Questioning myself... how do you know...
Find a Conversation
Questioning myself... how do you know...
| Mon, 12-18-2006 - 1:04pm |
I have to ask - for those of you a little further in the process than I am - do you (or did you) have regrets about getting divorced? H and I are waiting until after the holidays to split (for the sake of the kids ages 4 and 2). He has been a miserable partner with very few moments of joy in our lives. We had some stresses as everyone does, but he has a nasty habit of kicking me when I'm down. He also has a very bad temper and is full of rage. He decided to leave, and admitedly I was very very upset. But after some time to think I realize that we are not well matched partners. I anticipate that we should be able to very amicable as divorced co-parents. But I am already pining to be close to him again. The thing is I know any happiness would be short lived. We are a mismatch and most of the time I just don't like him. In the last month the only time there hasn't been any anxiety of stress between us (aside from the times he isn't home) is when we talk about getting divorced and wanting to remain friends for the sake of our daughters. I was feeling so confident that this was the right thing to do for the last couple of weeks and now I feel crushed that we are doing this to our children. Is this normal? I have asked him to go to counselling (we went to one session to gether but both see our own counsellors now) - he doesn't want to go anymore. The holidays are just making me feel worse (despite how much I love them!). How do you know that divorce is the right thing? My heart is already breaking for our daughters - the anxiety of telling them and helping them deal with this is killing me....How do you know its time to call it quits?

Just sending HUGS. I have 4 yo and 6 yo dds. We, too, are waiting to tell. I am the one that wants to save the marriage and h wants out. I can't advise you, though; my situation is different from yours. My spouse has made up his mind though that it is intolerable to stay married, no matter the pain to our children from divorce. That's his perspective ... not mine. I would and do put up with a lot because I think my kids are better off even in the marriage as it is. My perspective ... not his.
So, no help, just hugs!
M
Is it so bad to give your daughters a
I know we are happier when he is not at home with us causing tension and sucking most of the joy out of life's simple pleasures. He can be a really great person - always the life of the party - but when it comes to day to day life - he just is no fun at all. I hate that - he wants out (cause I'm no fun to him). I think I am ok with that - if it weren't for our children we would have split a couple of years ago....
Thanks again,
Rose
My ex husband was the life of the party and the Zombie of the home.
I moved out and found true love.
rosecolouredspecs,
I think it's sadness from the holidays talking. If you, logically, know that you shouldn't be with your husband and are now waffling at this time of year, that's what I'd say.
I'm in a different position from you. It's I that want the divorce and have been in the process for quite some time now. But this is a really difficult time of year - you can just see all the love flowing with everyone around you. This is my first Christmas in this position and I thought I could be strong, but I've had some really sad moments.
Sending you hugs and best wishes to stay strong and get through the holidays ..... You can do it. Just think about your future and what's best for you and your kids.
Carole
Hi There,
I have been divorced since 7/06 (separated for 20 months before that). I decided that the bad was worse than the good was good. What good did he bring to their (our) lives, and what bad was he doing to me (us).
I was a SAHM for 10 years, and took my kids to live with my parents after catching my EX in some skeezy gambling/embezzling issues... I thought we were unsafe to be in our own home. He cleared out "our" bank account, so I left with 35.00 in my wallet, and nothing else until my parents loaned me money to hire a lawyer...
I never looked back once. All I kept thinking was... DO I WANT MY DAUGHTER'S THINKING THIS IS OK? WOULD I WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE MARRIED TO THIS?
Never once regretted my decision... 2 years later, we are all very happy, and my girls are doing great!
I separated years ago, and not still divorced, but I don't regret any of the steps that have taken me out of my ex's house.
I do regret that it did not work out, and I am sorry for some of the choices we made - his getting involved before we were done, me being unclear on my expectations.
But I do not regret neither getting involved with him in the first place (he is a decent man, or at least he used to be), nor walking out on him. I did manage well on keeping my kid happy, and happy she is. She sees that she can see her dad even more today than when we lived together "better and more, even if less regularly" is what she says.
My biggest regret is not doing it earlier, before he had the time to act miserably, before he got a lover, and before my 40ies - tough to find a new man now... life is too busy.
Rose, I hope it will all work out for the best for you. I am sorry you feel it is a mismatch - perhaps it is true. Have you guys tried trial separation, to see? if you are happier when he is not there, it is a bad sign... maybe it would be easier if it could be permanent. Also, don't make it like a scary thing to the kids. In most cases, they will get out of it the one-to-one time with dad they never had...
Thanks again for sharing, every story helps!
Rose
I am hoping that we can have every part (within reason and without affecting the need to move on) of our relationship except the husband and wife part. I still am hoping to have a role in his life to some extent and I hope he will still care enough to be a part of mine. My H has had some controling and abusive tendencies and he pretty much has been a sorry excuse for a partner. I am hoping if we take that element out of the mix some of the current friction will disapate.
I am almost forty, and I had clear thoughts of wanting to leave him two years ago. There is a part of me that wishes I had - but hind sight is twenty twenty and times were different then. I am looking forward to concentrating on my career again (currently hate my job but it provides a good paycheque). I guess this is one of the hardest parts - knowing it is over but not living that way. I think if I could just move on right now and not two weeks from now - I might feel better.
Thanks again for your note,
Rose