Please! Any advice welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Please! Any advice welcome!
10
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 12:46pm

Hi Everyone,

I am relatively new to the board and am in need of some advice from those of you who have been through this. I'm the one who posted earlier about my husband locking the bedroom door and putting all my contents in the basement (I slept in the basement for a month on the roll-away). I have been married to a verbally and emotionally abusive husband for 20 years and am now going through a divorce (which HE filed for in July to scare me hoping I would freak out and beg for him to call it off - which I didn't). I have found an apartment to accommodate myself and my two children and we have been trying to have joint arrangements for the kids. He still has not given me much out of the house and is controlling all of it at this time and will call and demand to know whether or not I took something out of the house, etc.

Well, I have been doing emotionally okay lately until last night. We were talking on the phone about the kids' schedules and then he starts in about our failed marriage and said we don't need to go through with this. We had done marriage counseling for a long time and the marriage started falling apart a long time ago. I just want to get away from him. I deserve to live a peasceful life. On the phone last night, he started saying things like the divorce is happening because I didn't give it another chance, that we're throwing 20 years away, he's having nightmares, it's killing the kids, etc.

I only called to discuss the kids and their schedules. This other stuff has been addressed in our marriage counseling sessions already and as far as I'm concerned is part of the past now. My friend and parents tell me I should have no contact with him other than the kids' schedules and should keep communication limited to email. This other emotional stuff is killing me. It seems like he's still trying to continue his control over me. What do you all recommend I do? Have no contact with him?

PLEASE - I welcome any suggestions, as I am so confused.

Thanks, Bel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 1:37pm

Hugs to you....


Your right, he is trying to control you, and your letting him. I know you lived with that for 20 years and it has got to be TOUGH to get out of but you have to start with you.... You have to know that you don't deserve to be treated like that.... you have to know that it isn't YOUR fault. You have to work on you. Change your way of thinking and when he says stuff like that just warn him once and then hang up once he starts again. That's all there is to it. Email is a great way to communicate it gives you things in writing and allows you to edit what you are saying back before it just "slips out" ( like it has when I was talking to my ex so many times before ;) )


Hugs to you, you can do this :)


We are here for you :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 5:02pm

Hi Bel,

I'm so sorry you're confused and worried and hurting right now. But I promise it WILL GET BETTER! How do I know? Unfortunately, I have walked the same road you're on now. I, too divorced an abusive controlling husband. I, too, have been locked out of the bedroom, car and house. Bank account balances have been moved, credit cards cancelled, insurance cancelled, etc. He threw out my wedding dress and photos; he sold most of our furniture. Life is much, much better for me today.

You are very smart to stick to email as the primary method of communication. Definitely from now on, the only things he needs to speak to you about are the children and schedules. I had to tell my ex that if he was going to yell at or insult me on the phone, I would hang up on him. It took 5 times, but he finally got the message.

I expect he will always loathe me, but I am free. He never did own me. Your ex never did own you.

I know you're frustrated that he's keeping your stuff from you, but you will get it when your property is settled. Do you have an attorney? If so, ask your attorney to draft a letter asking his attorney to turn over enough stuff to set up housekeeping in your new apt. You may be within your legal rights to just go get what you need of the community property--ask an attorney first though. But remember, "stuff" is just that..."stuff". It's replaceable.

You definitely do deserve a peaceful life and that will take strictly limiting your contact with him. You can do it.

Enjoy your freedom and your newly found ability to MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES!!!

Freedom is wonderful!!!

Cupcake




Edited 9/14/2005 5:05 pm ET ET by momsacupcake
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 5:54pm
I think you know the answer - no contact, other than what is necessary for the children. It is control, and you have finally had enough of it. You have now made up your mind, gotten strong and said enough - hold on to that. Keep going. What matters now is what you want and what you need.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 9:51pm

Honey, you are living my life. Except *I* filed for D from him. He was a horribly emotionally & verbally abusive person, & he was an alcoholic as well. Although i knew he wasnt "always

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 1:53pm

Thanks for all the responses. I can definitely see that I'm not alone. Yes, I have hired an attorney and realize that in time I'll get some of the furniture that I really need. He may have locked me out of the bedroom, moved a large chucnk of money into a different account (which my attorney knows about), cancelled our credit card, taken control of the checks/checking account, etc., but he will not be able to take my spirit away.

I still feel like I have a long way to go, but I guess all we can do is take it one day at a time. I have been wanting out for a long time and am finally facing this and knew it wouldn't be easy. I just hope that that by next summer I will feel so much better emotionally than I do now.

Bel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 4:29pm

Hi Bel

You need to get away from him. Trust me on this, trust your friends, and your parents. You deserve to live a happy and peaceful life. He is not going to change. remember that ok? He IS NOT going to change. I was in abusive relationships for over 10 years from the time I was 16 until this year, mine being mostly verbal and emotional abuse but there was also some sexual and physical abuse as well. I was just used to it and I was always unhappy but I was willing to deal with it. Finally I got out and realized that life is better!! I have now met another man who is wonderful and there is no abuse of any kind in this relationship. Who knew it could be this great? I can't tell you how it feels to be truly happy now. You have made the hardest step already so pat yourself on the back. You have moved out, got your own place. So yes, try to limit contact with him, cause he is still trying to control you. You are so much better off without him. Good luck, stay strong and email me if you ever need to talk.

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 5:22pm

Jess,

Thanks for the very encouraging words. I think I just got used to it too and accepted that he was an A-Hole, but I can no longer live this way anymore. Right now I'm dealing with being financially strapped, but I'm sure in time that will get better too when he has to start helping out with child support. That was also another reason I stayed in the marriage so long - financial security. I'm sure it's this way for a lot of people and it stinks when you feel stuck just because of money.

Bel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 5:35pm

Big Hugs.


You are right to limit your contact with him. If he starts in on other relationship stuff, just interrupt him by saying, very calmly, I called to discuss the kids schedules. Let's stick to the task at hand. The past has been addressed and we need to move forward for our kids sake. If he continues talking about this and that being your fault. Warn him once that you're hanging up, and if he doesn't stop, do it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 10:45am

Yes Zinna05,

The financial thing is what keeps many in bad relationships. It is not the most important, and stuff is just 'stuff' - but where children are concerned, its so hard. Especially if you have no family to help. If it was just me, I would have been stronger and left sooner but I kept thinking (his words echoiing through my mind of course) *how will I take care of us? etc. Look into your heart and gather up your courage hon; do what you know is right for you; don't do any extra 'harm' to him - be true to yourself and your little angels...you can do this. If there is anything to be left of your relationship with him; find out from a point of strength later after you can stand on your own. *Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 10:54am
Thanks (and yes I do have strong family support - my parents, brother and sister are right there for me).