Please help! I don't know what to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Please help! I don't know what to do!
3
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 11:53am

This is the first time that I have ever posted to this board, but I don't know where else to turn. I'm 35, married for 13 years with 3 children (10,8,4). The past several years have been pretty bad. Basically, we just don't get along. There isn't much arguing, we just stop speaking for a few days, then start for a few, then stop. It is a constant cycle. My husband blames me for "making" him have a vasectomy 3 years ago (I get reminded at least weekly). He says that our marriage would be fine if I would do everything that he needs sexually so that he feels like a man. He brings up other wives and what they do. I'm not against everything, we've done toys, videos, fantasies, etc. But it is never enough to make him happy.

I guess I have stopped wanting to try. I've been to counseling alone ( he refused to go). The last thing that I want to do is make things difficult for my children and I am willling to negotiate so that the kids see him about as much as me. I can't just leave. I make the house payment and cannot afford another place and he cannot afford the house payment alone. Also, the house is set up so that I cannot manage it physically alone (we have a large wood heater that heats the entire house. Wood must be split regularly.) I'm sure that if I suggest a divorce that he would blame me for losing the house and ruining the family.

I just don't know how much longer I can stay. I cannot completely enjoy things with my kids because I am so unhappy and I think that my 10 year old senses this. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I don't know if I really expect answers or if I just need to talk. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 1:50pm

gentryts,

Pianoguy's suggestion:

If you have an alternative living source (friend, family member, co-worker) who can provide accomodations for you and your children for up to 30 days...choose that option NOW!

During the course of the 30 days, you can either begin the divorce filing process...or you can wait things out to see if your husband wants to JOIN YOU IN COUNSELLING. DO NOT ACCEPT any verbal excuses that "things will be better after we're back together again!" Insist that the counselling begin while the 2 of you are temporarily

That approach has been tried...and it has FAILED!

If your husband is HONESTLY SERIOUS about keeping his marriage and family together, it's time for HIM to do some serious bending!

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 3:14pm

HUGS! I completely understand what it's like to be financially and circumstantially trapped in an unhappy marriage. I was in the same situation - neither of us could afford the house on our own. But after many years of being miserable, I had to leave. It did mean that we had to sell the house, and yes, my ex blamed me for losing the house, breaking up the family, etc. Your H may do the same to you.


Ask yourself this - can you continue to live like this? Are you going to be OK with it? Do you think your children will benefit from seeing their mother so unhappy?


Also, you mentioned your H thinks you don't do enough for him sexually. I heard the same song and dance from my ex, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 9:45am

Thanks for the response. He told me last night that he would never walk out on his kids, so I just need to learn to deal with things. He is actually a nice guy, especially to other people. I just have the wonderful opportunity to listen to all of his sarcastic comments all of the time. I have started gathering paperwork that I need just in case I have to go see a lawyer.

I wish that I understood something. I will drink a mixed drink on several occassions with him because he likes the effect. However, he states that unlike other men, he has a "nerdy" wife because I won't drink a beer. I do not like the way it tastes!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will drink several other things, so what is the big deal?????????? He actually mentions this on several occassions. I think he's an idiot!

Sorry, just had to vent.