Parenting vent...feeling very upset

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Parenting vent...feeling very upset
14
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:42pm
OK, I need to vent, and I hope someone can understand me and not think I'm an
evil parent!

My son...I love him, I really do. BUT...he goes from being a decent, fairly well-behaved child some days to being VERY contrary, argumentative, angry,
This has been his personality basically since he was a toddler! Sometimes, I just don't know what to do. I'm feeling particularly embarrassed today because
DS went to a birthday party this weekend (a sleepover campout) and the mom e-mailed me and told me how he overreacted after a girl hit him while they were play fighting. Apparently, his mood and anger went on for a couple of hours, and was really over-the-top. It has honestly gotten to the point that I frequently feel embarrassed to take him places because I never know what version of him I am going to get - the decent, well-behaved one or the frustrated, angry, argumentative contrary one. It honestly makes me feel like a bad mother to even write this, but I just need to get it out and get some feedback.

I have had my son in counseling for about a year, and he and his counselor
everything to try and discipline him - take away privileges, let him deal with the consequences of his actions, catch him being "good," etc. Unfortunately, his father and I don't discipline the same way....he is MUCH more lax than I am, and absolutely will not change that (his dad and I have been through this in counseling, too). I have noticed DS gets particularly bad when he has to do something he doesn't want

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Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 10:06am

Christine, I read the original post days ago and I didn't post back because I know exactly how you feel and felt I had no help for you. I just got a chance to read the responses and I see that we're ALL in the same boat! My 11 yo DD can be so awful sometimes. Just last we had a huge arguement and she was so beligerent and terrible to me I felt rotten. Although in typical preteen style, she's been perfect since. Know that we're all there with you and while our parenting does effect our children, sometimes there's nothing we can do about the temperment they're born with or the age and stage they're maneuvering through.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 11:25am

hi - i wanted to give you a little more insight. basically, as th eothers said, this is probably MOSTLY about age/hormones and less about parenting. (oh - and btw - its a REALLY bad habit to keep harping on about your 'poor parenting skills' even tho you are doing this tongue-in-cheek)

however ---- there are two (connected) issues that i wanted to point out:

first of all - when a behavior is EXTREME (like the anger and over reacting going on for hours) and it takes place outside the home, then you might want to speak to a therapist about this. the thing is, that usually when kids 'act out' they do so at home, and they are angels (or something that resembles angels lol) outside. but when your kid is this way at other homes (and maybe in school?) then i would say that you need help. please don't misunderstand me - i don't think there is anything "wrong" with your child - i just think he may be crying for help.

the second issue is that you say that you are embarrassed by his behavior, and that you never know who he will be. while i don't think he can ALWAYS control his behavior, i do think that he knows what he is doing - to some extent - and he is basically trying to gain some kind of control in his life. maybe this allows him to control what 'social' activities he will do or not do, maybe he is embarrassing you on purpose - i don't know. again - i think some professional help will be good here - it will help you both.

don't forget that he's been thru a lot - divorce and now mommy has a new bf. these things are not easy for kids - and with teenhood thrown into the equasion it just makes things more dramatic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 9:12pm

My almost 13-year-old son could and still can be like that sometimes. He seems to be a target for teasing by his siblings and some friends. He's getting better now that he's older and maturing more. His teachers and school counselor said it was more of a maturity issue than anything else.

My daughter who is almost 9 has a real problem with showing off, being hyper and attention seeking. This stems largly from the divorce because during that whole process I was so worn down by everything that I was easier to manipulate than I am now. Of course the damage is done now and it's a long road back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 5:30pm
Now that sounds like the right path... focus on and set goals for good behavior, and only acknowledge the bad or negative behavior when it crosses the line too far.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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