The power struggle continues . . .

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
The power struggle continues . . .
5
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:13am


I know that I shouldn't expect the problem of STBX withholding information from me to get any better now that we are separated, but I'm tired of STBX getting very defensive and screaming and yelling at me when I try to simply remind him about the right to first refusal clause in our agreement.

Last week, STBX's parenting time was Thurs Morning - Monday morning as it is every other week. On the other weeks, our kids are with him on Thursdays and Fridays which are usually his days off. STBX also cares for our youngest for a few hours MTW mornings while I am at work and our oldest is at school. STBX generally works Saturday and Sunday from about noon until about midnight. I am Ok with the fact that the kids spend these Saturdays and a few hours on Sunday with STBX's parents, but I do insist that they are back at my home around 3pm on Sundays (if he is working) so that they have their typical school night routine.

Last week STBX had to work on Thursday and Friday but was off Saturday and Sunday. I suspected this was the case when I didn't see his car at his house on Thursday and Friday nights. I wasn't snooping, but I could practically throw a rock and hit his house from my backyard if I tried - it's that close to mine. Statements our daughter made upon returning to my home on Sunday (I didn’t ask) confirmed my thoughts. Even though STBX was off on Sunday he brought the kids back to me in the afternoon rather than asking to keep them until Monday morning.

If STBX had informed me that he was going to be working then I would have wanted the kids Thursday night, but would have allowed them to spend the night with their grandparents on Friday night. In addition, I would have expected STBX to keep the kids until Monday morning rather than bring them back to me on Sunday afternoon. In that scenario I would have actually had the same number of nights with them and STBX would have had one more night - if he kept them Sunday night. The kids would have had one overnight visit with their grandparents instead of two.

I honestly think STBX wants to spend time with our kids, but he doesn’t want to ask or be accountable to me for anything. Apparently, he'd rather give his parenting time to his parents rather than negotiate a trade or schedule change with me. I don’t want to take parenting time away from him – I just want to maximize the time that either/both of us can spend with our children. I don’t want to keep them from their grandparents, but won’t share parenting 50/50 with them. I know one weekend isn’t a big deal, but I know STBX. If I didn’t say anything then STBX would think that it’s OK to not tell me every time. He has actually pulled this before, but that was before our parenting plan was accepted by family court.

Am I being unreasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 1:37pm

Well..... you see, I'd be praising my EX is he took the initiative to make arrangements for child care when it was his time with


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 2:09pm

I do agree that the first right of refusal has gray areas and that is part of the problem.

The other part of our problem is unequal implementation. He expects me to bring the kids to him on my way to the office - even if my parents are also available, but he doesn't do the same for me. Then he'll often leave them with his mother - even when it's "my" time and I'm at work. My job is predictible 8-5. His is constantly changing and he uses that to his mother's advantage. On the bright side I don't have a huge childcare bill, but on the downside MIL has always been very disrespectful of me. Our kids see plenty of their paternal grandparents during my parenting time while I'm working. On another bright side this will become less and less of an issue as our children get older and spend more time at school and other activities.

Now for the VENT directed to MIL:
You have been trying to squeeze me out of the picture since day one! You have your baby boy back - NOW LET US RAISE OUR CHILDREN! You are their GRANDMOTHER - NOT their MOTHER!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 2:15pm

Well, I suspect that as time passes... and the kiddos get older... the novelty of the power strugle will dwindle away... and all will be well.


Bad MIL!!!! ;-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 2:32pm

I may be opening a can of worms here, but I think that visitation is the worst part of a divorce. Yes I have to go back to work, yes we're moving, yes I had to give him the dog (!), and yes the whole process sucked. But visitation arrangements suck the most. I hate having to deal with him all the time (Tues/Thurs nites and e/o weekend). I can't wait to move so I dont' have to see him as often! It's sad for the kids, who will only see him in the summer and e/o weekend, but each day is so confusing!!! The soccer cleats at dads and the jersey at mom's, the homework left at dad's... I hate it!!! My ex's disorganization makes life really hard- and to make matters worse, his visits occur at his parent's house because he's living with his gf!!! This morning my oldest asked why they don't visit dad at his new house! I feel your pain because before the divorce, I took care of all the day to day care for the kids and things ran smoothly- now I have to move and go back to work and I really miss taking care of them. He uses his family (mom, dad and brother's family) to sit when he and gf go out and I feel that sometimes they see more of my kids than I do!

OK, I feel better after venting here. Take care.

Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 2:58pm
Thanks. I've been venting most of the day too because I too feel like our kids spend more time with their grandparents than their parents. I am thankful that they are with people who love them, but it's hard for me because I always wanted to be a SAHM and now after supporting my STBX for nearly a decade - I'll never get that opportunity. I do hate seeing STBX so often, but managing logistics has not been bad for us. I need to count my blessings.