Q-About H's feelings
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| Thu, 11-02-2006 - 12:02pm |
Hello
I just asked H for a separation on Monday. We spoke about it 2 weeks ago and I have decided that it is what we really need. Long story short - We've been together for 8 years and have had an awful intimate life and wonderful friendship. We are both in T (seprately). The tension in the house was thick and we're sleeping separately and things weren't getting any better - only worse. So the separation things is being approached as a way to maybe reconnect in some way - maybe something will spark, but I need to focus on my emotions and feeling and not deal with the stress and look at our M from a different perspective.
So my Question is: As I have been telling my H how I have been feeling for a long time, I feel a mixture of relief and guilt. I feel guilty because I am not "in love" with my H. I feel terrible about that and I also know that he will be having a full range of emotions. He was understandably upset for a period. Right now he is angry. He actually said he thinks he found a place to live already! Anyway - I feel responsible for the fact the when I said "I DO" I promised to take is heart into my custody and protect it and nurture it - and instead I am breaking it. I want to wrap H up in a blanket and take care of him until he gets over this. But that's really another part of our problem - I have been taking care of him for 8 years, cooking, cleaning, being the breadwinner, etc. ANYWAY - is my reaction that I want to protect him (from myself, no less) normal? Anyone experience these emotions. How do I handle my own emotions and deal with the guilt of what my H will be going through also?

Hi Slynn,
Welcome to the board!
The one thing about divorce (or separation) is that the
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I, too, was beset by guilt and pity when I separated from my ex-husband. He was not taking care of our relationship at all--in fact, he resisted attempts to work on it through two years of couples therapy--and we had no sex life. But I absolutely hated to see his anguish and befuddlement.
The best thing is to remember that he is responsible for himself, and to recognize your desire to take care of him as misguided. You need a partner, not a person to drag you down with them. If you are like me, you have neglected things that you need to develop as a person, and rushing back to take care of him is a little too comfortable. Be kind to yourself.
--recreating
Slynn:
I recognize myself in your posting. I remained in a marriage much like what you describe for many years laboring under the same feelings of guilt and (misplaced?) responsibility. In my case I advised my wife many times over almost a five year period that unless things changed we were headed for divorce; she now freely acknowledges that she was in denial all that time, and made no effort to come towards me or work to improve things.
When I finally retained an attorney and sent a letter proposing a collaborative divorce, she was shocked ("Shocked!"). At that point she insisted we get counseling, somehow having forgotten my years of pleading for counseling, providing her lists of counsellors to choose from etc. So me trying yet again, we tried once more, but by this time it was too late. Eventually the emotional agony got too much for me and I had my attorney actually file a traditional divorce, and moved out.
It was only then that my healing process began. I have a long way to go, and too many years of staying with it have damaged me in some ways, but things are getting better. What I know is that I did what I could as long as I could (and longer than I should have), and that is my only response at this point to the guilt of which you speak.
At some point I realized that my dying emotionally was not helping our relationship. The rescuer sometimes can be drowned by the desperate victim, and both die, one needlessly. Be careful of yourself; there is only so much one can do for an unwilling other.
The physical separation has allowed me room and time to breathe and to get reconnected with my own life and personality (hence the handle I adopted here!). Take the time to recognize who you are and how far you will need to go to get re-established before you even think about trying to go back. You have my best wishes.
Rediscovering