Psycho New Wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Psycho New Wife
10
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 9:59pm

So my ex-H and the gf he moved in got married after exactly one year of living together & one year of engagement. They've been married for a few mos. and even though they argue'd before, their arguing seems to have gotten worse --- even though she had told my son that after their dad & her got married, it would "get better". Recently she told my daughter that "the doctor said they should argue once a wk to get it out". I have no clue what that meant, I mean are they in counseling after a few mos. of marriage?! I know one huge fight happened over my ex inviting me to the kids b-day party w/out asking her. She basically told him to un-invite me, but then a few days later text me at 3 a.m. & then again the next day asking me to come --- I guess to appease him...I declined obviously b/c I've tried to stay as far away as possible to any of their drama. He's not marriage material (although I think she's probably even less than he is) and I knew it would be a disaster just like our marriage was. I just don't know how long it's all going to drag out or how much the kids will be exposed to before it's all over? They are both "perfectionists" & "over-achievers" and came together with the premise & idea that a marriage together would somehow be better than the ones they had before with other people --- so, I know they would not want to "fail". In some ways, I wonder if they couldn't go on another 20 years...then I just sort of laugh b/c it doesn't seem like they would be able to make each miserable for that long. Either way --- the stuff she says to and in front of the kids just seems way off --- like trying to "explain" their arguing away. Not to mention some of the other things she's told my daughter - like she won't take her wedding ring off til the day she dies. My daughter also heard her tell my ex about me coming to their b-day party --- "what if you talk to her, more than you talk to me?" I'm like --- they're married now (even tho they will have no kids together b/c he got a vasectomy after our 2) and she wants for them to buy a house together. I guess this is/was all supposed to make her feel more secure --- which she never will b/c my ex will never make a woman feel secure & to top it all off I believe my he pretty much still loves me --- even though he would never admit it. Regardless of that, she's definitely a little off in the head --- which would be great if I had an exH that I had no kids w/....sigh. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2012
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 1:41am

I agree with MCPayton, your concern should be raising your children. Concentrate on their development and always answer any questions concerning EX/DW in an honest and thoughtful way. Kids are smarter than we adults give them credit for and likely already sense trouble is brewing.

Forget any suspected love interest in you by your EX. You are going to a place you really don't want to be. Except for the kids your EX/DW are really two different people and you need to focus on your life not theirs.!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 10:55pm

Yes - my kids have treated her with respect (they are still young of course) - and I have held my tongue many times. When their dad would complain about things concerning her & therefore they would complain to me, I would just say, that's your dad's wife, he chose her ---period...lol. However, with the crazy stuff she's said to my daughter (and I haven't went written half of it), I finally reached my limit with the last episode when my daughter asked me if a girl had ever asked me out? I'm like...ummmm....what?? I'm like - why are you asking me that --- then she preceded to tell me that her dad's wife had told her that some girl from her job had asked her out...really? At that point, I just lost my cool and said - just ignore her. Seriously - if she has such little brains that she can't differientate what is appropriate and not appropriate to tell an 8 year old child (when even my eight year old children know how much that she says that's not appropriate - without any input from me), then me being nice about things by just nodding and going along with the stupidity would be just as stupid - so...in my book - she would be no different than anyone else that my kids come in contact with on a regular basis and they will know that those are things that she should be discussing with other adults - not her "step-kids". Sigh....

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 7:58pm
Laurel, hello! It has been a while. Just wandering the boards after a crazy week with the migration. I couldn't do anything with google chrome, and had to go back the explorer. What a mess. Anyways, I was tickled to see your post and just wanted to say hello. I think the last poster really nailed it on the head. Just keep talking to your kids and like you said, as they get older, it gets a bit easier when it comes to some things like this.
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 4:56pm
That's the truth! Not even great sex can keep a marriage together if the relationship is going bad, so a screaming, pooping baby isn't likely to help anything at all. Since you can't control the behavior of others, my only advice is to tell your kids that whether they like the new wife or not, they need to treat her with respect, and then hold your tongue whenever you feel like letting them know how crazy you think she is. Kids are smart enough to figure out things for themselves, so you don't really need to say anything anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sat, 10-27-2012 - 9:01pm

Ditto to everything poster said below ---- reversable vasectomy's only have 50% success rate concerning pregnancy and he had it done over 5 years ago --- so his chances are way slimmer than that. And to top it all off - he is way set on not having anymore kids....so - that's not even really topic for discussion --- only thing they will ever have together is marriage & -possibly- a house together. I couldn't imagine them adopting...but if they did - that would just be another nightmare & wouldn't mean anything concerning keeping them together. Houses, kids, marriage etc. don't keep people together...they only make bad relationships worse and leaving more difficult.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 12:37pm

Hi,

Vasectomy reversals that are successful are very rare. Plus, most insurance policies don't cover them as they are elective procedures. They cost upwards of $20K. Plus,  the longer since he's had the vasectomy, the less chance of a successful reversal. Most doctors won't even discuss it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 10-25-2012 - 10:22pm

Laurel I was thinking are your ex and new wife still young enough to have kids?? what would  happen if she forced him to get a reversible vasectomy  cause you know that is coming down the pike. It sort of seals the marriage deal right?? Or can they adopt or get a surrogate or something??

What do you think? I know Dr.Phil had a vastecomy and he had it reversed and then had another child with his wife. He only wanted one kid and she wanted another one. Apparantley it worked because she got pregnant.. after that.

So how is this woman going to keep her man if they have no bio kids together. I guess she is going to have to keep him in style. Have you ever thought of that? Is he a kept man?? From your previous postings that is what it sounds like??

take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 5:26pm

Yes - exactly - he will not be fathering anymore children - his only redemptive quality...ever! lol

Oh - and maybe there was some confusion about what I said - the new wife wasn't concerned about the kids talking to me too much, but my exH talking to me too much at their b-day party --- she's a silly insecure one for sure! Of course no doubt he's made her that way - she's just okay with it, at least for now it seems...eye on the prize type of chic I suppose...winning at all costs to the soul.

But she has repeatedly told the kids things that I would consider inappropriate for their age - I did exactly what you had said which was told them when she says things that they don't feel that they should be hearing, that they should tell her that maybe she needs to talk to their dad about it. Thank goodness they are getting older now & have more ability to think for themselves & question what they are being told or shown by her & their father --- so that they don't see these things as "normal". And even tho I knew it was going to be a disaster when it all started & hated that my children were so young & impressionable (they were 5 at the time they got together), I now feel more confident when they talk to me about it & I can correct some of it. They are smart kids and I'm sure at some point, lights will go off that steer them in the right direction with it all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 5:09pm

Yep Laurel. It sounds like your ex just never learned his lesson and his dysfunctional self got together with another dysfuntional woman and they are dysfunctional together.. It is very classic textbook..

The only heartbreaking thing I see is that the kids have to be in this.. It is so very sad that they will continue to grow in this dysfunctional mess and then what?? they will be a product of their environment..Just more statistics in the making and its so very sad.

what I would do if they arent already is have the kids in therapy and have them attend the school psychologist or do everything in your power to help them deal with this insanity..

Then let your ex and wifey live happily ever after (NOT).. just watch and let the karma bus run them over.

Good Luck and take care

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 11:55am

Hi,

Sounds like your EX has his hands full! (laugh here, it is ironic, is it not?)

My one concern is that his wife does NOT make your children feel responsible for HER feelings aka talking to you (their mother) "more" than they talk to her. Huh? That's her trash and should not be the responsibility of your children to monitor or make sure she gets "equal time." All that says to me is she's very insecure. Explain as best you can to your children that it's not their job to "worry" about how much time she gets with you vs. her. In fact, I'd equip them with a little phrase like, "You need to talk to Dad about that." Something neutral and puts it back into her court.

I hope your EX is smart enough NOT to buy a house with this woman. It'll just be another "thing" they fight about.

Sounds like this marriage will wind up in a pile too. Some people never learn. At least he's not going to be fathering more children!