Put a fork in me.....I'm done

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
Put a fork in me.....I'm done
2
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 9:45am

Good day to all,
Some times I wonder if God believes I'm a linebacker! Being a Christian, I am well aware that God only gives what we can handle. But I swear I may look like a linebacker on the outside, but I'm just a teeny tiny little woman one the inside.

I've posted before that I have alot going on in my life, the major stresses are not to my doing they were things that, no matter what I would of done different would of still happened. These are the things that are eating at my soul. My sisters death, although I miss her tremendously was also very life altering in a positive way. I am trying to take better care of me on the inside and out. Her husband, whom I dearly love and am helping as much as I can, (they live in a different state) is starting to wear me down emotionally. He is drinking, and after a 15year relationship with an alcholic, I have no tollerence for. I've tried directing him in a positive way. Set him up with a widdowers group and have asked him to seek counseling on his alchol. But is so exhausting and then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do.

My dads cancer though sad, exspecially for my dear mother is being handled. They live close and I can help them emmensly.

My daughters roadtrip with ADD is being, I feel considered in the right form. We are taking steps in the right direction.

The reason for this post is last night I woke up from a nightmare, it shook me so bad that I was afraid to go back to sleep. My children are at there dads for the weekend, and this seems to be my most emotional time. I guess there is just to much time to think. I hate divorce, I hate being by myself and in times like these I ponder should I have just stuck it out.

I don't miss the rage of alchol, nor do I miss him pissing all over the place, the taking home of drunk buddies, the dealing with the cleanups and all the other garbage that came with his alcholic binges.

The children are safe for those who wonder, how I could send my children to an alcholic, he lives with his parents who are wonderful people and the girls are in a supervised enviorment. It was part of our court order and it was a good one.

I'm not looking for a partner, life is to complicated and I think this ole woman is to tired to even consider looking that route. Its to early we have been seperated for 15months and divorced sine 3/06. I'm just tired and lonely. And I guess today whinny!
I'm scared, confused,and exhausted. School is a challenge, yet it has become my new lover. After being out of school 30years it has become quite an adjustment. Sometime fullfilling sometimes overwhelming. How does a person keep going, not that I would take my life or anything that drastic. Its just that my bed and the covers over my head for a week or so sounds inviting.

I just needed a place to land and wheter or not this is read, I feel better. I'm new to the computer world. JUST bought this computer in Sept. my brother introduced me to the world of the internet. For me its like a big library where someone threw all the books on the floor:) But helpful.

Well enough missysue, must get some work done, going to make that bed so I do not climb back in an become turtle woman. Hope you have a sunshinny day and find smiles to greet you.
Mama

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 10:00am

hey MAMA!

you sound like you are definately on the road to a healthy recovery. you are doing ok - you will be fine. i just wanted to give one itsy bitsy bit of advice: please allow yourself to be selfish, eery now and then. that's what will keep you going. your BIL? you've been great for him, but maybe you need to take a step backwards. i am not saying to just drop him out there - but you don't have to solve all his problems. listen to him for a few minutes and then "oh bill, look, I really want to talk to you, but i . can we talk next week?". etc.

i know what yo umean about school, as i said in a previous reply to you, i also went back to school at an old, hot-flashy, age. its a tremendous challenge especially since i am also working a very demanding FT plus job. but - it's great. i am workign hard on rebuilding my new 'me' - and i love it!

hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 11:49am

I can't even begin to tell you how much "journaling" on the board... and off the board... really helped me.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~