Positive stories

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Positive stories
5
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 12:30pm

Well I have decided to give my wife some room, I tried to get her to go to counseling or atleast slow down the divorce process but she won't do either.

She had an affair because she said she was unhappy and didn't know who she was anymore. I have done alot of reading and talking and most people seem to think there will be a time where she will realize her mistake and come back, I'm not so sure.

We ahve had a wonderful life so far and have 2 great boys(6 and 11) who I am concerned about.

Its been just over 2 weeks since she admitted the affair and moved in with her parents.

I still love her deeply and would take her back tomorrow, I'm looking for happy ending stories because right now I don't have much hope for us.

Thanks

JDW

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 1:59pm

I have no positive stories but I am with you on needing some kind of hope. Me and my husband have been seperated for about 2 monthes now, and have 3 wonderful boys. The seperation was his choice not mine, I have basically done everything I can to get him to come home.

As of last night I have now found out that he has had some sorta of relationship with another woman. The reason I say some sorta is because he will not tell me anything..he had the nerve to tell me that it was none of my business. I feel it is my business I have 11 years invested in this marriage and 3 boys ages 10,8,3 with him. I have never felt so hopeless in my life.

I would also love to hear some positive stories and advice on how to get through this. I am torn between just sitting back and seeing what happens or going tomorrow and filing for divorce. The worst for me is his lack of communication he refuses to talk at all about our marriage or anything at all. Which does not give me hope, even though he will not go file for divorce. I guess he wants his cake and eat it to who knows...Sorry I know this is not positive but had to get that out it is hurting so bad I can hardly make it through the days!

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 2:41pm

I understand exactly how you feel. She told me in Feb that she wasn't happy, so we talked and I really worked to make things better. She said she needed to go to counseling to figure herself out, that ended up backfiring, the lady told her that if she was unhappy she needed to do whatever she could to make herself happy.

I had my suspisions about the affair and even named the person and she denied the whole thing. The other part taht finally got to her was the relationship I was developing with her parents, her dad just retired so our boys and I were spending alot of quality time with him.

I still have hope that she will come to her senses and try to reconcile but I know her too well and at this point it is a distant hope.

JDW

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 3:59pm
Being in a similar boat, all I can say is that we will get to a point where we will accept that the only thing and person we can control is us. As much as I would like the chance to reconcile my marriage, after all of the hurt and pain and blaming I have been inflicted with, I don't know if it could ever have the rosey ending I dreamed once that it could. Yes you have years invested and yes you have children. You also are at the very beginning where hope is always strongest. None of us have a choice when our spouse wants to leave. Often it is done in cruel and unexpected ways. The timing, though never good, is always the worst. Truth is, they have emotional problems. They have to get through it themselves and no matter how much you love them and want to help, they are rejecting it. They are being selfish. I don't want to come off angry, I just feel like I have lived and read about countless stories where spouses have treated people inhuman at times and it is excused with thier "sickness". Look at what we are all going through. Any of us off cheating, lying, shirking responsibilities? No we are the ones holding it all together and loving them inspite of it all. I am not saying give up, I am saying let go. Don't enable her, distance yourself from the family as best you can and focus on you and your boys. You will have a happy life with them whether she wants to be there or not. When I learn how to do it myself with ease, I will let you know! You are a true gentleman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 12:50pm

I have one positive story for you. A family I am close to did manage to reconcile after infidelity. She strayed and he stayed faithful, and now years later they have a second DD (they had one at the time), and seem quite happy. However, it was a very long road for them, and they both had to admit and deal with their part in the affair. On her part, she had an affair when she should have been working on fixing her unhappiness with her marriage. On his part, he wasn't unhappy before the affair, so he didn't worry much about her complaints.

I, on the other hand, walked away from a marriage my XH wanted to save. No infidelity, but I was very unhappy. He got the love he needed from me, and so was perfectly happy for us to continue as we were. He saw my depression, he heard my complaints, but it was easier for him to figure that everything was OK. We tried counselling, but somehow, he thought that it was my problem, not our problem. When he realized I really did want the divorce, then he wanted to change. But by then, I no longer cared. I simply lacked the emotional strength to keep fighting.

My therapist told me that as long as there is love or hate or anger or another strong emotion, you can perhaps save the marriage. It sounds like you may still be there, so who knows? But whatever happens, you can survive, you can make it thru, and you can have a wonderful life. I hope your story has a happy ending.

Hugs,
~Kristi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:18pm

I can tell you something that has helped me - not waiting on him to make a decision. If he's possibly seeing someone else etc., then he's not moving toward you - he's moving away & it's only a matter of time the inevitable will happen unless you take action.

You can sit back & wait on him to have a change of heart (not going to happen), or you can begin to see the writing on the wall, take your life back & take the appropriate steps that will help you put a smile on your face again - only gonna happen if you take control.

Then....and only then, may he possibly see the person he fell in love w/and reconsider whether or not he would like a marriage w/his family or not. But you have to be willing to love yourself first, let go & get excited about the possibility of your life - w/or w/out him :)

Laurel