Please help me with letting go

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2005
Please help me with letting go
11
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 5:19pm

Hello Ladies.

My name is Phil and I have been served papers from my wife of 7 years and Domestic partner of 12. We have a 10 Year old boy who is wonderfull. She has moved out as of September 1st and she seems to love her new life. She has this really strong desire to not need help from anyone. I think it upsets her to have to rely on people(me specifically for physical strength or monetarily)

I am still very much in love with my wife and she has moved on. I have started psych meds because for the first time in 32 years I cried for 3 days striaght. due to the fact that I miss my partner so much. I have also found taht she has started a sexual relationship with this "Nice guy" who treates her well (am I supposed to be happy for her?).

A little about our past relationship:
I spent alot of time out of the home because when I was home she would nag and I would in return want to leave(Visciuos cycle). I was not emotionally there for her and I regret that now that that I have found my new emotions that I had bottled up.

She has already started a serious relationship with a guy that I was suspect about 8 years ago when she was the Maid of honor to him being the Best man. He was a little too close for comfirt you know what I mean?

She has asked me to let her go so she can be with him. I am so hurt. How do I let go to my soulmate?

-Phil

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 10:05pm
Phil, I am going through the same thing right now. I don't know how I will ever let him go. I miss him so much. I tell you what I am doing right now is taking it one day at a time and when I need to sit and grieve I do. I am about 7 months out from him leaving me and about 2 months out from our divorce being finaled. I will tell you it is getting easier and I never thought it would. I don't have anyone else in my life and I can't imagine at this point ever having one, but one day I hope to. There is such a gapeing whole in my heart it is going to take time to heal, but I hope to marry again someday. I pray everyday that the path I am going down is predetermined by God and he has a better plan for me. I know that he does for you to. We just have to learn patience. Stick around there are lots of helpful people here. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 7:55am

Thanks Brenda,

I still hurt so much that I have not slept well in the last 6 days. I have started some anti-depressents and sleeping pills to help me with the obsessive thoughts about she and he holding hands, laughing, her crying on his shoulder and him smiling as he leans over her to have sex.

I remember our fist kiss like it happened last week. It was a truly incredible kiss we were parked at a beach parking lot overlooking the water and I was in the drivers seat in my 1984 Honda Accord. We had talked about kissing and how I might be allowed to kiss her that evening if I could get the light to turn green. So I pulled a little bit forward to cross the sensor and viola the light turned green. We arrived at the beach parking lot shortly after the green light and I was a nervous wreck. Was I really going to get that first kiss tonight? How lucky am I? Well we leaned in together and sparks flew I was so happy with my new girlfirend I thought I was truly in love with her. Looking back I relized I was really in love.

Shortly there after we moved in together and started being exclusive b/f g/f. We then started a family. I was 20 she was 19 and this was my first serious relationship, she had a long term relationship with a highschool sweetheart for 4+years. We were very progressive so we both wanted to have kids but didn't feel like we needed to be married to have them (I guess I was more scared of marriage than having a child). Incidentaly the no marriage thing didn't last she gave me an ultimatum after 5 years "We are getting married or I am leaving" We were wed a few months later. I was actually happy about being married it wasn't as bad as I thought.

That's all for now....... To be continued

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 12:25pm

oh phil... hugs to you... and brenda... i could have written your post... i too am new to this... it's only been 8 months since our initial separation and 3 months since the divorce was finalized... it was his decision and i was pretty much dropped from his life in a very short period of time... (rumor has it he had/has someone else)... and what i am about to say is not meant to be harsh in any way... because i know how this feels... but cut off communication unless it is concerning your child... don't tell her how you are feeling, don't try to fix anything... it will only prolong your emotional stress... and will push the other person away... believe me... i tried HARD to get my ex, whom i was with for 17 years (10+ married), to see things from my point of view... but he only was thinking about himself, his new found freedom, his not being "in love" with me anymore... he changed who he really is/was.... i have not talked to or seen him in 3 months (we have no children).... don't get me wrong... i do still grieve over the life we had every single day because out of 17 years we had more good then bad times... i truly feel that we are meant to be together... but it's not going to happen...and i have to let go, accept it... and try my best to take care of myself and move on eventually... and i too hope that God has some plan for me because i am so lost right now... trust me though... it does get better with time... hold on to the knowledge that you love her... and that she can't be with you right now.... and take care of YOU... your emotional health is only something you can heal... and talk to a therapist... they really do help...

hugs... keep us posted....

Ali

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart... you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold. " Frodo Baggins - LOTR Return of the King

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 9:46pm
Hey Phil, That's a wonderful story. Thanks for sharing. I met my ex at college. He was the most handsome man I had ever seen. ( Still is. :( ) He ask to take me home from a function and I told him no. We laughed about that for years. Later I went looking for him to ask him to a dance. When I found him his face had been all bruised up from dorm football game. I didn't hardly recoginize him, but he was still beautiful. I think I fell in love with him then even though it was only the second time I had seen him. I never dated anyone else in college. He was the one. Well, that's enough of that. I am starting to get weepy. Goodnight. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 9:49pm
Hey Ali, Thanks for the advice. I know it was intended for Phil, but i need it too.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 7:42am

It truly is amazing how we can help each other... even through a message board such as this... to gain perspective on our situations, to grieve freely, to say how we feel.... without judgement. It's a long hard road recovering from a break-up or divorce... esspecially if you are not the one that wanted out... Our situations can happen to anyone... When my Ex and i did the required premarital counseling with our minister he asked us... "are you the only ones for each other"... of course we answered yes... his response: "no you are not... there are other people in this world that you are compatible with... it's a matter of choosing to be with each other only and working on it every day." After 10 years of marriage we lost sight of that... so many other things got in the way... and as hard as it is... i've learned a lot about my true nature... who i am... i lost ME along the way... and i'm finding my way back to the person i have always been... i'm trying to learn from the mistakes of my failed marriage... i'm holding on to the hope that i will be ok and that in the end i too believe that everything happens for a reason... and maybe that reason was so that i can be ME again...fix ME... maybe my ex and i started out to young... we were 17 when we met... stayed together throughout college... got married after we graduated... spent half our lives together.. he was all i knew... but we worked on our careers more then we did our relationship at times... while it's important will anyone really remember what you did for work when you die?? is your gravestone going to say... "Put in LONG hours at work to get ahead" i doubt it...

you'll notice that i tend to ramble... (i was voted most talkative in high school!! LOL) i'm off my soapbox now...

hang in there...

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 4:38pm

Being rejected by someone you love is unbelievably painful. Most everything else pales in comparison. The best thing you can do right now is focus on yourself and your son. Take the opportunity to go to counseling, spend time with supportive people, and find joy in the precious little moments. You must forget about this new relationship she has and channel your engergies into making positive changes for yourself. I realize that is easier said than done.

It is VERY difficult to let go of someone that has been such a huge part of your life for so long. Even if she doesn't show it, I am sure she is hurting, too. However, you can't force someone back into your life. The process of letting go takes time. You don't make adjustments overnight. One morning, in the not-too-distant future, you'll wake up and realize you feel pretty good. You'll even be able to look back on your marriage objectively, seeing the positive and negative aspects of it. And you will be able to use those to better yourself and your future relationships.

Take is slow, and give yourself time to heal. There is no set schedule for feeling "better." Be kind to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 10:46am

It is so true that the rejection is unbelievably painful. The real problem is she truly is my soulmate. I have always been willing and always be willing to do ANYTHING she wants of me. She never wanted me to do anything for her because she for some reason always wanted to be self sufficiant and independant, I feel that when she started feeling like she was relying on me for too much she drew away. I was talking with her the other day and I said that there are two of her- 1: Hard shell on the outside taht has a hard time trusting people and 2: The soft, wonderfull, loving, mother/wife, friend, humanitarian that has been put on this earth to help the greater good of mankind(This incedentaly is who I fell in love with and I will always be in love with-she can't walk by a homelss person without giving them all of her change). She tehn told me with her new boyfriend that there is no hard shell and that was a really hard blow to me to think that I caused the hard shell to appear I am forever regretfull.

I have been having a hard time focusing on my son lately. He looks alot like her and I breakdown when I see him.

I was told by my wife to focus on him up at bat like she does. I do try but, when I do I see her on the other side of the fence behind the backstop yelling him words of encouragement and I start to cry because I have and always will cherish those moments. These thoughts of my son always remind me of my wife because without her there would be no him(I am again crying as I write this).

I cannot forget about this new relationship because this is something that I have gone through every scenario about her and this new guy. I used to ask her to go to the movies and she said "I don't like movies like you do" and tehn we ended up doing something else and I would fill that void with friends going with me to the theater. But I come to find out that she over the last few eks has not only gone to the movies but she enjoyed it and has another date to go to the movies this weekend. -So sad about the person she is becoming because she no longer wants me in her life which is truly where I want to be.

I have been making positive changes to myself and it has not been easy. I sadly placed our house on the market yesterday so all of the yardwork that needs to be done will be by me alone and then the house sold. I have learned to listen to the little details of what she says and not avoid the "nag" as I once did- I have come to find out that the "nag" was all stuff I wanted to get done myself adnI gave her such a hard time.

I will never force her back into my life unless I am dying then I expect her to live out the next however many days/months I have to live by my side as my wife. I want to bother her all day long just to get a glimpse of her voice (very raspy and cute)or peek of her beautiful face and body. What can I say I am very physically attracted to her too. When I see her I feel like I am on the top of the world and anything is possible. I have meaning again, a purpose in life. for that brief moment I am complete.

-Still in love Phil

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 3:42pm

Phil-

This is some advice that I recieve almost two years ago when I was going through tmy divorce... and I want to pass it along to you.

Just remember one thing, it is okay to miss your wife. But dwelling on what she is doing and why is not going to help - this is the time you need to reach out to every an all of your support system, friends and family and ask them to help you through this time of your life. Believe me they will be there for you-

Hugs. Christina
Girly,
Hugs and more hugs. We all learn some things the hard way. (Oh boy could I tell you stories about some of the things I've done! Ugh! And that's why I was so hard on you.)
Resolve from here out to make choices that are best for you. Always remember how precious and special you are and how you deserve nothing less than unconditional love and acceptance. Set your standards high and don't lower them for anyone.
Put yourself in the boss'chair and look ahead. Soon, you'll discover you can have the life you want and what she thinks is of no importance to you.
Do you know what I did in the middle of my divorce (and some of the dumb things I did when I was separated!)? I made lists of things I wanted to do and taped them to my walls. I came up with 240 things before I stopped writing. What did I write down? Oh, mundane things like "Change my driver's license," and big things like "buy a house." (I did both!) It's very empowering to do that type of exercise. It helps you see beyond the pain and confusion of divorce in process, and, more importantly, it helps you see YOURSELF. :)
There's a really excellent book I recommend you read when you feel like it: "Finding your Own North Star," by Martha Beck. It's designed to help you uncover your "stuff" and get back to yourself. I think you'll like it.
Another terrific little book you may find even more helpful right now, "Rebuilding: When your relationship ends," by Bruce Fisher. Reads like a roadmap to breaking up. I think you'll appreciate what it says. Both books are probably available at your public library or you can get them used for low cost.
Remember, your STBX can't manipulate you without your cooperation. Learn to recognize her motives and put your self respect first. It gets very easy to do with practice. One day, you'll look back and realize she's the biggest loser, and the future you create for yourself will be the best reward you can give yourself and someone else with whom you share your life.
Peace and blessings.
May God carry you through this journey,
Wisdomtooth

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 7:09am

I have read your posts and I want to say that two things stand out in my mind.
One, is that you had talked a little about your relationship, and the nature of things within it. Call it my 'gut' feeling, but is sounds like you are leaving a lot of information about the way things really were out of the posts. Yes it sounds like you loved her a lot but is sounds like a lot of things were far from being an ideal marriage (although who knows what that is?). Although you yourself had said that you were not there emotionally for your wife, I think that there are other things that might have been going on in the marriage. You had also stated that your wife never wanted anything from you because she was so independent. She did want something from you, she wanted to talk things over or 'nag' as you had stated. So in effect she did want something and although you had said you would do anything for her, the thing she really needed you could not give her.

Secondly, something you had stated bothered me. You had said you would never 'force' your wife into being there by your side. Can you really force anyone to be by your side? Definitely not. And you said that only if you were in a bad way, then you would expect your soon to be ex-wife to live out the rest of your days by your side as your wife. I'm sorry, I am not belittling in any way the pain you are feeling, but that statement is something out of a fairytale. I agree that if there will be good feelings between you and because she is the mother of your son, then the decent thing to do would be to be by your side in that aspect. But be by your side as a 'wife'? That is highly unrealistic.

As painful as it is, try to examine the relationship as it really was, not as the idealized version you want it to be. I think that your wife was not happy in this relationship and you had admitted that she had stated that before and you might not have taken it as seriously as you do now, of course. But if you have tried talking to her before she had actually met someone and you saw that it was to no avail, then at least do yourself a favor and see the things the way they really were. Ask yourself what happened so that in the future you will be able to work on things from your side of it in future relationships.

I take offense at the many men who think they 'own' their wives, even when they are no longer together. I think that is why I have a hard time accepting what you wrote when you said you would 'force' her in a situation. Your wife is obviously independent and has her own nature and her own mind, and is therefore not accountable to you in any way after the divorce except in the capacity of anything to do with your son. Please remember that.

Believe me, I do feel for you and your son, but some of the things you had stated just did not add up.




Edited 10/8/2005 7:25 am ET ET by smoothride

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