phycological warefare
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| Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:33pm |
Hello - I just joined, and I'd be grateful for some feedback. I have been married 18 months and been with my husband for 4 years. The first year together (engaged) he was doing a tour in Iraq. He has two daughters from a previous marriage (now 21 & 17). There were many problems with both his daughters while he was gone, it was a very trying time for me. Trying to help, but knowing where my bounderies were at.
Anyway, while we were engaged, we spoke of having a family together, as I was concerned he might be all set, already having two daughters, and A vasectomy. He made me believe that he wanted a family with me and would "stand on his head" to make that happen.
Anyway, we married 7 months after his return from Iraq. It was a difficult transition moving into the house. Both girls have rooms at both mom's & dad's. The girls are master manipulators, and my husband is an easy target as he's felt a lot of guilt over the divorce from their mother. Both girls had no guidelines, rules, resonsibilities, respect and would utimatley end up spending more time at mom's because they had NO BOUNDERIES with her.
I guess I messed it all up, because it bothered me that I had no right to privacy, had things stolen, was physically in fear of both the girls, was called downright terrible names by these girls, and this would only happen when they were being told NO. No, you are not dealing pot out of this house. No, you will not smoke weed anywhere in the house you want. No, we will not hand out piles of cash for no reason.
The 21 year old is living a great life. She finally just started working, and because she not paying rent or has any responsibiltes, she spends her time shopping on line.
My husband did the best he could, I suppose. I believe he is co-dependant and a major conflict avoider. We would battle on issues that I found was non-negiotiable. Like invasion of privacy and respect.
I've had him in couseling basically the whole time we've been married. We'd meet with the couselor both as a couple and individually. He'd never come home and share anything with me about his sessions. So, nothing changes.
The first time he brought up divorce was two months into the marriage and we got into it about the oldest's behavior (I think at that time we had just dragged her out of the local stip club where she was working). Both girls came after me, getting involved our argument. I fled the house and stayed at a hotel for the night. Totally feeling like the outsider.
My husband has never stood up for me to his daughters, his mother, his friends, NO ONE. I have loved him and supported him through 13 months in Iraq, 3 rape trials (yes, 3!) involving both of his girls (one trial was a hung jury, so we had to do it all over again) and two major surgeries.
We had been on vacation in March with his friends, and I was noticing that I was treated pretty crappy by them. Couldn't figure out why.
After we were home, I asked him directly if he had created a situation by misleading his friends that he wasn't happy. He denied. It was an awful vacation ending with getting notified that my car was broken into and being told that it sat like that for the last five days in New England inclement weather. While I was on the phone with the hotel trying to get info while I was out of the country, his best-friends wife approaches me, telling me to hang up the phone, that I was stressing her out, like I always do, and to F*ck off! My husband did nothing. And acted like it was my fault.
3 weeks ago yesterday, I came home to an empty house, but with a car load of kids sitting out front. I knew them to be friends of the kids, so I asked what they were doing and they told me that they were waiting for 21 y.o. stepdaughter. I let them in. She comes in 10 minutes later, and proceeds to go into her room, break out an ounce of weed, with the scale and all, and I flipped. I told her to leave the house and that I was not accepting that from her. She in turn started verbally abusing me telling me that I was a c&nt, and that the whole family thought so, and that it was HER house, not mine. In frustration, I pushed her stereo off the shelf. She called the cops and told them I assaulted her. She had a bleeding lip that she was trying to use as a means for her proof.
I called my husband (who was not home - oh, and by they way, HE IS A PUBLIC OFFICIAL) and told him all that was going on. He begged me not to tell the cops that she had drugs on her, and I honored that. Even as she was trying to have me arrested, before admitting she bit her lip. Cops had her leave the house.
My husband comes in the house, looks in her room, and tells me with venom that we would speak about this in the morning. I'm sure you can imagine how betrayed I felt by him yet again. The cops end up coming back to the house, and I did tell them then what I shoud have told them earlier, and then they ask my husband to leave the house.
That next day, I found an email from my husband to his best friend telling a very disorted verion of what happened, blaming me, saying I was sick and bipolar and manic, and that he was done. He never mentioned the drugs. He set me up.
Three restraining orders later (it held for four days of protection and the judge vacated the order). My husband tells me that I have until May 1 to get out of HIS HOUSE, and that he wanted a divorce.
I was out of the house by the end of that very week. I have talked to him once telling him I was out of his house, and told him to call me when he wants the keys to the house, and talk about where to go from here.
I sent him an email last week telling him that if he wants a divorce, then he needs to file. What's sad is, we both love each other. He just has no alligence to me. He has now created this whole lie with his family and they are treating me like I'm a monster.
It's been two and half weeks since I heard his voice. He will not return a call, or return an email.
I know my husband has issues, and I've stood by him as a loving and loyal wife. Now I'm out on the street (not really, but he doesn't know where I am or what I've done for myself).
What do I do? I do not want to divorce this man. I meant my vows, and I planned on being with him the rest of my life. I am turning 40 years old in a couple of weeks.
Oh yeah - I forgot to mention that he disclosed in an arugument last November, that he had changed his mind about wanting to start another family with me, but he didn't think it was important to tell me about that before we got married.
I'm so hurt, confused, betrayed and alone. And I can't believe I married a man that just shuts down when he can't deal.
Sorry this was so long.

Alone,
I am sorry you are in this situation. However, you have a choice to make. You can stay and keep taking the abuse or you can leave. It's obvious your husband has chosen his family and their friends over you and your marriage. If it isn't obvious enough he isn't capable of making a commitment to you, that should tell you everything.
It is possible to love someone and not be able to live with them. You say he loves you. I find that hard to believe. Someone who loves you doesn't treat you like garbage and keep throwing you "under the bus" in an effort to protect themselves, their kids and their friends. I'm not sure why he married you, except he may have been lonely and still on the rebound from his divorce.
Count your blessings you don't have a child together and get a lawyer. The quicker you end the marriage the sooner you can get on with your life. Stay in counseling for yourself and get strong. You need to heal and set high standards for your marriage partner. Don't settle. You deserve better.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020