Please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2011
Please help me!
16
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 9:35pm

I'm new to this forum and really look forward to talking with you all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 11:52pm
Sorry about your situation. I've read that having both parents sit the kids down and explain that you will no longer be living together and will not be married but that you both love them and they have nothing to do with the split. They both my benefit from indiviuak counseling as well so they have someone to speak with. Is it possible to move back to kansas and be near your family? I'm sure its distruptive to the schooling but they are also still young. Since your STBX also travels extensively, he can just travel to Kansas for his visits especially since he can't visit without supervision. Trying to get a settlement without lawyers is much cheaper and I think if you explain to the STBX that he could potentially ruin his career by going to court so deciding on your own is best. Your lawyer should be able to assist you with what you should ask for financially and custody.

As for you, don't forget to take care of yourself. Betrayal is a rollercoaster and takes time to even start feeling normal again. Do what's best for you and the kids. Your STBX sounds like he has a serious problem that needs professional help. I hope things work out with you and the kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 10:21am

wow; That is an incredible thing that you had to endure.. Its shocking but atleast now you can get out of it.

All you can do now is focus on yourself and your kids. Go to counseling; support groups; and do all you can to heal and get to a good place in life.. If you dont you might attract this similar kind again.

There is alot of help out there for you. Find it and then go and get the support. They must have addiction support groups and also support groups for your kids.

When I was divorcing my abusive sociopathic ex husband I also found out things that were somewhat bizarre. Not as bizzarre as your story but still. Mine logged onto dating sites and starting sleeping with women as soon as I walked out the door.

It makes me wonder do we really know anyone?

Okay; So back to you??

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 11:17am

Hi Holly,

My heart goes out to you in this situation. I can't imagine dealing with your shock and dismay at this betrayal of your trust, loyalty, and family. You are wise to seek legal advice.

My two cents:

1)Get a copy of your credit report from

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 8:21pm

ask your attorney to find a financial analyst that specializes in divorce, they have extensive training and the resources to locate all income with in a marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2011
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 11:24pm

Thank you all so much for your words of support and encouragement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 12:44am

Hi;

wow; I feel that you are one strong woman and will get through this. You are amazing and you most likely will do well in all that you decide to do.

You will be so much better off without your ex . Lets hope he passes those tests and he can be a dad to his kids.

It is going to hurt big time but you seem smart and articulate and well educated. I have no doubt you will get through this although it will hurt and it will take time. Just take it one day at a time and take care of you..

Godspeed

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 12:26pm
You can tell the girls that daddy has some things he needs to take care of so he can become a better daddy and therefore, his interaction may be limited during this time but he still loves them very much. I think its such a difficult path to take in trying to protect the kids and covering for your STBX's lack of parenting. I believe at some point, you don't need to cover for him and they need to see him for who he is (not the X rated stuff but an absent father). As long as you are stable and supportive, your kids should be fine. Your STBX may be distant due to his shame but only he really knows why he isn't in contact.

Financially just make sure you know what's important to you and what you do and do not want to fully fight for. Don't forget the lawyer is getting paid for everything he/she does for you and it does add up quickly. You don't want to spend more $$ fighting and getting less in return.

I agree on the less people who know, the better. The emotions are so raw right now and with your kids, you don't need rumors spreading around. I still work with people who don't even know I'm divorced (my X and I worked together and he had a "girlfriend" who was another coworker and walked out on me, my 2.5yr old and 7 mth old). I just don't find it necessary to discuss my personal life. If people find out through the grapevine, fine.

Best of luck with moving forward!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2011
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 10:10pm

Yes!

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 06-30-2011 - 10:35am

Holly,

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. By all means, you do what makes the most practical sense for yourself and your children, including staying anchored in your Florida community. I'm glad you have a good attorney, counselors, and a teacher who is able to work with your daughter.

I just wanted to say: You will survive this. Yup. As impossible as that seems right now, it is true.

Keep your faith in God. Stay practical and it sounds like you can lean on your parents.

Eventually it is your husband who will have to face the reality of his addiction. He may never be whole or he may have to make a bumpy trip to the bottom before he realizes he has a problem. Either way, you are doing the smart thing even though it's hard.

Take care and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Thu, 06-30-2011 - 3:39pm

Hi there, I am also going through a divorce at the moment, and even though my STBX seems to be going off the rails in an alcohol and depression, my story is nothing compared to some of the stuff I've just read here.

My mother gave me a book called "WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?: RAISING YOUR CHILDREN BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER DIVORCE" by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, it has a lot of helpful information about how to handle things, I am reading it at the moment and it is helping me make decisions as I try to figure out how to best help my children. You can find it on Amazon. I am also seeing a family therapist next week with the sole purpose of getting professional advice on how to best help and support my girls.

You sound like an amazing mother, and your strength will help you help your children along in their adjustment.

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