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| Wed, 06-07-2006 - 2:49pm |
hey there! I have been separated for a 1 1/2 year and just wondering how everyone is doing. I still live with my ex husband and our two grown children (19 & 22), but need to move on and have some closure.
I put together some questions that I feel will help us all. I will share my answers as well.
1) Reasons for separation/divorce?
2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)
3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?
4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?
5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?
6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?
7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?
8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?
9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?
10) Gender, age and occupation?
11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?
12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?
13) Any other comments......
thank you for sharing!
I will answer in the second post.
hugs,
slo-pitch4

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1) Reasons for separation/divorce?
EX HUBBY HAD AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED CO-WORKER
2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)
YES, SEPARATE BEDROOMS THANKFULLY
3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?
19 AND 22 AND THEY BOTH DO NOT WANT TO BE INCONVIENCED WITH THE MOVE
4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?
I WORK PART-TIME BUT NEED TO WORK FULL-TIME
5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?
HAVE JOINED A FEW DATING SITES (INTERNET), THEY ARE FUN, CHATTING AND MET A FEW
6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?
MEETING NEW PEOPLE, MY HEALTH, MY FAMILY'S HEALTH
7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?
JOB - FINDING A FULL-TIME, GOOD PAYING POSITION, AS I NEED TO BE WORKING TO QUALIFY FOR A MORTGAGE FOR MY NEXT HOUSE, ONCE WE SELL OUR HOME
8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?
STILL LIVE TOGETHER - HE PAYS THE BILLS
9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?
WE WILL BE USING A MEDIATOR
10) Gender, age and occupation?
FEMALE, 47, OFFICE ADMIN.
11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?
LOSING THE MAN THAT I LOVE AFTER 22 YEARS OF MARRIAGE TO ANOTHER WOMAN, BUT I GOT OVER IT
13) Any other comments......
LOOKING FORWARD TO STARTING A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE AND MEETING SOMEONE SIGNIFICANT, I AM TALKING A MAN THAT IS A FRIEND, COMPANION AND WELL, U KNOW GREAT INTIMACY!
WOW! I FEEL GREAT JUST SHARING THIS
THANK YOU
1) Reasons for separation/divorce? Wow, that's a loaded question... how long do you have - lol! Mostly for neglect and mental cruelty. He's severely depressed and I couldn't take it any longer, he wouldn't work, help with the kids, tried to cheat, was addicted to alcohol, porn and video games. I could go on, but I'll spare you.
2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?) We lived together for four months while we were technically seperated. It SUCKED. We were also physically seperated for a week or two the year prior. That was easier, but I took him back that time. Now I've been divorced since 2/06.
3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with? I have two children 8 and 11. They feel great some days and crummy on others. They live with me, my ex moved across the country and has no rights to them other than visitation when I decide.
4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work? I had to go back to work when my ex lost his job and refused to get another one (I was a SAHM). I'm currently not working only because I'm about to move out of state next week.
5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people? I'm very social, I've done this naturally and without putting forth any extra effort.
6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects? I'm in love with a wonderful man, now that I sold my house I did very well and I'm not in the poor house.
7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now? Dealing with my ex when he has the kids. He's very unresponsive/passive.
8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time? I struggle with money, but hopefully this move will help in that department. My ex sometimes pays on time and it usually does not bounce. I think June 1st the child support will begin to be garnished from his wages.
9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator? I used a lawyer who was my friend and I wouldn't recommend it. She's great, but since we are friends somehow I ended up on the bottom of her list too often.
10) Gender, age and occupation? Female 36 and my last job was as a children's photographer.
11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily? My parents babysit very very rarely if I beg or have no other choice - lol. No other help was needed or asked for.
12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome? Getting regular child support payments was a biggie in the beginning and then actually getting my divorce done with was a big one too. Now that the joy of getting him out of my life has subsided, I'm trying to deal with my anger that I was treated like crap for 17 years.
13) Any other comments...... Nope, I think I got it all here.
Melanie
1) Reasons for separation/divorce?
He was verbally/emotionally abusive. He also spent all our money and maxed out the credit cards. I didn't know until collectors started calling our house.
2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)
Had to sell the house, cuz it went into foreclosure. Couldn't afford to keep it. The kids & I moved in w/my parents cuz I didn't have any $$ and still can't afford to move out on our own.
3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?
6 y.o. DD & 4 y.o. DS. I think since they were so young when we moved out (3-1/2 & 20 months), they haven't had it so bad. It's been harder on my daughter. STBX manipulates and bullies her.
4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?
Working full time.
5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?
I haven't. Everything I do is centered around the kids. Right now I feel like if I meet someone, that's great. If not, that's ok too.
6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?
kids, family, job
7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?
STBX
8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?
In court, STBX was ordered to pay only $150/month for two kids. He claims he's losing money this year. Anyway, I haven't gotten any checks yet.
9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?
lawyer
10) Gender, age and occupation?
F, 38,
11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?
Yes
12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?
Dealing w/STBX
13) Any other comments...... No
Hi slo-pitch4, this is a great idea!
1) Reasons for separation/divorce?
My husband is verbally abusive and spends a lot of money on himself only. I want to be free from him and enjoy my life.
2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)
Living separated in different states.
3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?
They all suggested I should look for another husband...
4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?
I work full-time.
5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?
I will first throw a divorce party when my divorce is fianlly over! I will give myself one year to be single before getting into another relationship. I will continue my counseling to understand what's best for me.
6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?
I will finish my Finance degree after 3 more classes. I will continue on with Master's degree. I am trying to advance in my career. I just became a middle school substitute teacher for math and science! Mommy needs to make more money for kids...
7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?
I don't have enough time... I have a husband who does not want to divorce. I want to go out with my girl friends without kids! My kindergartener may skip a grade and start 2nd or 3rd grade. I may decline it as this may become too much pressure for him with divorce...
8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?
My ex pays me half of the childcare only. The childcare expense is over 1,200.00 a month... I am so excited that my youngest starts kindergarten this year! I rent 3-bedroom townhome by myself. I can finally start saving money for the down payment of a house and rebuild my credit to excellent. Right now it is just "good" and not good enough to get a good interest rate.
9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?
I will use a lawyer.
10) Gender, age and occupation?
Female, 33, sales assistant. I down-graded my job to accomodate kids and school.
11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?
My parents will send me money with a quick phone call, but I have eliminated that from my option as they are retired and enjoying their life. They don't know about divorce, and I will not tell them until it's over. I don't want them to have a heart attack...
12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?
Fear and childcare expense. Even though my husband only verbally abuses me, I was afraid of him. I also wanted to have married status, successful one on top of that. But I realized faking does not fulfill me. Childcare expense of 3 toddlers were killers. I was not sure if I could make it all on my own neither. But I have been doing this 2 full years, and proved myself that I can. My childcare expenses will drastically go down as my youngest starts kindergarten. I will have 2 latckkey and a half-day chilcare.
13) Any other comments......
Very concerned about kids. They are all top students because I spend time with them. But this divorce may affect their confidence. I want to make sure that they understand this has nothing to do with who they are and what they do.
Separated on 3/30/98. Divorced on 7/29/99. Remarried on 10/9/99.
1) Reasons for separation/divorce?
20 years of abuse, sexual, emotional, physical, and verbal. Also he had affair after affait after affait. Brought home a STD once.
One year prior to separation, I knew we were over. I had very much emotionally detached. We had been having major arguments with him threatening (like I didn't want him to LOL) to leave for the last six months. About a month before I finally kicked him out, I met my now dh.
2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)
No, we did not. He was refusing to leave when I was trying to get him to leave. I finally told him that if he was going to stay, he would have to stay in the trailer in the carport and would only have access to the house for showers.
3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?
5-
Lee, 25yo- Schizophrenic so it's difficult to judge how he feels.
Andi, 23yo- REFUSES to get married EVER. Lots of friends with benefits and open SOs. Angry at father a lot
Bryan, 21yo- Still angry. Always angry at father.
Felicia, 19yo- Very hurt by her father
Tyler, 17yo- Refuses to have anything to do with his father. A self-avowed Mommy's boy LOL
All this and, as far as any of them are concerned, the divorce was my fault.
4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?
Unable to work due to disabilities.
5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?
This was extremely difficult and still is. We lived in a small community. X went around talking smack about me. Everyone who I thought was my friend turned their back on me. I had run the baseball assoc's snack shack successfully, the first person who had made any profit, and my profit was $4000. No one talked to me. I was just replaced. Period. My so called best friend, 12 years my senior, 10 years his, dumped me to hit on him. It was a bad time.
Now, it is hard still to really make a close friend. Trust is so hard.
6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?
Right now, nothing
7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?
My kids are screwed up. We are struggling finacially. I don't have friends. I can't work. Not good.
8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?
He had his wages garnished (a matter of course in OR). As long as he was working, I got the CS. He's $1200 in the hole due to not working for a period of time.
9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?
I used a lawyer. In OR, parents are required by law to try mediation prior to going to a custody eval, which is also required by law, and then trial.
10) Gender, age and occupation?
Female, 44yo
11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?
I got very little support from my family. Three of my sisters came to testify at trial and stabbed me in the back.
12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?
Depression
13) Any other comments......
Nope
Hey, slo-pitch4, good questions! I hope every chimes in here.
1) Reasons for separation/divorce?
thank you all for everyone's reply, so far! it is refreshing to share and realize that some of you have similiar stories and that it does get better!
thanks for the insight!
hugs,
D
1) Reasons for separation/divorce? Dishonest Husband, no intimacy
2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)Yes, sep. BR for three years
3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with? Daughter age nine she is anxious and depressed but does not know about the seperation
4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work? yes thank god went back FT three years ago. Husband just got fired at his job though by lying.
5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people? I am not ready to meet new people but have connected with trusted friends and family
6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?
job, friends, sisters, parents, great relationship with daughter, new puppy, planning 20th college reunion
7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?
Husband's unemployment and depression and my bad spending habit.
8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?
don't know yet this is still new for me just trying to stay on top of the bills and not spending out of control
9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator? I emailed my mediator friend to see if she had a conflict talking to me w/out my husband and she hasn't gotten back to me procrastinating on making the phone call.
10) Gender, age and occupation? F, 42, Human Resource Coordinator
11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily? YES and I am very fortunate
12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome? The feeling of being a failure in my love relationships I have always struggled with them and even though my husband is the unemployed depressed one I feel guilty for moving on with my life.
13) Any other comments......I am new to this board as I just decided but took 5 years to get seperated so thank you for the nice intro.
-Cheryl
1) Reasons for separation/divorce?
Mainly due to his not wanting to work on the marriage, his verbal/mental abuse, his trying to control and manipulate me and his unacknowledged porn addiction.
2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)
We did stay under the same roof during the divorce process and also until I bought my own house - 7 months total - and it sucked because fairly quickly he was trying to contact an old flame and was also checking out dating sites.
3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?
One son - 6 and sometimes seems fine, sometimes very sad, sometimes very angry. He lives with me most of the time, but really wants Mom and Dad to get back together. He is having a very difficult time now that Dad is engaged and the fiancee has moved in.
4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?
Working part-time and going back to school to get a second degree. Hoping to find a new career that will work well with being a single Mom.
5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?
I have met a few new people at work. I don't tend to see old or new friends much as I don't feel comfortable going and doing things without my son. Right now, if he saw less of me, he'd really freak out. As far as dating is concerned, would be nice to have the time to do that once my son is grown up - right now I just don't have the time or inclination.
6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?
What's working - not much, but I am doing what I can to stay positive and focused on what I need to be doing to keep moving on with my life. My relationship with my son and the good times we have is what keeps me going!
7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?
My son has special needs - so dealing with that can be pretty exhausting since I have very little support. I feel really alone.
8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?
Ex pays support on time. I am currently having to take $$ out of savings each month to make ends meet. I know I can do this for a while longer - but not for forever - so I hope that once I get my degree I can find a good paying job.
9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?
We did our divorce pro-se. Bad mistake, I think.
10) Gender, age and occupation?
F, 44, accounting type work
11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?
I get some emotional support from my family, not much. Some members think its taken me 'too long' to recover from the divorce and they have cut off contact and support.
12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?
My own depression, worry about being able to make ends meet in the future, my anger at my ex for what he put us through (it was VERY scary when I found out about the porn and what he'd looked at!) and then his apparently happy, exciting life with no worries while I am struggling day-to-day.
I am working hard on trying to kick all that in the butt. I don't want to live like that! I remind myself that it is very likely the fiancee has not much of a clue as to his true nature and he won't be able to keep up the facade for forever. Meanwhile, I am working hard on laying a solid foundation down for a happy, stable life for myself and my son.
13) Any other comments...... I sincerely hope it keeps getting better!
1) Reasons for separation/divorce?
XH was emotionally absent from the marriage, unwilling to work at saving it.
2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)
I bought a house and moved out the day we signed the separation agreement.
3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?
Rosie (now 11, 6 at separation) and Gracie (almost 7, 2 at separation). Rosie has issues with the separation, divorce, and XH's remarriage, but Gracie doesn't remember anything different. Legally we have joint custody (50/50) but he only has the girls about 30% due to depression.
4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?
I've always worked outside the home.
5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?
I spend my 30% time without the kids socializing with friends, but I'm not out seeking new friends.
6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?
Everything is working in my life, with the exception of Rosie's emotional issues. (she still hurts from her father's treatment of her (long story) and it impacts our lives alot)
7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?
see above!!
8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?
I feel more secure financially that I ever did! I bought a house WELL below my means and try try try to save alot. XH does pay his CS on time and I'm able to bank that in an account for the girls to be used for incidentals (like braces!!)
9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?
Lawyers. We discussed using a mediator before the separation, but he went out and hired an attorney who is known for getting custody for fathers. (at the time there was no question of joint.... he got goofy about 6 months after separation)
10) Gender, age and occupation?
female! 41!! scientist!
11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?
At first my parents were really upset with me for the divorce, but as they watched XH change, they came around and realized he wasn't treating me as he should.
12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?
Trying to successfully co-parent with someone who has his own very odd views on life.
13) Any other comments......
edited to add..... The biggest advice I have is to NEVER NEVER NEVER assume that your STBX will act a certain way. For example, if you don't want your STBX sleeping with a BF/GF when the kids are with them, make sure it's in your agreement. Don't take ANYTHING for granted. I don't know how many people I've mentioned that to as they put together an agreement and they say "Oh, he'll never do that!!!" and then sure enough, a couple months later one of the kids comes home and reports that "Mary" slept over Friday night and there's nothing that you can do about it! Get it in writing!!!!
Edited 6/8/2006 3:22 pm ET by callalily65
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
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