Question about son's behavior
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| Sun, 01-29-2006 - 10:28am |
My xh recently got engaged - my 5-year-old ds doesn't seem all that comfortable with the idea. Last Friday they drove ds up to her parent's ranch to introduce her parents to ds. I was told they were introduced as her parents and not step-grandparents-to-be (though they are very excited to be step-grandparents). I think my son had a fairly OK time - a bit nervous is all I was told. He seemed excited when he came home and talked about fun things he did.
However, after ds had been home for about 20 minutes, he began hitting and scratching me. This went on for about 10 to 15 minutes before I finally was able to get him to talk to me and as far as I could make out, he is mad at me because I was not at the ranch with him. Once I got that out of him, we both cried for awhile. Then we spent some time releasing some excess energy - playing piano and banging pot lids.
Is this a fairly normal reaction? I'd like to hear from others about how their kids reacted to a parent remarrying, etc.
thanks in advance,
Abby

Bless his heart, of course he found all this upsetting. Everyone around him is all excited about the new relationships and all he knows is confusion and uncertainty. I don't think there is any typical reaction, but I don't find it odd at all that he took his frustrations out on you physically. Psychologists say that kids will "let go" and cry, rage, etc. with the person they can trust to "handle" it and still love them. That's why he was ok during the visit and had problems with you afterwards. It's because he trusts you. You did well by listening to him and helping him vent. Keep it up. My daughter showed her upset over Daddy's remarriage by becoming quiet, withdrawn and by becoming very clingy when with me. All kids are different. She's somewhat better now, but still has some problems with the competition going on in our situation.
It would be very odd that he didn't show any negative emotions about these changes. I think you're doing the right thing by listening, validating his emotions and giving him permission to vent his frustrations in a nonviolent way. My daughter has been quite upset with her father's blatant attempts for her to consider his new wife her Mommy. I sure hope this doesn't happen in your case. It's hard to cope with. Have you met the new wife yet? What does her attitude seem to be? Will there be stepsibs?
Good luck to youa ll.
Cupcake
Thanks so much for your reply... I think it makes sense that my son let me know how angry and upset he was as I have tried to make a point out of listening to him and validating his emotions in the past. He doesn't have a very strong bond with his Dad (Dad was pretty checked out when we were still married). We have had a few episodes where he has refused to see his Dad and I worry we'll have that reoccur again.
I have only briefly met the fiance...I am supposed to meet and talk to her soon. She seems fairly nice, but she mentioned in her email to me today that she had considered telling ds that she was his new step-mom this weekend because she thought that would make him less nervous. She is mid-thirties and has no children of her own and has not been married before. I think although she may mean well, she has no experience of her own to guide her and she also doesn't know my son very well. He is very strongly attached to me and I don't think he would have handled it very well if she'd told him that she was now his step-mom.
I do not know if there will be step-sibs. Based on my observations of my xh, he has very little interest in being a father (he had a vasectomy when our son was about 3 months old) - but if she really wants kids, she may be able to get what she wants. He has definitely been trying to cut me out of things and telling me that I won't be welcome at my son's events if they are going to be there. Some ugly things have been said. I do not trust him very much and since he's said he is so excited to be a family with the new gf and our son, I expect he'll keep trying to push me out of things as much as possible.
I am not sure what she's been told about me or about what happened in the past, but I am fairly sure that she doesn't know the entire truth and I imagine that most of the blame for the divorce has been put onto me. I don't care one way or the other if he's trashed me to her - as long as my son is being taken care of - physically and emotionally.
Thanks again, it helps to hear from other people on this stuff!