Please:How do you do it? Leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Please:How do you do it? Leave?
7
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 8:28pm

New here...and I am having a hard time even writing this....but I am at my wit's end. I am considering asking for a separation and can't figure out how I will actually

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 6:06am

Sunflower,


What I suggest is you make a plan. Don't wait until you're so stressed out and so desparate you just pick up your child and go out the door. If you do, you put yourself at a gross disadvantage, i.e. where to go, how to live, etc.


So, I suggest you make a plan.


1)Gather information. Visit with a divorce attorney to learn your rights and responsibilities. What options exist for spousal support, child support, and custody/visitation? What is your state's child support formula? Can you live on that?


2)Prepare. Do you work outside the home? If not, can you get a job? What child care options exist? Can you afford them? Can you keep a car? The family Home? What are your bills?


3)Set deadlines. Your "end date" might be the day you leave or serve papers. Set smaller deadlines between now and then, i.e. when you'll see a lawyer, etc.


Again, don't just "up and leave" because you'll create a whole set of problems for yourself. Plan.


Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020


Learn to spell. Some commonly misspelled words on this board:


They're = contraction of "they are"; They're going to the store.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 8:43am

Thank you so much for your response. You are right...I often have that desire to just run as fast as I can and I know I can't. So, I will make a plan...although I feel like I am being deceptive....I know it is just what I have to do.


Have a great day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 11:06pm

Hi sun_flower_1 - I have been married for 11 years with the last 5 being an up and down rollercoaster.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2008
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 10:26pm
What might help is that you can't worry about how shocked family and friends will be. You have to do what is right for you and what will make you happy. I did the same thing when I was facing divorce. I think it was more out of shame to have to admit to my family and friends that my marriage failed. But remember that they will support you in your decision and help you through the hard times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Tue, 01-15-2008 - 8:51pm
Thank you for your kind and wise words...all of you. My relationship is truly a rollercoaster. Neither of us is happy....it really is too bad. I am taking your advise...it is about being happy and now about being prepared. I will keep you all posted and am so grateful for this board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 12:22pm

I feel for you, I am in the same boat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 2:04am

You know, something else to consider is that friends and family may see more of the crappiness in your relationship than you really think they do. I was shocked when my mom told me one day, "You know, I'd understand if you divorced him." It wasn't two weeks after that I decided to actually do it, and it's now maybe two months later and I just got my divorce papers today and a draft of our settlement agreement.

I've been surprised how many of my friends haven't been nearly as surprised as I thought they might be. Many have said they saw it coming. Sure, some family has been very surprised, but it hasn't been nearly as bad as I anticipated. I've got a two year old child, and our marriage was basically okay. It just wasn't what I wanted for the rest of my life.