Question about my inlaws....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Question about my inlaws....
7
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 6:50pm

Hi

I'm wondering what everyone is doing about your inlaws. Now that you are separated or divorsed does that mean you automatically cut off all ties with your inlaws?
STBX and I separated 3 months ago now but we talk all the time still, sometimes daily. He told me the other day if it doesn't work out with me and my new boyfriend - that he would like to take me on a date and start over. Hmmm...I don't think that would work but anyway.
STBX is an only child and he's never been very close with his parents. (he was a difficult teenager- and still really hasn't outgrown the "difficult" phase). I was very close with his parents. I seemed to be the daughter they never had but wanted. They still say I was the best thing that ever happened to their son and they were devastated when we separated, although they told me that I couldn't change him or help him with his many problems and that I deserve to be happy. I still talk to his mom occasionally. She has taken this whole thing so hard.
Now its almost Mother's Day and also my father in laws birthday next week as well. Do I get them something? They have been very good to me over the past 5 years, I really want to get them something and go by this weekend to visit them. Will that be doing the right thing? And what do I call them now? I was calling them Mom and Dad before, but now that might not be appropriate?
STBX told me the other day that his parents don't like me very much any more cause of the separation. I don't beleive him though- he always makes stuff up, and I know he doesn't want me talking to them (I brought up that it was Mothers day and the birthday and that I wanted to get them something). He has told them not to talk to me and me not to talk to them. However we all talk anyways, we just don't tell him. The last time (just over a week ago) that I talked to his mom, she told me that they both love me.

So what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 8:04pm

Don't do what your ex says and don't do what we say. Do what your gut says feels right.

It is perfectly fine to maintain a relationship with them if you both want that. Your are divorcing him, not them. You have the same right to talk to them and send them a card or stop by and say hi as any person does, because they seem to want that too. If you had never married their son and were just a close friend of the family, you could still have been the daughter they never had, and you can still keep being that.

I email pictures of dd to my ex-MIL and ex-SIL. I just saw my ex-SIL last week when I took dd over there while on vacation (she lives 5 minutes from my sister, and if I didn't take dd to see her and her children, they would go several years without seeing dd).

My ex doesn't dictate who any of my relationships with, and he can't say someone is off limits just because they are related to him. I can see where he might be uncomfortable with it, and it's fine to respect him and not flaunt it in his face. If they invite you both to a family function, you might want to politely decline for his sake. But it is certainly fine to keep communicating with them directly and not letting him know unless he asks.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 10:53pm

Follow your heart.

I still speak with my ex MIL and SIL.

K :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 12:27am
I am still very close with my x-mil from my first marriage. We talk on the phone a couple times a week and she takes my son for weekends. She has him at least 1 weekend per month. She also takes him for a few days a month during summer break from school. My 1st husband hasn't seen our son in over 2 years. That's a whole different story, but I would like to say that his not seeing son is by his choice. My 2nd husband adopted my son last March. I consider my x-mil a friend of mine. I never called her mom, so that wasn't an issue for me. Maybe you could ask them what they would like you to call them now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2005
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 9:58pm

Sounds to me like you already have it figured out. You don't have to cut them out...they can become your friends instead of your relations.

I still talk to my xMIL, and my SIL lives 3 houses away. My xMIL is better to me than my own mother, so I don't want to just cut her out. Eventually it might fade, but I think they will always be my friends, and I always want to show my appreciation, therefore I still send cards and gifts when appropriate. They are after all, my children's grandparents, and sometimes my biggest support system!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 2:00am

i have maintained relations with my inlaws from my first marriage

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 10:23pm

My inlaws and I still remain close, more than a year after my divorce... I still call them my inlaws even... and one day before the divorce, my MIL said that even though her son and I were divorcing I would always be her DIL, which I thought was as sweet as it could be...

My inlaws (his parents and two brothers) are both important in my son's life... we see each other at least once a week... is our Sunday activity... xh lives several states away, so that part of it really isn't an issue...

Do what feels right in your heart... I never called my il's Mom and Dad, so that wasn't an issue for me either, but that is definitely something that can be figured out... and don't let your stbx dictate your relationship with anyone... I am even still friends with a guy who was once his best friend (before he moved out of state)... that really makes my xh mad, but he no longer has any right to say anything...

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 10:44pm

Hi Julie.... good to see ya!


Anything new happenin'?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~