Question about red flags

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2011
Question about red flags
9
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 12:53pm
For those of you who have been divorced, I am wondering how many of you had red flags about your marriage either before you got married or in the first few years of your marriage. The reason I ask is that it scares me to death if a relationship can seem completly great for years and then suddenly things change for the bad and end in divorce. Is it more likely that there were red flags when a relationship ends in divorce?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 1:15pm
There always are red flags but the problem is that we choose to ignore them and believe that there is a reason for this issue and once those reasons are gone , things will be normal again. Sometimes they do while at other times they dont.

Whats bothering you ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2011
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 1:20pm
That's the thing-- nothing is bothering me. That's why I was asking that. I am scared of the idea that you can be completely blissful one day and divorced the next (I don't have a lot of good marriage role models). It scares me that even if things are so perfect, we could end up unhappy some day (obviously we will do everything we can to avoid that).
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 1:23pm

Hi;

This is an easy one for me..

Back in 1995 I met a man and we started dating .. He appeared as the greatest man I had

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 9:30pm

I don't think you could live your life worrying about what might happen if things are good now.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 10:43am

Mrskp,

We live and learn. Part of surviving divorce is questioning what happened to cause a divorce. This is normal. When you get hurt you don't want to get hurt again. So, it's natural to wonder what "redflags" we should have paid attention to or known about somehow to prevent that pain.

I met my first husband at 22 and married him at 25. I didn't learn until after our divorce that he was the child of an alcoholic. He never talked about it and it explained a lot of things I found odd or frustrating during our 12 year marriage. I was very young and naive when we dated and married. It would have never occured to me to ask about his upbringing because no one in my family drank or used drugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 11:26am

Yes - I definitely had red flags but chose to ignore them. And my ex has a new fiance & I can say for sure that she knows how he is, but chooses to ignore those things & will soon be marrying him :smileyindifferent:

What I have came to realize --- is that there are a lot of men out there that want the companionship of a female - as well as sex etc. - but they really don't want to commit to that one woman. Another fact is - there are many men out there that are controlling, selfish, insecure etc (not saying this doesn't apply to women as well). But when we see all of these things popping up - we can often ignore it - b/c we want something to be a certain way - so badly. Desparation is soooo key to this whole equation. So we as women see all this when we start dating - but we usually have some type of agenda w/kids marriage etc. or need so badly to be "loved" - that we ignore these signs & still move full force in a certain direction - even if we know we will end up regretting it later.

So - it's one thing to be able to identify red flags - and another to actually take note of them and allow them to make decisions - rather than our emotions or our vulnerableness.

I will say like a previous poster - that once you have spent so many years of your life in an unhappy relationship b/c you did ignore the signs - that you are definitely on your toes if another one comes along - and you don't usually put up w/anything at all! lol

I think we as a whole - would just be a lot smarter - if we look at it like - I know my chances of this relationship ending or divorcing - are great - but I'm still going to do it anyway - lol. And also - the idea of marriage in itself - to me - is almost outdated. We should be in a time where we do realize that nothing lasts "forever" - even though we so badly don't want to believe that fact. It's just like death - no one wants to talk about it or understand that it's a true part of life - therefore very few are actually prepared for it when it happens. But it does - and so does divorce. So either just don't marry and just enjoy the relationship for what it is - or if you do decide to marry - still work to protect yourself and understand the possible consequences of doing so.

Hope this helps?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 07-18-2011 - 5:42pm

If my H and I divorce, I don’t think I will ever marry again.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 1:04pm
For me there was huge red flags and silly me thought he would change after we got M. (divorced twice by mid-thirties) Instead, the shortcomings of both H's got worse.

I also think though, that there is the con artist who can in some respects live a double life. But I think that is an exception, and not the rule.

I don't know KP, there are no guarantees in life. Everyone is different and if we stay status quo out of fear, then life would be very safe and boring.

I wouldn't over think it. Even after 2 divorces I wouldn't change anything. I have great kids and an wonderful SO with no current plans to marry.

Honestly if me and SO had kids together, I don't know if would make it. I think the universe knows what is best and I am not going to question it.
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 3:13pm

Serenity - I totally agree w/your post & why is it that as much as we've heard over & over - that marriage isn't going to change someone - do we really continue to think that??! I'm not sure why we (especially us women!) put so much stock in marriage?? It's like we fall in love w/someone - don't see their flaws for awhile - and then when we do, we think that marriage will change them. So we hang on for the ring & marriage & then after we're married and see that nothing is going to change --- we hang on just a bit longer b/c we made that commitment :smileyindifferent: It's all so ridiculous. Very few people either take marriage seriously enough to work on themselves & improve certain behaviors - or - are just willing to put up w/the other person & their flaws in order to honor their commitment. If anything - once you're married, all your problems and their flaws are magnified & become much more intense b/c you feel as if you are stuck w/them for life! Thus either divorce or misery :smileywink:

Like you - I also don't (really) regret anything b/c I did get a few kids out of the deal, but I know concerning any future relationship (where there's nothing else that I stand to gain b/c I'm not having anymore children) I will have no tolerance for anything. I've been single for a long time now & plan on being that indefinitely unless I find someone who is simply a complete blessing to my life - and even then, I don't plan on marrying b/c marriage says forever & the only thing I'm stuck w/forever is myself, kids & a tattoo if I decide to get one of those - lol. If people do change after marriage - it is often for the worse if anything --- so, no need for me to stick my big toe over that line again to find out. Marriage IMO is strictly for children & to have a family. So I'm fine w/out it - but I am glad I experienced what I did w/it & w/my X - b/c it totally set me up for the rest of my life to understand myself and the whole concept better so I know what to never do again.