A question from a man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
A question from a man?
4
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 5:10pm

As I have stated in previous posts this is all new to me an I never thought I would find myself in this situation. My wife admitted to an affair and moved to her parents. At first I was hurt mad- all the crazy feelings.

Since the initial shock from a week and a half ago I have begun to try and sort things out. I have offered reconciliation and it has repeatedly been denied. I offerred to go to counseling and atleast I got a I'll think about it, but I'm pretty sure she won't.

She went to counseling for herself in Feb, I offered to go along and she said no. They said that she was depressed and that the only way to be happy was to make herself happy, so with that great advice here I am.

Over the past few days I have talked to several people about my situation and the men who have gone thru this have all said the same story, depression that led to an affair. A few have reconciled after and others have divorced and the ex-wife seems to always return at some point and time.

Almost all of the cases have involved women in their 30's is there a pattern out there.

I'm not trying to start an arguement but only trying to see what I can do. Any suggestions in trying to get my wife to atleast go to counseling.

JDW

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 5:47pm
Unfortunently you can't make her go, or make her want to go. She's going to have to want to do that on her own. After you've tried everything you can, which it sounds like you have, then all you can do is wait and see. I think this is the hardest part, it sucks. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 6:21pm

Dear jdwamazed,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I was 31 when I had an affair with a man I used to work with. My husband and I were married 5 years at the time and together 12. Yes, I was definitely depressed I believe - and confirmed when I sought counseling. But I was more lonely and starved for attention from my husband, with whom I was not a priority. I did not seek out an affair, but I was primed for it. And I fell in love with this man. That said, I seperated from my husband. That was 2 years ago. We have since tried to reconcile several times. But, I think too much damage was done and ultimately we are two different people who can't meet each other's needs. The fact that you are willing to try counseling and tear it down to start anew speaks to your character and love for your wife. Maybe she is surprised by your reaction and just needs more time to let it settle. My husband's reaction threw me for a loop and I didn't know how to handle him wanting to work it out. Maybe she just needs some more time and space. I know it sucks to be in that waiting game. I'm on the other end of it now. I hope things work out for you.

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 7:50pm

I personally don't think it's much of a woman thing. I had the same thing happen to me with the depression/affair/wanting out etc. but it was my husband who dragged me through it. He did agree to work on it the first time, but I had the rug pulled out from under me several more times before I had enough. All you can do at this point is take care of yourself and your children. Let her do her thing.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 10:44pm

JDW,

Again, kudos to you for wanting to rebuild.

I have to agree that it isn't really a gender-based thing. I think often the party who wants out has a lot of issues and often confusion. Sometimes mental illness is involved. Sometimes the departing party has good reasons to leave, of course. But, the personal crisis reason (whether they preceive it that way or not) is one that covers both men and women.

I am so so sorry you are where you are.

M