pity party | open invitation ...
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 08-10-2008 - 10:43am |
, what a rough summer, oh heck, past 2 years, really. As soon as I feel I'm gett'n momentum, something knocks me back, miles back.
I recently lost my Mother, in which I am beyond numb and still probably in the shock phase. The solace is that my twin DSs were with me during this incredibly heartbreaking experience (they live in another state and were with me for the summer).
Well, my ex attended my Mother's homegoing services and was quite supportive and comforting, despite before she passed, he gave me 100% grief and was completely horrific toward me during our divorce process.
Hmm, I knew *something* had to be up. He came this weekend to pick up the boys, and I invited him into my home, a home in which he probably didn't want to admit he thought I'd never be able to afford or even move on with my life.
Anyhow, we were having a good conversation until he started bringing up all the things in our marriage, and eventually said "you wanted this" ... uh, yeah, like I wanted the ultimate destruction of our family. No, what I wanted was a husband who did not treat me like a commodity or something to show off to get him more business (he's self employed). What I wanted was a man who wasn't going to ruin us financially, who actually enjoyed being home more than 2 hours a week (ex often played golf on weekends, went on trips out of state and country with single friends and without his family). What I wanted was a man who didn't stay out until 4 a.m., drinking and singing in clubs. I could go on, but the crux of what devastated me was the blatant defiance and cruelty when it came to us trying to conceive; we faced infertility for many years, wherein he was distant, said "wasn't his problem" refused to go for treatment (he had low sperm count), and could primarily care less.
NOW, fast forward to today. He's been through a couple of GFs, one that he disrespectfully compared me to saying she was his "soulmate", understood him completely, loved him unconditionally, was smart, independent, etc., and that he couldn't wait to divorce me and have a life with her, including children (it was a knife to the heart)
Well, he proceeded to say how he found out that "it wasn't him" when it came to wanting a baby because he was able to get someone pregnant but they lost the baby. Just that sentence made me want to throw up and cry in front of him. I just wanted to shout how dare you tell me something so devastating to me in my own home. He takes great pleasure in "sticking it to me". I just lost my Mother, my sons are headed back with him, and now that constant thought of him moving on with another woman, having a child, and having this incredible family with my sons, while I am utterly alone and beyond depressed.
He just went on and on, saying for his birthday, he's going on a cruise, undoubtedly with his GF, etc. It was just another knife in my heart. I put 300% in our marriage, and then, he does all these incredible things, the things I wanted him to do, so easily with someone else, including a pregnancy with no effort, no despair, no urging.
It's just so unfair; I am a complete wreck today. I have no idea how I'm going to survive this one.
Please help, any advice ...

First, I've read your posts over the years and think you're an incredibly intelligent, sensitive, fantastic person and mother.
Second...you've been through a serious trauma with the loss of your mother, so you're even more raw and emotional than you normally would be. I lost my mom last September, so I understand it stirs up emotions you never even thought were there.
Your ex sounds very much like mine. I endured years of emotional neglect, dealt with his chronic absences (I hear you about being home two hours per week!). It is very, very hard to get over that "brand" of emotional abuse.
This may sound overly simplistic, but I think you need to chalk this up to a terrible, awful day. Storm around the house, yell, call and vent to people, and just give yourself permission to be a miserable mess. Then remind yourself that tomorrow WILL be a better day. Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow, no matter how small it is.
Hang in there! Stop in tomorrow and let us know how you're doing.
I too have been there, and still continue to find myself there through these divorce proceedings, with STBX. He's cruel and self-righteous...oh, and an alcoholic too...so he's always right and everything is always my fault. I have these down times too...finding it hard to crawl out of the despair and mental abuse he's unleashed on me over the last 10 years. So I guess I just say these things to say, yeah, I understand. And you're not alone.
Give yourself time to grieve your mom (I'm so sorry--I lost my dad 5 years ago and it still stings at times) and take stock in the fact you're a great mom, have recreated a great life for yourself and your boys and you too will find happiness again when the time is right. Hang in there! I'm so sorry you're having a rough patch.
Thank you, Christine! I think YOU are amazing. You continue to provide me and the members of this network phenomenal support, although you've moved on to a happy life with your new husband :) I forget we have so much in common (our exs, uh, are pretty much twins) and we have sons who are 13! And the unfortunate, sad experience of losing our mothers recently :(
I appreciate your and everyone's encouragement. I just have to remember that it's about my ex & HIS ego & inability to accept that I have in fact moved on and have always maintained my independence and success, despite him thinking I would not. So, he attempts to find a way to hurt me somehow. Karma has dealt with him and continues to do so, I can feel it. I mean if he was able to get some woman pregnant, then, why isn't he still with her? OR the woman he grossly compared me to, as he said was his "soulmate" ??
I just couldn't bring myself to throw something so hurtful in his face like that; it's beyond disrespectful and only serves to mitigate the care and love I once had for a person. It may not be there presently, but gosh, it WAS there & to diminish it otherwise is to admit you maybe never cared about me in the first place, which is truly how I feel--my ex never really cared about me or loved me; I was only around as a *prop*, something that he could physically show as a perception that he was fully a family man, just to get more business or to the next level with his company.
I'm endeavoring to stop playing the many, many hurtful tapes in my head, they're awful! But it's soooo challenging. The flip side is he is actually an incredible father & have done such a great job with our sons in his care. It's just the *family* thing that gets me down, knowing that one day, sons will have a *co-mom* and they'll be a family, and I'll be out here struggling as normal, feel'n like an outsider and wondering all the things "she's " doing, I did, too, so what makes her right & me wrong & divorced?? It's the feeling of something utterly stolen from you, you've been robbed
Anyhow, just wanted to say THANK YOU ... you are the bestest ...