Please read and advise...you have no idea how much I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2011
Please read and advise...you have no idea how much I need advice
4
Sun, 07-03-2011 - 2:27pm

This is long, but your time and answers are much appreciated.

Please please read my story and offer advice. Im emotionally exhausted and want to just disappear. Im 31 years old and married to a man that is 38. We met at work when I was 20. He was a nice guy and fun, but I was never physically attracted to him. I went on a few dates with him as something to do, plus he was a really nice guy. We had discussions and talks about what we wanted in life. It was clear from the get go we wanted 2 completely different things. One of the first things he asked was if I was ready (at 20) to get married and have kids. I said absolutely positively not. We didn’t like the same music, didn’t like the same sports, felt differently about politics, etc… I knew right away he wasn’t “The One” But, I was young and dating was harmless.

Even WITH using protection, I became pregnant. I was baffled and mad as anything. I called him and told him I was having an abortion and that he didn’t have to do anything. He then told me that I could marry him and have the baby instead. I told him that I didn’t want to do that. I told my parents and they told my grandparents, etc…. Basically, I was told that I will have the baby and I will get married. Basically, “you made the choice to have sex, now live with that choice.” So, here I am at 20, pregnant and devastated. We used protection, never made sense to me. The first time he ever said he loved me (like a month into our relationship, I replied with “Thank You.” I ended up marrying him at a courthouse and having the baby. I was depressed and unhappy. Not because he was horrible, but because I wanted none of this. I remember looking at my son when he was born and his big blue eyes staring at me and my first thought was “what do you want from me.” But, the more I told my parents how much I felt this was a mistake, I heard…”you have to live with your decisions.” My husband knew I wasn’t happy, so he worked harder to buy things to make me happy, house, new car, pool, etc… I learned how to pretend. Fake smiles, fake happiness and lying. I learned to lie really well….. How are you, “great!” When my son turned 5, he wanted to have another child, I did not. Again, even with using protection, I became pregnant. And a 3rd time. 3 children total. After the 3rd child, I had a IUD put in, because the three “protection” mishaps were just creepy.

He never hit me, never denied me anything. He was extremely over protective and territorial. He would even get mad at his friends if they looked at me in anyway other than a glance. He DID make me stop talking to all male friends. At this point, I was automated and just did what I was told. I had no one to cry to, so I “Lived with my choices” Our marriage hasn’t been horrible, its been scripted. I have had fun and I love my 3 children more than anything. They are the ones that have kept me sane and happy.

Then I learned something that made me physically sick to my stomach about the man I was married to for the last 7 years…at a Halloween party, his best friend mentioned in a drunk stupor that his previous girlfriend had gotten pregnant and had an abortion. He told me that my husband had gotten her pregnant intentionally and she refused to have the baby… Suddenly, after 7 years of marriage, everything made sense. The conversations, the way we started dating, the pregnancy… He had it all planned out. I asked him about it and he denied getting me intentionally pregnant or his ex, but said he did plan the “coincidental” run ins before we started dating. I was shocked. I knew he planned the baby too to keep me. I was devastated and crushed. I spent my 20’s playing mom and wife to a man that had tricked me.

The next day at work, I was still violently ill to my stomach over the thoughts and the more I replayed events, the more I realized how I was tricked and trapped. He knew I was furious so he brought me a dozen roses to my classroom. I lost it and had to have the teacher next door to me take my students because I was getting ready to have a serious fight or breakdown. She sent her intern to take my students and he took my class for about an hour until I could recompose myself… He sent an email later that day telling me if I ever wanted or needed to talk, he was there to listen. I took him up on the offer. I told him everything, I told him about my parents, my husband, my friends that I had to cut out of my life…and he listened and listened and listened. He helped me find a marriage counselor, helped make me laugh when I needed a good day, and became my best friend.

Fast forward 3 years. I separated officially from my husband last summer because he demanded I stop talking to my “friend.” I refused. I never cheated. He said I had because he found emails I sent him telling him about my marriage and how unhappy I was. He considered it going outside of the marriage and having an emotional affair. This made me even madder because I saw it as having my first real friend in years. This is all he had. He put a gps tracking device in my car, a keylogger on my computer, read every text/email, demanded me to call when I left work, got to work., etc. I became a prisoner, and when I finally told him no, he “left” and I let him. ALL this while I guarded my children as much as humanly possible. We have discussed divorce and even started the paperwork…he is all talk then begs me to take him back. Weve agreed to share custody of the children and have spent the last year doing week on/week off. The kids have adjusted and understand.

Now here I am…married 11 years, separated for the last year and my husband has begged to give it one more try “for the kids” I keep thinking, Am I being selfish by divorcing? When people ask why it didn’t work…he loved me TOO much? If I didn’t have children, there wouldn’t be a question. It would have been over a long time ago. We’ve gone to marriage counseling and the counselor recommended that I cut my “friend” out of my life and focus on rebuilding my marriage. But, whats to rebuild?? I never “fell” in love. I was never truly happy. Id cry myself to sleep, Id think of suicide… I just never had a reason to leave because everything seemed perfect. And, I AM completely in love with my friend. I told him last December (6 moths after I separated) and he told me loved me too and had for a long time. He never said anything because of my situation. It’s a real love. Complete, head over heels, perfect for each-other, soul-mate love. He holds my hand, kisses my forehead, takes the worries away when Im with him. He makes me laugh, loves me for my mistakes, trusts me, respects me. My children love him (as a friend of mine). If I were able to choose, he would have been my choice. He would have been the one for me. We’ve never done anything more than just a kiss. He understands that while my marriage is in shambles, it is still a marriage. These are the feelings I never had with my husband. Not once…

My friend has told me he is going to wait for me. Wait for the divorce to be finalized. My husband said he is going to fight me til the death for my kids and fight for our marriage. I know exactly what I want. What I want for once. But what I want, breaks up a family and hurts people. My husband has a feeling that I have feelings for my friend, but I have never told him I was in love or that he loves me. My friend knows my husband still loves me and wants the family together, but doesn’t know that the paperwork that has been filled out, hasn’t been filed yet. I want a divorce. I just don’t have the courage to fight this man who is very controlling alone. I want my kids with me. He has a large prominent family in here town. I moved here after our first child for him. I have no one with in 300 miles and my parents are not for divorce. How do I do this???? My husband refuses to pay for anything because we share 50/50. After I pay rent, electric, cable, car, phone and student loan, I have 300 a month left for food (for 4), necessities, gas, etc. Please please tell me what to do. PLEASE. Or tell me if Im wrong for feeling this way. Im so confused.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
If you feel there is no hope for your marriage, even when you remove your friend from the equation, speak to a lawyer and see what you would get in a divorce in your state. A lot of lawyers offer free consultations so you can atleast see what you are entitled too. I don't feel you should live your life unhappy or for the benefit of others. You only get one life. I would caution about your relationship with your friend. If you do divorce and then openly date him, everyone will assume you cheated and then you have to deal with that. Just make sure your head over heels feelings for your friend don't cloud your judgement.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Get a really good divorce lawyer ASAP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2011

The

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011

So much of what you wrote could be my life. I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 21. We were friends for 4 years. At 20 I started dating him, even though I wasn't attracted to him. But he was nice, and a hard worker. That all changed very quickly. By 23 I was a mom, and working my