please help! Scared to go through with divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-1999
please help! Scared to go through with divorce
4
Sat, 07-27-2013 - 2:32am

I'v been married 10 years. No children. Mostly unhappy. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I AM STILL HERE!  we go through some good times and have secure plans for the future, but I have felt dead inside for so long. I am pretty sure that I do not love my husband. I don't even believe he loves me. I still wish that this were not so and I keep wishing that somehow he would sweep me off my feet and become the man I always wanted so that I could love him. I am reluctant to hurt him by leaving him since it would break my heart to hurt him but sometimes I think that he wouldn't even care if I left and that I'd be doing him a favour to leave??? yes we HAVE been to counselling multiple times, it helps on a temporary basis but eventually he falls back to the normal way he is and I fall back to me, and since we have nothing in common. I think that we really shouldn't be together and that we would both be happier if we weren't together ( it is SO HARD FOR ME TO ADMIT THIS!)

my questions I guess are: how to actually do the leaving? What to tell our friends and family?

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 07-27-2013 - 12:36pm

Birdee, the way you do it is JUST DO IT!  If you're not happy, and you think that moving on with your life is the way to happiness........then you owe it to yourself to take the bull by the horns, and start the process.

How do you tell your husband?  Tell him what you've said here.  You're not happy, you don't think he's happy, you've tried counseling, it hasn't helped, and it's time to end the unhappiness and each of you can move on with your lives......and possibly find happiness.......because where you are now is NOT providing the happiness that both of you deserve.  There's no reason to be ashamed to admit it.....everyone makes mistakes and smart people rectify their mistakes.  You also need to be glad there aren't any children.....this is between two adults. 

It's very possible that when you tell him you want out, he WILL be hurt......just as you are hurting, but he will soon realize that it's best for both of you.......he (and you) will soon get over your "hurt".  I don't know your living arrangements now......do you own a home together or rent?  Either way, then discuss who will leave, who will stay....and of course the financial aspects of all of it.  Can you afford to live alone?  If not, do you have a friend or relative that can put you up for a while?  You sit down and discuss all of this......unless he's a non-talker, in which case, you decide what YOU have to do, and do it.  Find a lawyer, and discuss things with him/her.  Who gets the TV, who keeps the dog, or whatever else needs to be decided. 

What do you tell your friends and family?  You tell them you're getting divorced!  If they're nosy enough to ask why then tell them why.  Tell them that you both agreed that you'd made a mistake, and now you're fixing it.

The bottom line of all of it is that you're not happy, you want out of the marriage, and you tell him that, and if cooperates, wonderful........if not, then do what YOU have to do to accomplish what you want.  Also, have you ever thought that maybe he's just as unhappy as you, and HE wants out, but doesn't want to hurt YOUR feelings?  You are the only one who is responsible for your own happiness......and if you don't have it, then you do whatever is necessary to find it.  Good Luck to you........you can do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-27-2013 - 2:48pm

I agree with Fissatore--it's really hard to bring up the discussion but you might find that once you get it into the open you are both relieved.  You could just say that you feel that both of you have really tried to make the marriage work but it hasn't seemed to work out and you feel that you're not really made for each other.  You would like to try to have an amicable divorce.  Since you don't have kids things will be a lot easier--it's just dividing money and things--and you can always get more things.  The alternative to doing this is to stay in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life feeling that you aren't with the right person.  You really don't owe anyone a big explanation--you can tell your close family & friends that you really tried to make things work but they didn't work out--to everyone else, you just say it was a mutual decision that you were incompatible and there was no big issue--I think people are nosy and want to know whether there was cheating or something like that, but you don't have to feed into that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I agree with the others and will add if you are not in counseling then maybe you can seek out a good counselor who specializes in sep. and divorce.. A counselor will help you move on and find help you make the final decisions if need be..

I would also start looking into sep. and divorce support groups.. When I was going through a divorce these groups saved me as I didnt feel so alone and others were going through the same thing as I was. It was nice being with like  minded people..

You can also get a few books on sep. and divorce and read them and maybe get ideas on how to proceed with the divorce..

whatever you decide be true to yourself and love yourself first because that is the most important thing, If you are not happy with someone dont sacrifice your life and authentic self and happiness for anyone. Dont put yourself on hold for something that is not serving you even if it means that it might hurt others.. That is life and maybe you are just done with your hubby... You may have had a good run and its time to move on..

Good Luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sat, 03-15-2014 - 11:52pm

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