Please tell me I'm not alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
Please tell me I'm not alone
7
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 12:55pm

I am just wondering if anyone else out there is in a similar situation to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 3:51pm

Hi,

I am sorry you are hurting right now.

I think there may be two situations here: you and your marriage. It sounds as if you may be depressed, and you admitted to having low self-esteem. That alone is tough enough to deal with, and then you've got the other issue. It sounds as if you're not fulfilled in your marriage.

I was once in your shoes, and how I tackled it was to be honest with my husband, telling him that he was a wonderful man, but that I no longer loved him. And then I worked on myself. I went to therapy to deal with some issues from my past, and I got myself in the emotional state that would enable me to love myself, and thus love another fully and completely. I am so thankful that I explored my own needs and desires, because if I wouldn't have, I may have spent my life looking for someone else to fill up all the empty spaces.

Best of luck to you as you make the transition into the next phase of your life. Be good to you, and please do not beat yourself up. I know it's tempting to become reclusive right now, but if you can confide in any trusted person, it will do you a world of good. And please do consider therapy.

Hugs,
M

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 9:30am

You sound so much like me. I get so excited when my STBX announces he has to go out of town. I have so much energy. I laugh and am happy. I am only depressed when he is home. I hate hearing the garage door open in the evenings announcing his arrival.

I am getting things in order in preparation for divorce while letting my youngest daughter age a bit more. I hope to split from him in June and get on with my life. There's no good time to divorce when you have children, but 2 of mine will have graduated high school and the third will just be beginning. I figure they will all have the summer to get used to the idea and will hopefully be able to focus once school starts back in the fall.

If you really want to give it a shot and force him to talk to you. Tell him at, say, 1:30 that you would like to talk to him at 2:00. Then assertively turn off whatever tv or game he's looking at and sit right down in front of him. Hold his hand so he can't escape and say what is on your mind. Think it through first because you may not get him to sit still for long. If he doesn't cooperate, then you have your answer. He's not willing to give you the time of day.

Good luck from another Kentucky girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 9:53am

Hey Kygirl,

It's amazing to me how many women feel the same way. I strongly encourage you to go to therapy and make sure the problem isn't something fixable. I'm currently in a situation much like yours. Kids are also involved. I haven't enjoyed spending alone time with my husband our entire marriage. We didn't even go on a honeymoon because of it. That sure is telling, huh? I've just been telling myself that I'm a bad wife for the past 7 years, but finally I have realized that part of the reason why I feel this way is because m H has put immense amounts of pressure on me, he has ignored me, belittled me, given me no respect and has never treated me as an equal/partner in the marriage. Those things have helped stifle any feelings for him. When the marriage started, I realized he also liked to play video games, eat and watch tv. I'm an avid reader, hiker and well, I do like to cook. However, we had no common interests really to start. So, when he refused to do things that I liked to do, we branched off and each did our own things. Unless I did what he liked to do, we didn't spend time together. It was that simple. And then, I actually wanted to do things with him. Now, I dont--and it's an ugly place to be,

At any rate, going to counseling (individual and couple for me, personally) has helped me sort through some issues buried very deeply that were not due to my husband, but do affect our relationship. I am now trying to sort through whether those and the other issues can be repaired. Since you and I seem very similar from your post--my happiest times are when he's not around, when he has an event or overnight trip for work, and I am literally a different person when he's not here--I really think you might need to look internally, like I have, to really see what YOU need to be happy. I do the same thing when he doesn't come home at night. The kids and I laugh and smile all day. We have fun. I socialize and laugh with people at soccer practice. I don't feel that pressure of being "on" for him when he gets home. I'm always amazed at how much more I get done when he's not around, and by how much happier I am, even if the laundry is falling out of the dryer and the dog went through the trash, etc. Though my H is a nice guy, and sometimes helpful, I realize that his presence stresses me and upsets me--he feels like a poison though he has no intention of being that way. I find it very difficult to be around him and unfortunately, those feelings are the same whether we are at a kids' soccer game or at home.

It's very difficult because I am eager to move on and start new. I have done 7 years worth of beating myself up, even moreso lately as I have, for the first time in our marriage, started connecting with someone else (no affair, but very strong mutual feelings). These feelings are very much happening as a result of the things lacking in our marriage, but they definitely complicate the marriage and being able to end it. Apparently it is very common as what my therapist considers an "emotional exit affair," helping you to get out of an unhappy relationship.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you are able to take care of yourself and not beat yourself up constantly over the decision. It's easier said than done, and I hope I am also able to take my own advice.




Edited 10/17/2007 10:06 am ET by gogadgetgo
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 10:49am

Thank you all so much for your responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 6:06am

Ky,


You reap what you sow. It sounds like neither you nor your husband have invested much into maintaining the relationship that led you to marry.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 10:32am

Wisdom,


I do agree with what you say, but that is not us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 1:54pm