please help---violent husband--what todo
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please help---violent husband--what todo
| Fri, 04-08-2005 - 1:24am |
Hi and thanks to anybody who can help me here! I will try to make this as beief as possible. My husband and I have been married almost 7 years. Within that time he has shown his anger and temper in many ways. Literally daily, maybe every other day he will use some sort of verbal attack, intimidation, put down, tear down, disrespect, threat, mostly usually verbal and just plain nasty behaivor. Picture someone speaking to someone they despise and using everything, every name in the book, every little insecurity they know about the other person to knock them down. This is what he has done to me over the years. Also, for the fifth time in our 7 years together, he has gotten physically abusive with me. No black eyes, he is more creative, more like choking me or throwing things or kicking me. Anyway, twice before at these moments, I did leave him and he sobbed and swore he would never ever...blah, blah. Accepted him back, only the last time after the fourth physical abuse episode, I made it clear when I was accepting him back, if he ever...That would be it for good. Well, a year and a half later, he did. Of course the daily horrible verbal abuse has been back for the last year but this last weekend he stepped it up again. Anyway, I used the best weapon I knew and got a restraining order on him first thing on Monday and he was forced to leave our home. He, of course, is not at all happy about this. My problem is this, he continues to call me on both my cell phone and home phone even though he was told by the sherriffs not to. I have not answered: thank goodness for caller ID. Here is my problem, with his violent history and by the tone of his messages (still angry): Do I report his contacting me or not? I am afraid to as he can really just "walk right through that restraining order" and do whatever he wishes to me out of anger for being reported. That is my fear. Please do help if you can. Thanks and God Bless

I am so sorry you are going thru this. I have not had to deal with this type of situation before but I would not think it would hurt to let law enforcment know what is happening. If you have not already, check with Dealing with Domestic violence board on ivillage.
Domestic Violence
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
1-303-839-1852
Provides resources to help with the empowerment of battered women and their children.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY for the Hearing Impaired)
Provides crisis counseling and local referrals for shelters and transitional housing for victims of domestic violence. Spanish language option available.
National Network to End Domestic Violence
1-202-543-5566
Provides news and information for advocates about domestic violence.
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
1-800-537-2238
Provides support to health care professionals, policy makers and domestic violence advocates through its four main program areas: model training strategies, practical tools, technical assistance and public policy.
Violence Against Women Office
1-202-307-6026
Works with victim advocates and law enforcement in developing grant programs that support a wide range of services for victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking.
huge hugs to you.i hope that you can contact one of the phone numbers that julie posted for you - i think that you need solid legal advice here.
i am sending you huge hugs. any kind of violence is difficult to get thru - and get out of. my ex was very abusive - not physically but emotionally and financially. its hard to break away - but you can do it.
Jen
You sent me a private email and when I tried to reply it bounced back to me.
My marriage was emotionally/verbally abusive. He never hit me but I always believed he would. The difference was my marriage lasted 27 years. During that time there was the roller coaster of charmer/abuser.
I have changed my phone number twice. My adult children do not have my phone number. They contact me by email. This way he cannot trick it out of them. He has done that before. I have a PO Box that I use for my mail. You should get one. I have also moved twice.
Report him to the police. If you don't he will know he can do whatever and you won't report him. Yes he will be angry but you have to do the right thing.
I don't know what your financial situation is but you should think about moving to where he doesn't know where you are. I hope you have a lawyer, do not be in the same room alone with him. When we had mediation I insisted we be in seperate rooms, he then took out his anger on the mediator.
I am praying for you and will continue to do so. Find a support group, I found DivorceCare they are nationwide and low low cost. They saved my life. You probably don't think many if anyone had a marriage like yours but it is all to common. My ex is a successful professional that played the devoted, loving husband out in public. He also kept it from the children.
Good luck
Mary
All advice that was posted I agree with completely.
YES! report his contact and find out what your next options are.
I wish I knew more about this subject, please know that hugs and prayers are here for you.
Good luck and please keep us updated.
Angelena
I have never been in a physically abusive relationship, but my Mom and my MIL have. I’ll share my mom’s story first.
She was living in another state than the rest of the family and she was in a VERY physically abusive relationship, she came home to California with the family after the first REALLY bad episode and she stayed home for a few weeks, then he convinced her to come home, promising it will never happen again. Probably from the day she was back in AZ the abuse started again… but she didn’t tell any of us because she was ashamed that she went back with him. Well I’d say approx. 6 months later this man literally held my mother hostage in a hotel room for three days, (he had to of been on some narcotic because it took him this long to fall asleep so my mom could escape)! When my mom was able to get out of there she could barely walk, a man driving by stopped and offered to help her because he could see she was in bad shape. Long story short, the cops ended up finding this guy and put him in jail and my mom is safe in California now and thank god he is not able to find her!
My MIL’s abuse wasn’t as violent as my mothers but her boyfriend turned into a ragging psycho and she had a RE against him and he constantly violated it…. In the end he ended up having to serve close to a year in jail on stalking, harassment and violation of the RE order (I don’t know those are the actual charges but that is what he did my my MIL).
My point is the abuse won’t stop, so please do everything in your power to stay safe. If your husband violates your RE call the police, EVERY SINGE TIME! Also, document everything, change your locks, get an alarm system put on your house if you don’t already have one and have your neighbors be aware that your husband isn’t to be anywhere near your house, and if they see him tell them to call the police!
Report it immediately. He's testing you to see if he can walk through the order. If you report the violations, you're sending a strong message that he can't. If you have a message machine with a tape, get the tape to the police (and get a copy for yourself). If it's a digital machine, they can record it or listen to it and write a report. If voicemail, save the messages.
You have done an extremely wise and courageous thing in taking action against him. Stick to it; don't let him or anyone else talk you out of it. You deserve to be safe.
Take care of yourself, Jen. Hugs and congratulations.
I have a RO on my H, (& have filed for D)& PLEASE REPORT HIM ASAP!!!!
Hugs, hugs, hugs....
REPORT HIM NOW!!!! Please don't wait until later....like everyone else said, he's testing you! You've taken the first step in getting the R/O, now have it enforced. You are a brave, couragious woman, and you deserve so much better than the way he's treating you! Change your locks asap as well!
It's time to stand up for you and do what's best for you. No one deserves to be treated this way...no one!
Best of luck to you...lots of prayers and hugs! Keep us posted!
Kait