Pass.-Aggr. Comments from STBX

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Registered: 05-07-2003
Pass.-Aggr. Comments from STBX
4
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 5:18pm

A couple of months ago, I asked STBX if he could please remove an old, decrepit entertainment center that his brother gave us, as well as 2 TVs and a computer monitor that no longer work. There was also some old paint that needed to be dropped off at the recycling center. He said that he'd do it. He finally got around to it on Monday, while I was at my chiro appointment. I didn't notice it until last night, so today I called him to thank him.

:Insert eye roll here: Well, STBX says to me, "I just hope I don't get stabbed in the back for it... It's costing my a bunch of money to get rid if them..." I did not respond. Come to think of it, I should have said, "Why would the highway department guys (where the TV drop-off is) stab you in the back?" It costs $15.00 per TV or monitor to get rid of them... I've spent almost 6K on the home improvement expenses. The LEAST STBX can do is get rid of the TVs... after all HE broke one of them... it was in our room, and the changer switch was on the blink. STBX's *idea* of solving that problem was to pick up the TV whenever it would switch channels, and drop it onto the dresser from about 8 inches above... REPEATEDLY.No WONDER it didn't work. When it kept getting worse, he'd SCREAM at the TV-- as if THAT would help... Anyway, I told him, "thank you for hauling that stuff away-- I do appreciate it."

So, a few hours later we're at DS's counsler's for our parenting session. He's going on and on and on about all the risks of having DS on the Adderall... how he's going to have heart problems, high blood pressure, waste away from not eating... the counselor asked me if DS has gained any weight... I said, "Yes, he's gained 14 lbs. in the last year... his BP is checked EVERY month, and it has never been an issue. He's carefully monitored by the dispensing physician." The counselor and I BOTH know (as well as DS's other social workers, GAL, teachers, etc.) that DS is doing terrific on the meds. The only one who has an issue with it is STBX. He claims DS is a "zombie" on the meds. The counselor, Colleen, said that in her experience, if she feels a child is over-medicated, like STBX claims, she can tell, and WOULD tell us if she fel he was on too high of a dose. DS is on 15 mg. per day, which is a very low dose. Colleen is running circles around STBX-- he just keeps contradicting himself left and right and making it up as he goes along-- an answer for EVERYTHING-- first saying DS gets to bed on time-- even though STBX is asleep before DS is-- "How can you know what time DS is asleep if YOU'RE asleep?" STBX: "Well, I woke up right at that time." He says that every time... he just happens to wake up each time, and DS is putting himself to bed. I asked him WHY he said that DS had sleeping problems when were with Colleen,a nd when we were alone, he'd say he didn't and everything is fine. Even Collen asked him if he thought that the other people who'd noticed the ADD behavior were wrong, and STBX said, "I don't have a degree." Ya think? EDIT: Oh, and when Colleen questioned STBX when she learned that STBX lets DS CHOOSE if he takes his meds or not, STBX said, "I didn't want to have a big blowup.." Colleen: "Why do you think there would be a big blowup? DS is the child, and you are the parent, DS needs to make decisions that are age-appropriate for DS. It's up to you to tell him that he needs to take his meds. You wouldn't let a 2 year old choose his or her clothes-- what if they chose to wear a bathing suit in December? Would that be appropriate? If DS says he doesn't want to take his meds-- that should be discussed with DS's doctor." He is UTTERLY clueless.

STBX asked if maybe DS should just try a multi-vitamin. I reminded him that we'd tried the natural route-- and asked him if he recalled giving DS his vitamin during that time-- he did-- that this had been under the care of a naturopathic physician, and that any improvement was negligible. That the MD and the teachers (who filled out the assessment charts) did not see any change in the ADD behavior on just the vitamin, and that when DS was on the Adderall, their assessment charts for DS showed marked improvement.

So... as we're walking out the door after our session is over, STBX makes these super passive-aggressive comments. Collen had said to us, "Good luck at your 4-way conference tomorrow, and at the pre-trial hearing-- I hope it all goes smoothly for the both of you..." STBX says, "Oh, it will, if people aren't belligerent. If people will be good about things... ..." STBX was out the door before me, so I looked at Colleen, and we both exchanged a look of "What was up with THAT?!?"

Personally, I think STBX knows his case has been blown out the door-- he WON'T be getting full custody as he wanted (not EVEN ANYTHING near it!!)... me moving with DS... the GAL report, which said he's a lush... he'll prolly have to pay some sort of child support... his lawyer yelled at him again... the "loans" from his parents cannot be proved (because there WERE no loans)... the fact that I won't take him back... -- and he's taking it out on me in his little passive-aggressive way. I just got a book called "Toxic People", which deals with P-A personalities, and how to deal with toxic people and their behavior.




Edited 8/17/2006 9:31 am ET by susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 6:36pm
Isn't it great to know you can learn to just let the baloney fly past, and not get hit with it? I have a family memeber who blusters in just this way (he's a mentally ill alcoholic). When you are forced to live with someone like this you have to care, and sometimes you can't help but become furious. But when you have some distance, and the comments no longer have any power... it is SUCH a relief!
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 11:59am

I wonder if he's considered "all the risks" if DS isn't medicated?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 1:02pm

Excellent point/s, Karen... I'll speak with my lawyer about it in a bit-- we have a 4-way meeting with STBX and his lawyer at 2 this afternoon.

We did discuss the risks, and STBX his dead set against the meds. His argument is "long-term effects", and personally, I just don't think he's intelligent enough to understand what ADD/ADHD IS, or the risks of having DS unmedicated... alcoholism and drug use/misuse are rampant in his side of the family, and DS is also at risk. Unmedicated kids are more likely to use/abuse alcohol & drugs, and I don't know if STBX can see the correllation between his family's addictions and that it couls be in the future for DS.

Just this morning, DS and I had a "go-round" about his ADD meds. GRRR! DAMN that father of his! DS said "Dad doesn't like me taking it. I'll take it after I finish my video game." Then it was "after I do this, after I do that". STBX allows DS to make these kinds of decisions-- WHEN *DS* takes his meds (IF they get taken at ALL), WHEN *DS* can choose his bedtime, WHEN *DS* can choose to be at home or at STBX's place. It is TOO much for a 10 year old with impulse control issues to decide without adult intervention!! STBX just DOES NOT GET THAT PART. STBX doesn't realize that HE and I have to make the decisions and dictate to DS that what we say goes, not the child ruling the roost. Man, he needs a boot upside his keister.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 1:14pm

Let us know how it goes this afternoon... and good luck!


It's difficult for someone to *see* a different point of view.... when they are wearing the shoes.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~