Questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Questions
30
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 2:49pm

hey there! I have been separated for a 1 1/2 year and just wondering how everyone is doing. I still live with my ex husband and our two grown children (19 & 22), but need to move on and have some closure.

I put together some questions that I feel will help us all. I will share my answers as well.

1) Reasons for separation/divorce?

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?

10) Gender, age and occupation?

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?

13) Any other comments......

thank you for sharing!

I will answer in the second post.

hugs,
slo-pitch4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 7:09pm

Separated 1/2005, divorced on 6/16/06

1) Reasons for separation/divorce?

I wish I really knew the reasons... we had a great life together... we'd been together for nearly 17 years... then he tells me he's not "in love" with me anymore... he faked trying for about a month and I was the one who filed... been a round 1 1/2 years... i miss him... people ask me if it's him i really miss... and ya, it is... there was never emotional or physical abuse... we just didn't communicate very well.

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)

I chose to move out because i couldn't afford to pay the mortgage and take care of the house at the time. It's since been sold.

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?

We never had kids.

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?

I worked the entire time we were together.

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?

I live in a small, small uninspired town... i have a small group of friends (most of whom are leaving the area... i'm soon to follow their example!!!)... meeting new people here is hard... small town mentality and all...

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?

work is ok - i'll probably be losing my job by January 07 due to the sale of the company i work for... but that's ok... i look forward to the opportunities that lie ahead... (I may miss the XH... but i'm going on with my life...)

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?

The biggest challenge is battling the depression i still feel... some days i don't even want to get out of bed...

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?

i do pretty well finacially... wish i could do better... but i do have prospects for other jobs that pay more...

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?

I used a lawyer...

10) Gender, age and occupation?

Female, 36, project manager

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?

I get emotional support from my family and friends... i don't need a babysitter and i've always been able to do things for myself...

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?

Still trying to overcome it all at this point... sometimes TIME doesn't always help...
here's a good quote for that... it's from Lord of the Rings; Return of the King... said by Frodo "How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart... you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold."

13) Any other comments......

nope

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 2:52pm

have a great weekend everyone!!

hugs!
D

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 3:27pm

1) Reasons for separation/divorce?

Wouldn't break the bond with his mother. He still took his laundry to her and she still bought his clothes. He also gave more attention to our younger two children who are ours together and I have two older boys from a previous marriage. He actually told a friend of ours that he wished he had met me before my ex so there wouldn't be ____ and ____.

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)

When I had him served he was not allowed to return to the home. He is currently living with his parents and me in our home.

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?

THe older two who are 11 and 9 are taking it ok. They miss him and it hurts that he won't talk to them or visit. The younger two, 6 & 4, cry a little. They want us all back in the same house.

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?

I am currently employed full time with a great company.

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?

I'm not making any plans to get back to anything or meet anyone. I have four little ones to concentrate on.

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?

Not much right now, LOL. I'm working on that.

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?

I am responsible for all the bills right now, no child support and by filing for divorce I lost a chunck of income.

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?

I'm getting by. No extras right now. STBX pays no support yet.

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?

Both.

10) Gender, age and occupation?

Female, 32, manager

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?

Not much family to get support from. My dad did help me with retaining the attorney which was a Godsend.

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?

Emotions.

13) Any other comments......

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 5:14pm

This reminds me of my mother's fourth husband. (She's now married to #5.) He was 67yo and still living with mama. Mama was a Witch!!!!! Mom is highly allergic to dogs. Mama had a little annoying one who would nip at people's ankles. Mom and xdh built the garage into a work space for Mom (She made drapes for about 35 years.) and a master bedroom with a sitting room over the garage. The deal was that the dog was not allowed anywhere near these spaces. Mama would intentionally let the dog into the garage. This is only ONE of the horrid things that Mama would do every day.

So, us kids all joke about this xdh of Mom's. She was married to him for a grand total of six motnhs. He bought her a brand new car when they were engaged. He bought her a pair of glasses since she told him she couldn't sign divorce papers when she didn't have any and couldn't see. LOL My mother is a man-hater in so many ways. >sigh<

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 10:07pm

Here my 2 cents
1) Reasons for separation/divorce?

After 8 years he told me taht he out grew me. He moved out. I am sure there is more to the story but I still do not know.
2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)

He left in Jan and filed in Feb, did not tell me until March 31st that he filed.
3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?

6 years old son. Having some problems understanding.
4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?

I am looking, I gave up my job 6 years ago to be a stay at home mom. Financilly I must work but it not easy doing 2 major stressors at once.
5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?

I cannot even think about this yet.
6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?

Just my faith that things will improve.
7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?

Finances and a broken heart.
8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?

He is paying until July 1st then just child support. So the job better ome soon.
9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?

Finances are forcing me to negiate and just use a lawyer for final review.
10) Gender, age and occupation?

Female, 48, Analyst

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?

I am in texas family in New Jersey. No support
12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?

Fear of not making it on my own.

13) Any other comments......

I am hoping that time does heal all.

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 10:33pm

1) Reasons for separation/divorce?

My now xh wanted out of the marriage. Although it came as a complete surprise when it happened, looking back at the time, it isn't so much of a surprise. If you ask me, the reason for the sep and divorce were that he wasn't ready to be a father and wasn't ready for the responsibility... but you can also add that we were both young and even though I know there was a time when we both loved each other dearly, time changed us... and well, everything happens for a reason...

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)

Wow... It's June... he told me the news on June 19 (actually using the divorce word for the first time)... I remember because it was our 4 1/2 year anniversary (3 years ago now)... he moved out later that month and we were officially divorced in April 2004.

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?

Joey... now 4 1/2 years old. Truthfully, he's pretty OK with things now... he doesn't see xh often, but he hasn't really seen him regularly since he was about 18 months old...

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?

I worked full time throughout my marriage, except for the 4 months that I was on unpaid maternity leave--I had a contract position during my pregnancy. During my time off, xh attempted to play mind games and make me feel guilty for him having to pay all the bills... sorry Charlie, I paid them all for all of the other times except the four months... no guilt here...

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?

I really need to get back out there... so far, I'm still a little overwhelmed by the thought... It has been several years, but I've yet to be on a date that hasn't involved one guy friend of mine, who is a great guy friend, but has commitment issues of his own after being burned by his xw... in other words, great friend, but I don't see potential for any more than we all ready have (being friends for more than 10 years)

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?

Hmmm... finances are getting better... in the past year, I've paid off student loans, my car and have almost completely paid off my credit card...

Joey has had a really good week... and I'm hoping for a good weekend too... so right now, coping with him has been easy this week...

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?

Work... it is the busy season for me and to say it is nuts is the biggest understatement I can make... my current challenge is making it through the day at work... and hoping that some flexibility issues improve at work... otherwise, some other decisions may need to be made...

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?

Joey and I live with my Mom and because of that, we are doing just fine. I could not afford rent or a house payment in this area, without regular child support, which I do not get. I have filed for full enforcement but my xh is out of state, which makes it more difficult. In addition, he's in LA, so they are still getting back on their feet after Katrina... but I did get a nice sizable chunk in the form of his income tax refund this past month, so that has helped a great deal.

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?

We used a lawyer.

10) Gender, age and occupation?

I'm 31, F and I provide technical support (chemical and computer) for a major pool chemical manufacturer... so it's June, which means it is the busiest time of the year for us...

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?

We live with my Mom... she helps out a great deal with Joey. In addition, the emotional support she provides is amazing. I also get a lot of help from my xil's... they have chosen to stay involved even though xh has essentially removed himself from the situation... I am grateful for their support and assistance...

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?

Just realizing that I could do it (be a single mom) and raise a boy (I don't know anything about boys... I'm a girl!) without my xh... he has shocked me with just how well he has turned out so far!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 3:06am

1) Reasons for separation/divorce?

My STBX decided to start dating and forgot to tell me. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive for several years though.

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)

A week after he told me he wanted a divorce (Dec 19, 2005) he moved out of our house and bought another one. Divorce should have been final by now but he did a pitiful job of producing financials so we will probably be back in court in the next 2 weeks for that.

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?

DD is 9; DS is 6. DD has had a terrible time. She understands that Mommy and Daddy are still married and that Daddy has a gf so that means Daddy is cheating on me (her words). She has drawn pics of the gf getting eaten by sharks and ghosts.

They live with me and he takes them when he has to.

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?

I have been a SAHM for 7 years; was a teacher before that. I start a new job in August that services tradeshow managers and exhibitors. I am excited about the job, not excited about leaving my kids.

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?

Tonight I went out for the first time to a bar to listen to a band. I don't drink so I am hesitant to hang out in bars but I had a great time! I am not ready to date especially since my divorce isn't final, but I would love someone to hang out with, go to a movie with, etc.

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?

Ummmmm...not much at this moment but things are starting to come together on most fronts

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?

Finances--Since he still pays the bills, I have had 5 utilities cut off in the last 10 weeks. My water was turned off last Wed. and he went to Hot springs with his gf 2 days later. It will be better once I sell the house I am in and move to a smaller one.

Kids--I have always struggled with consistency and this situation has made it worse!

Just trying to keep my head above water.

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?

I am broke most of the time. My car payment almost went 30 days over this week. It is so insane. I live in a 700K home and I don't have the money to get my haircut! Crazy

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?

An excellent attorney; I will be paying him off for years!

10) Gender, age and occupation?

35, F,

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?

Dad-no, too busy drinking cousins-yes, emotional brother and sil-yes, emotional

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?

The pain of the betrayal and deceit; fear of the unknown. Both are SO much better than they were even a month ago!

I've found during this nightmare that I have accomplished things I never would have if this hadn't happened. I am becoming the woman I want to be and for that I am grateful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 11:15am

thank you to all of you, so much, for sharing our highs and lows!

I trust that things can only improve and with each day our strength builds and we energize!

have a great day!
hugs,
slo-pitch

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 12:57pm

I've been divorced for five years now, but I'll answer anyway. And I'm a man.

1) Reasons for separation/divorce?

The day after we married, she demanded a divorce. And for the rest fo the marriage, she threatened divorce every three months. She cut me off from all forms of physical contact for over ten years. She accused me of cheating on her. She accused me of giving her syphillus, twice. She would beat me when I was asleep. She would deride me in front of the children every single day, usually during dinner. I did the technical work for her PhD dissertation and she never mentioned my name to say thankyou, in her dissertation, or at her graduation party. She never gave birthday, christmas, anniversery presents. Father's day was never celebrated.

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)

Once she was graduated and her step children were graduated, I liquidated a portion of my father's estate, bought my own house and moved out.

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?
Step daughters -- they are now 26 and 24 (20 and 18 at the time of the divorce). The elder smoked pot and used X throughout high school. The younger was a drunk. There substance abuse problems were taboo subjects, unless I was being blamed for them.

We have a son together, he's 13 now. He's far better off.

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?

I was always employed and was the primary provider. Once she graduated, she claimed that a Phd (in biomedical engineering), with 15 years of previous engineering experience could only make 35K per year. And the courts bought it!

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?

I've looked on line a few times. Until my son graduates high school, I won't take dating seriously.

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?

Raising my son. Working with Boy Scouts. Giving back to the community. Nothing else seems to be working.

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?

It just seems life should have been easier by now.

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?

Mediocre.

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?

We used lawyers.

10) Gender, age and occupation?

Male, 46, Engineer

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?

None.

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?

My ex accused my of sexually and physically abusing my son. Sadly, the courts are all too willing to cast a man as a probably rapist, and force the father to fight, merely to get visitation.

I have made every child support payment, and the temporary orders were extremely generous to my ex.

13) Any other comments......

My ex never adjusted her standard of living. So she demands more and more money.

Avatar for cmckinn
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:35pm

1) Reasons for separation/divorce?

I had finally had enough of his bs. He had a history of losing or quitting jobs over the course of our marriage. Five years ago he invested in a business with his brother and oh, he forgot to tell me he was doing it until it was almost a done deal. The business makes no money so he has frittered away almost all of our life savings. In addition to this, it keeps him away from home for days at a time and his kids and he seems to not miss me or the kids at all. Finally I just really looked at where he wants to go with his life and where I want to go and realized they are not the same place. All the things he has done over the years also has built up so much resentment in me that I can't stay married to him.

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)

I filed in February and he is still living with us. He stays at his business 3-4 nights a week so that helps, but the time he is at home is murder.

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?

I have two boys, ages 9 and 12, who are awesome kids! They don't yet know I've filed for divorce, but I don't think it will be much of a surprise when they do know. STBX doesn't want to tell them yet, although I am pushing for it. I don't want them to find out by accident. I have no idea how they will react when they do find out. I think my youngest will take it the hardest, because he's the type who wants everyone to be happy all the time. They live with me and that's how I plan to keep it.

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to
work?

I have worked full time the whole marriage, thankfully.

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?

It's too soon for me to think about it. When I'm ready I don't have any idea how I'll go about it.

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?

I've been so unhappy for so long that I am really looking forward to my future! Of course, my kids are great, my job is pretty good, and my friends are awesome.

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?

My biggest challenge right now is getting STBX to move out and getting him to move on his end of the divorce.

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?

We are too early to work out these details. If he pays the child support my lawyer says I should get, then we'll be fine financially. That remains to be seen. Luckily for me I have a pretty good job and get paid pretty well.

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?

I'm using a lawyer.

10) Gender, age and occupation?

Female, age 42, and I'm a manager of a software development team.

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?

My family has been great. They weren't surprised at all to hear I'm getting divorced. I haven't asked for any financial support and they don't live close enough to babysit, but the emotional support they provide is great.

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?

For me the biggest hurdle was making the final decision to do it. Since then, it has been trying to get STBX to accept the fact that it's happening. He's waking up and smelling the coffee several years too late that he had a great family and he blew it by being selfish and only caring about his desires.

13) Any other comments......

This board is great! I don't post very often but I lurk almost every day. The support provided here is amazing!