The Price we pay for HIS divorce!!
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| Sun, 02-18-2007 - 7:32pm |
Many of you are dealing with MUCH more difficult and awful situations, but I need to share.
So I check the calendar this evening and realize we have mediation again this Thursday and I will have to find someone to watch my older dd and get her on the bus to school. My neighbor has been a saint in helping me out, but she is sick right now and I don't feel I can ask. I thought of a morning playdate with a school mate, but I would have to drop her off before 9 am and she'd have to get on the bus and ride an hour (where we get on the bus she is the last stop before school); she is terrified of being on the bus that long. Mind you, I have already arranged for other sitters for other meetings this week and next for my dear daughters.
I am sitting at the dinner table trying to sort out who/how I can get my daughter taken care of and the stbx sits there reading the advertising circulars -- not *his* problem, apparently. His divorce, his mediation, but *I* and *my children* have to bear the burden--me finding yet another person to babysit my girls (I am a sahm mom; my children are 5 and 6 and only in 1/2 day school; one morning, one afternoons)for yet another gd divorce-related meeting and them, being shuttled off to yet another babysitter when all they want and I want is to be together.
And he just sits there -- not his problem! The selfish, self-absorbed ...
This seems so trivial, but it is symptomatic of the whole experience for me. The girls and I lose out, carry the burden, suffer the loses while he walks away, after walking all over us on his way out the door.
Oh, and to boot, he hasn't given up on his idea to live 45 min away by subway with no means to transport the girls to/from his place or to activities. He suggested on school nights he will get them at 4 pm, make them walk the 1/2 mile to the subway, ride the train 1/2 hr to his place; walk another 1/4 to his place; eat some sort of "dinner" and then, reverse the process ... they will be 5 and 7 by that time -- and he is gonna make 'em walk a mile and a half, plus and hour round trip subway ride ... on a school night?
I am not dealing with a rational human being!
M

M - I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I know figuring out how you are going to shuffle everyone is an enormous task at times. Even more so when you are doing it against your better judgement.
I have to say that my initial reaction to the thought of the girls spending an hour on the subway during the week - would be to say, he can come to your area and take them out for dinner after school and drop them off at home by 7;30 or so on school nights. Forget about the girls going to his place unless it is on a weekend and not so disruptive to their lives. Do they have evening activities ie: Brownies or Girl Guides, swimming lessons etc? That would be one more reason to justify not disrupting them.
The more time I live in my "quasi" separation the more I realize that my bond with the girls is definitely stronger than his is. Even when he is home they simply prefer to spend their time with me. (he loves them and they him, but they gravitate much more so towards me). Maybe one or max two nights each week for dinner with dad would be enough - with every other weekend (Fri night thru Sunday morn) at dad's. This scenario would mean he would have to pay more cild support to you but so be it - it is in the best interest of the girls.
No.... He doesn't sound rational at all.
Hope you find a solution.... my first gut reaction was... take the girls to mediation with you.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Rose,
Thanks so much for your reply. I feel like we are friends, almost; our paths/families are not disimilar.
Yes, you may be right. I had also thought about the activities issue as well. You know, by the time he took 'em out to dinner twice a week, he'd spend as much as he would on a cheap car, I bet. Besides he can't even do that -- there aren't any restaurants within walking distance of our house.
Without a car he can't really do much of anything with the girls except hang out here at the house and, frankly, as much as I know the girls would love that, the more I think about it, the less I want him around, messing up my house, leaving me dishes, eating the food I will have paid for and cooked ... Nope, he wants out, then he needs to take care of himself. I am no longer going to take care of him (I am learning lots about co-dependency these days).
If we were married -- hey, cooking etc. is part of my job as a sahm, I am happy to do it for the most part, but if he is gonna shaft me then I am no longer gonna serve him, ykwim?!
Of course, I want the girls to be with their dad and that makes this really tough. Mine gravitate to HIM, not me. They want me for comfort, for cuddles and in the middle of the night and they begin to miss me like crazy after more than two hours, but he is the magic man.
The child psych says he needs to be with them every 48-36 hours or they won't be able to manage their anxiety. Gonna have to figure out what to do. I won't have my 5 yo and 7 yo (she will be by then) riding the subway and walking miles at night on a school night.
Thanks again for listening and now please tell me about you!!!
M
You know, if it comes to that, I will take my older daughter. I will have her sit in the waiting area with her coloring books. I bet the law firm might be a bit put out, but I am not rescheduling another mediation. As it turns out I may have found someone to have her over for a playdate/sit and take her to school; depends--the family's grandma has been sick and returns to their home the day before I need the sit. But, I helped the mom out while she was dealing with her mother's emergency and she said she wanted to help. We will see.
Gosh, talk about resentment; I am having to impose on good people to meet his demands while he just sits there.
Just now I finished typing in all the data for the financial portion of the mediation. Now he has to fill in his portion -- any bets?!
Thanks again for being such a great leader!
M
You're a good friend.... you are concerned about not taking advantage of your friends.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
M - I'm so sorry you going through this - I can totally relate to how your feeling. My Ex is supposed to have DD every other weekend. He has yet (after 6 months) secured housing where he can take her to. So half the time he ends up hanging out here. I hate it too for all the reasons you listed. He also flaked out on the two days this week he was supposed to have her during her vacation. So who's left holding the bag - me of course. Like you, I feel he needs to take responsibility, but I'm not willing to let DD suffer the consequences.
I don't have any great advise the the time on the subway and distance to walk does sound a bit much for kids that young. Are there any free things he could do with the kids in your area like going to the library, parks, swimming?
Good luck,
I think I would stipulate as part of your agreement that it is unaccepatble for the girls to have to do that much subway travel on their own until they have reached a certain again of maturity (ie 14 or so?). That way it will be your H's problem to figure out what HE has to do until then to ensure that he has his visits.
I do understand what you mean about him being the "magic man". Mine is all fun and games too. But still at the end of the day they want you for comfort. My friend is a STAHM as well and her boys think their workaholic dad walks on water. That is because it is such a treat to have him home!
As for me... I think my marriage is heading down the tubes too. I have tried to reach a compromise for DH to spend time at home (we are still quasi separated) with the girls. He agreed to it but he has been very distant from me despite pledging to do his best. I think without having sex - I almost do not exist to him. His behaviour lately has just started to make me angry. Plus people in our community have started the rumour mill and people who should not really know about us do. It is very awkward and frankly it has made me very angry towards him. I feel like I am being played like a fool in some sense. I know it is not intentional on his part but that doesn't negate the impact on me. He is supposed to have a counselling appointment today. He usually has clarity after his appointments so we will see what happens after that....
Hang in there M - we will make it through this. As for your situation, don't you think you on your own will be able to provide more stability for your girls at this point compared to what your H is bringing to the table? I know financially things are not ideal and they are losing their stay at home mom, but do you think they might be sensing some changes at home? Maybe, if this is the way that he will be in his adult years, your girls will be fortunate to have one very loving and stable parent (you) with visits with a very loving but maybe not so stable dad?
Thanks to all for the supportive replies.
Rose, I am so sorry things are so hard at your end, too.
Sigh ... pretty much you are right on. Thing is, I keep things stable. Once we split then the instability with show as will my instability because I will be looking for work; more "daycare" for them, more time away from mom and dad ...
My older dd had a horrible night last night (she is unable to fall asleep on her own and feels greatly shamed and I have run out of ways to try and help her) ... her self-esteem is so low on that point and others and she sees the world through a very dark lense (just like her mom); born that way--nothing I did wrong; my other dd is miss mary sunshine--but it is killing me because this divorce is going to destroy her. I am gonna insist we start "play therapy" with her asap to try to build her up just a bit before the ax falls in late April.
Thanks again for being here!
M
M- My five year old DD also cannot fall asleep on her own. She did as an infant and toddler and then we moved and that was the end of that. Since then I have had to cuddle her to sleep. I have started a new routine with an earlier bedtime, quiet time in their rooms playing their leapster vidoegames. Then I put on a lullaby CD and gradually dim the lights. My younger DD often falls asleep on her own, but the older one will force herself to stay awake until I arrive. She can nap at school (daycare) at times, although not consistently, so I know she can fall asleep. I have been trying to tell her that even if she does fall asleep before I arrive to cuddle her that I will still give her cuddles no matter what. I will celebrate the day that she does go to sleep on her own. Se also ends up waking up most night and crawling into my bed. I try to check on her in the middle of the night and make sure that she is well covered, I think that she is sometimes cold which is why she ends up in my bed.
Listen, I know you are struggling with not being a SAHM anymore but try not to beat yourself up about that. I love children and everyone had me pegged as a SAHM. But I also had a career I had worked hard for. I found a daycare that I loved for my babies and continued with my career. My time with the girls is precious to me and I make the most of it. The odd day I play "hookie" and spend a day with the girls. They love those days. But they also love their friends and activities at daycare. Life will find its balance for you. It really will. I know you are not choosing for any of this to happen, but you are making lemonade out of lemons. It will be ok. Have you seen 'The Secret' on Oprah? You might want to pick up the DVD. It seems to be inspiring a lot of people. Maybe it will help give you some hope. That coupled with your faith and you will do just great. You are a smart lady....hang in there M....
Rose