Question about Custody

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Question about Custody
7
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 4:43pm

Hi I am new to the board. I have been lurking and decided that I would ask a question.
I am in Florida. Our state is a "no fault" state.

I took my 2 1/2 year old daughter with me in September and moved into an apartment (from a 3 bedroom home ) when I found out my husband was having internet and phone sex. It was the last straw in a 3 1/2 year marriage where i was a SAHM and verbally abused and watched my marijuana dependent, alcoholic, depressed husband lose 3 jobs, and basically remove himself emotionally from me and my daughter.

I didn't sign a lease, and the stay was temporary ( both agreed) so we could try to figure things out without having our daughter be witness to fighting and me being sad all the time. Well, he tried to win me back for about two weeks and then took me off the checking account. Then he gave me an ultimatum. I told him that right now I couldn't see being with him...needed time..didn't know what the future held...so, he changed the locks on the house and served me with papers. All within 1 month of me leaving!

So, the first few months, he didn't see our daughter that much. Only did when he wanted to and sometimes would cancel. He also didn't pay any child support and would call and harrass me daily about me being with men, going out partying and leaving my daughter with people...this did not EVER happen. He also said he had pictures of me with guys. I told my laywer I felt afraid of the harrassment because he also said he would beat up people i was with and she said there is nothing I could do unless he did something to me.

So, I was fed up with not being able to get my daughter on a schedule of seeing him. I mean, she has a right to see him and I want her to. It wasn't fair. So, I had my lawyer draw up a stipulation for visitation and they gave it to my husbands lawyer. They NEVER RESPONDED. The next letter was a few weeks later and my lawyer included that he shoudl be paying child support. All of a sudden, since Feb he wants her "verbally" every other weekend and both wednesdays. This is totally wonderful!

We go to our first 'judge meeting" and his lawyer says to mine that he now wants her wed-sun every other weekend and every wed. That is 50%! I have read alot of things and my laywer told me that lawyers try this tactic to have the man get out of child support. Is this true? She says he can't see her more than 40% a year?

I think we won't make any leway in mediation because he is controlling and wont bend on anything. If this goes to a judge, will I have a good chance at primary with him having visitation? i have read alot about judges wanting joint for younger children. I am totally cool with her seeing him alot, but I do need some child support. Does the amount of time he sees her really effect the child support amount? The arrangement we have now is working out great for our daughter. She is thriving and doing well. I talk to her about what divorce means, and that we both love her and I tell her when he will pick her up..i talk to her positively about him. He has told me in the past that he has asked her things about what I do...this is wrong too!! What are everyone's thoughts, ideas, experiences?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 5:16pm

Hello Celexa...

I am not that familiar with Florida law but I can answer some general questions.

Child support is based on many factors those include: Income of both parents, age of child, health care costs, day care costs and custody arrangements. There is a perception that dad's will try to get more time with the children to get out of paying CS, there is also the perception that mom's will fight that in order to get more money from dad. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.

Mediation can be really helpful in getting even the most stubborn and manipulative of ex's to at least try and work out some stuff together. Believe me these mediators are pros and they have seen it all, they can cut through the BS real quick and get things back on track. As for bringing studies and internet info into mediation I don't think it would make much of a difference, again the mediators and judges know the data and statistics and they do not apply to every case.

It is great that you speak positively about your daughters dad, she will grow to love and appreciate you for that. Unfortunately you cannot force your ex to behave himself. You are in the very beginning of this process and emotions and stress are high, he may stop once things are more settled. The state I live in requires all divorcing parents to attend a workshop designed to teach them how to help their children cope. Ask you attorney if this is offered or required in FL.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 6:34pm

First things first..don't panic and get yourself all upset. Like you, in the beginning, I was worried about every worst-case scenario...somehow losing custody, becoming a pauper...etc.

My STBX makes more than twice what I do. He is in the process of buying a nice three bedroom house. I rent half of a two-family house. I read your other post too, and I REALLY don't think a judge is going to look upon you negatively just because your STBX owns a home and you don't.

As for support. Since your STBX makes much more than you, even with a 50/50 custody split, it is almost certain you would get some support. My STBX and I have a near 50/50 split (slightly more in my favor, due to job circumstances) and I do get child support. It is VERY unlikely since you were an SAHM for years that you would get no support at all.

Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 7:12pm
Yes the 50/50 custody arrangement does effect CS. We have a 50/50 and I recieve only $69/mo for two children. Hugs, Brenda
PS. My ex makes 3 times what I do.


Edited 3/3/2006 7:13 pm ET by mebrenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 11:53am

50% custody doesn't necessarily mean no support.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 3:58pm
Go to court. Do not give him that visitation schedule. Make sure you have documented every time he said he would see her but didn't. My friend had this arrangement and received no child support. He then moved about 200 miles away only seeing the boys once a month. She now has to pay her attorney to go back to court and change the order. If you believe that he will not excercise his visitation, try to get the least amount possible that way you will be entitled to support. Also, in FL if the home was purchased during the marriage, you are entitled to 50% of the equity. Do not forfeit that!!! Considering the cpst of real estate and the boom in the market that could be a substantial amount depending on where you live in FL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 3:38pm
Oh that is just awful. I am so sorry. It just doesn't seem fair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 3:42pm
Yes, I live in Tampa. Our house is 7 years old and went from $110K to $250K. His lawyer is this big shot from Miami Dade who bragged he just finished a 30K case through court over this same issue. I am not giving in to him on this. It isn't about money but I know for a fact that he won't continue to see her. He didn't see her at all until Feb when he was threatened to pay support ( which he still doesn't) thank for the support :)