Parenting vent...feeling very upset

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Parenting vent...feeling very upset
14
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:42pm
OK, I need to vent, and I hope someone can understand me and not think I'm an
evil parent!

My son...I love him, I really do. BUT...he goes from being a decent, fairly well-behaved child some days to being VERY contrary, argumentative, angry,
This has been his personality basically since he was a toddler! Sometimes, I just don't know what to do. I'm feeling particularly embarrassed today because
DS went to a birthday party this weekend (a sleepover campout) and the mom e-mailed me and told me how he overreacted after a girl hit him while they were play fighting. Apparently, his mood and anger went on for a couple of hours, and was really over-the-top. It has honestly gotten to the point that I frequently feel embarrassed to take him places because I never know what version of him I am going to get - the decent, well-behaved one or the frustrated, angry, argumentative contrary one. It honestly makes me feel like a bad mother to even write this, but I just need to get it out and get some feedback.

I have had my son in counseling for about a year, and he and his counselor
everything to try and discipline him - take away privileges, let him deal with the consequences of his actions, catch him being "good," etc. Unfortunately, his father and I don't discipline the same way....he is MUCH more lax than I am, and absolutely will not change that (his dad and I have been through this in counseling, too). I have noticed DS gets particularly bad when he has to do something he doesn't want

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:04pm

*big hugs*

I think it's magnified because of the age! Rosie (also 11 1/2) is very much the same, in fact, yesterday, I told her that she's a "glass half empty" kind of girl. Everything with her is doom and gloom and blown out of proportion, but never in a good way. I don't think it's the divorce, per se, because she was always right on that edge, but the divorce has certainly made it worse. When she's in down time from her counselor and she gets like that, I tell her that she needs to see A again!!

I'm not sure if explaining that kids won't want to be friends with him if he acts like that will work. For example.... there's a mean, hateful girl in Rosie's class. (and yes, I've witnessed her.... she's mean and hateful) and yet the other girls are friends with her. I'm HOPING that it's friendship based on fear.

Unfortunately, your best bet would be consistency but there's no way that's going to happen with your XH..... much like most of us.

You're NOT alone. Sometimes I have to remind myself that this child can be sweet and wonderful and that I love her to pieces, but I don't LIKE her every moment in every day! And I think that's normal.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:30pm

I am right there with you. My daughter is 12 1/2 and the mood swings, rages, and the doom and gloom are unbelievable. When something happens to her, she cannot let it go. Even if it is some minor comment another kid makes or something like that. She usually manages to hold it all together at school but then we have these issues at home with family.

I sometimes feel like I don't recognize her when she is in one of these states. The rest of the time she is loving and affectionate.

I often feel frustrated and completely out of ideas with the situation. I don't know if it is the tween age, other stress or the divorce. In my case I have an added concern, my xh is bipolar and that is a condition that can have a genetic predisposition. It has been tough for me to determine if her behaviors are "tween behaviors", divorce acting out, or something worse.

One idea I have found is that regular(daily), endurance building, hard physical exercise does have a huge positive benefit on her behavior. My daughter got involved with competitive swimming. She swims for 1 1/2 hours daily and it is an amazing transformation. This moody angry child slams my car door and stomps into swim practice and comes out smiling and happy and talking about her day - go figure. - something to do with endorphins in the brain. Maybe more excercise would help your ds? just an idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:47pm

My son just turned 12 and he can be exactly as you described. Totally over the top. I have recently started trying to make him see how he appears to others. As hurtful as it he has to understand the he can not behave as he sees fit when he sees fit. He 75% of the time is a great easygoing kid. Then the puberty monster strikes and the alien in front of me could make my head swivel. I think basically I have started the "personal responsibility" thing with him. For example, I actually just last week made him write me a paragragh in his own words what he thinks would be acceptable behavior in 5 separate circumstances. It was interesting to note that all the paragraphs were exactly what he should be doing not what he was doing. For example "When your brother wants to watch a program when you want to". Then I wrote what you actually did "threw the remote at him, slammed the door and screamed at him" I am happy to report he made a schedule of tv times and actually worked it with his brother for favorite programming and it is now tapped to the wall be side the tv in their room. All without my help. No suggestions nothing. There is hope!

Will it work? Don't really know. It lasts for a little while and we have had tv success for 7 days. I am willing to take anything. Puberty is terrible for girls but boys are a bit worse I would say. My daughter is 14 and you can see from seeping from every pore in her body she needs to go to her room and shut the door and STAY there. Boys tend to keep it all in and explode.

I hope it gets better for you soon. Good news is it will sometime around 16!

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:08pm

Parenting IS the hardest job there is .... (((Hugs)))


I have never parented an 11 yr old. But i have worked with emotionally distrubed &/or behaviorally disordered children & i CAN tell you a few things that may or may not help:


1. even if his Dad isnt consistent, the BEST thing you can do is continue to uphold your expectations, make them clear, make the consequences clear AND follow through.


2. 11 1/2 yrs old is a tough age. They still want to be a kid, yet "grown-up-dom" is right around the corner. People say girls are moody ... well, BOYS ARE TOO.


3. Keep him in counseling. It cant hurt.


4. Give youreself a break. I have said MANY a time to my dd "I will always love you, but there are times I do not LIKE YOUR BEHAVIOR."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:27pm

Well, it's a tough age!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:43pm
Thank you, ladies....one and all. I really needed support tonight and found it here. It helped me to realize that some of it is just the age, and not 100% my poor parenting skills ;)




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:59pm

No way is it your/our parenting!

Sometimes I look at both the girls and hear Rosanne Barr's voice in my head from an episode of her show saying "Now I know why some animals eat their young!"

It's short-lived, but still there.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:21am

Dont feel bad please, raising children is very hard. This I learned after having my son. Then especially now that Im basically doing it solo. There are always challenges. My son is 3 1/2 and I see a temper already. Not sure if it has to do with his neurological disorder but in any case there are times when it feels overwhelming. You mentioned him being in counseling. Is it because of the divorce?

You are doing the right thing, just continue to be patient, loving, understanding and just be there for him. He has to have boundaries, has to be taught right from wrong and understand he cant always have his way. It is a struggle to raise kids and it becomes even harder if both parents cant, dont or wont back each other up when it comes to disciplining.

Do you think he benefits at all from the counseling, if not maybe try a different one. Hang in there, things will get better. I will keep you in my prayers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 7:58pm

Hey Christine,


I was lurking and saw this. I wanted to say a few things...having grown up being like that and living with a brother like that.


It's scary!!!!


But seriously, I would talk to the counselor. If you feel s/he is doing a good job, keep him in there and working on these moods. Honestly, I do believe it's more hormonal than anything. I'm thinking back to when I was in the 5/6th grade, and my brother was older. I remember how moody I already was, and how yeah, it was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. My brother was worse, I think, as someone pointed out, because they keep it in.


One thing that has me worried, is the fact that he was angry for hours, and angry at a party. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 9:50am

Thanks SO much for stopping by! ;) I met with DS counselor solo this week, and I've already seen A LOT of improvement. Instead fo always punishing and taking things away (which will still happen if the behavior is bad enough), we moved on to a reward system for good behavior. DS and I both designed the reward structure (just small things!) and he seems very happy about it.


And you are right, I am sure part of it is hormonal! And as you said, I think continued counseling and support will help. I think we're on the right track!




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