to someone, journal, call the hotline.. Keep moving forward to non victim status.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Mon, 12-12-2011 - 1:20pm

You are so correct!

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