Questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Questions
30
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 2:49pm

hey there! I have been separated for a 1 1/2 year and just wondering how everyone is doing. I still live with my ex husband and our two grown children (19 & 22), but need to move on and have some closure.

I put together some questions that I feel will help us all. I will share my answers as well.

1) Reasons for separation/divorce?

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?

10) Gender, age and occupation?

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?

13) Any other comments......

thank you for sharing!

I will answer in the second post.

hugs,
slo-pitch4

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 5:02pm

1) Reasons for separation/divorce? We ended up having to declare bankruptcy and then we drifted apart and I loved him but was not in love with him.

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)he moved out 2 weeks after we decided to file and then all of sudden I kick him out which i didn't.

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with? I have 3 daughters and at the time they were 8,10,13 and they all lived with me until 2 years ago the youngest

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work? I was always employed and I went back to school and got my 2 year degree right before I got diorvced and then I was stronger and ready to handle a divorce.

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people? I went to work and met people there and just went from there.

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?
Well everything is working for me pretty much. Financies are tight but that normal for me.
7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now? My biggest challenge is trying to work my life so I can get remarried and be with hubby.

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?
Making
9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?
we used a lawyer

10) Gender, age and occupation?
Female, 42 computers
11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?
Never did

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome? Trying to raise three kids by myself with really no help from my Ex hubby.

13) Any other comments......

lisa j romesburg

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 12:32am

1. Complicated. He filed after I "checked out emotionally" due to constant fighting and his screaming and yelling at me and the kids. Our marriage was dead. Couldn't see growing old with him. He was very mean to me and the kids, as well as to my family and any friends we used to have. I don't know what happened to him over the years to harden him so. Once we were separated, so many people came up to me to ask what took me so long to leave. Well, first of all, I was more or less kicked out because I refused to cooperate with him anymore, and second of all, I stayed in there because I didn't want my kids to grow up in a divorced home. I now realize I didn't do my children any favors by staying so long.

2. I moved into an apartment with 3 bedrooms so I could have the kids with me part time. My son is now living with me full time.

3. Son, 17 today, daughter will be 13 on 4th of July. My son lives with me now because he doesn't care to be around his dad. Daughter is 50/50.

4. Went back to work 2.5 years ago when I realized marriage was doomed. I was a stay at home mom for 8 years raising my children.

5. I have a wonderful network of friends and family. My parents and best friend have helped me get through this. They have been a godsend.

6. My job, my friends, a positive outlook, and HOPE.

7. I need financial help with my son.

8. He has not paid me a dime in support and I am in the process of going after child/spousal support. He filed (as a threat to scare me) for divorce almost a year ago.

9. Started out with lawyers, tried mediator, and now back to lawyers because he has been extremely uncooperative. He has refused to provide financnal information and more importantly he has refused to disclose where he hid $15,000 of our joint money. I believe he has pretty much used it all up by now. I'm hoping the judge will come down harshly on him after our pre-trial phone conference on July 17. It is truly a joke and makes me sick inside to believe what he has gotten away with. He would love to see me totally broke.

10. F, 44, Admin Assistant

11. Emotional from everyone around me. It has been awesome. My parents are there if I need financial, but I have been too proud to ask. Although they have helped with oil changes and maintenance for my car. I stayed with my best friend for awhile before I found the apartment. I was basically kicked out of my home when he threw all my belongings from the master bedroom to the unfinished basement and put a lock on our bedroom door. This happened because I was emotionally gone and told him I wouldn't "sleep" with him anymore.

12. Worrying about the effects on my children and worrying about finances. Also, trying to wrap up this divorce. He is the one who filed, yet he is the one who has delayed providing financial information so that we can settle. It has been extremely frustrating for me and emotionally draining. I just want out and I want to go on with my life.

13. I have been reading this board for a year now, my divorce has been going on for almost a year, and I'm still not divorced. I see others who divorce much quicker and I wonder to myself when my day of freedom will come. I am living in a purgatory right now and just want to be able to go on with my life. I want the suffering to stop for my children. I feel sadness that cannot even be expressed with mere words.

Belinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 12:36pm

Belinda, it just blows me away, how many men will not pay child support, and these are their children!! Are they not concerned for their children's well being?

I send you my hugs and I trust that you will find strength, happiness and freedom very soon. Continue to gather the emotional support that your family offer you.

take care
hug,
slo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 1:02pm

1) Reasons for separation/divorce?

My husband is an alcoholic. He is lazy, stays out all night and weekends, emotionally abandonded me and the children years ago.

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)

He is renting a flat and we are in the house, but in three weeks I am taking my girls and moving to a town 2 hours away for a better job.

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?

Both live with me. Paige is 5.5 and she has a different father (we were never married.) Her father chose this point in time after not being responsible for 3.5 years to sue me for custody. He claims I am a bad decision maker (because of the move) Brook, my dd w/ my stbx, is 4. She is taking things okay but asks me every day if I love Daddy.

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?

I am employed full time.

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?

I have reconnected w/ friends online, and also through my job. I don't go out much but they are great about calling and emailing.

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?

Nothing is working right now. I feel like giving up sometimes.

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?

See above. My biggest challenge right now is oldest dd's dad claiming he will take her all because I am moving to a new town to start a new life. that and $$$$, of course. Or should I say lack thereof.

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?

I am doing terribly financially. We have not filed yet, so stbx pays me directly each month, more than I'm sure he'll be ordered too. Which is great, but I'm still broke. Oldest dd's father pays nothing b/c he thinks he will get custody and it will be eliminated anyway.

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?

Have not filed yet. But I assume we'll use lawyers.

10) Gender, age and occupation?

Female, 26, Home Lending business

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?

emotional...my siblings and parents call a lot. that's really all they can offer.

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?

money. being able to support my children and pay my bills.

13) Any other comments......

I am praying this all gets better, because lately I have been so sad. I just feel like it never will.

thank you for sharing!

I will answer in the second post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 1:27pm

1) Reasons for separation/divorce?

my STBX was emotionally abusive and absent majority of the time during our 11-year marriage. he absolutely did not want marriage counseling despite years and years of encouraging it on my behalf. he was selfish, controlling, and did not respect me in any way, despite my consistent emotional support, 100 percent fidelity, allowed him major "individual freedom" was sooo not a nagging wife, provided consistent financial support & involved parent to our sons.

the thing that i most could NOT negotiate is how he "abandoned" me to alcohol, friends, golf trips, and 24/7 working at self-employed business during an overwhelmingly difficult time with infertility--that was the deal-breaker for me!

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)

gosh no! separate roof(s) since late 2004--he moved into his Mom's house, then bought it from her. sons had been with him from november 2005 to beginning of this month until he ABANDONED them, too, for his skank GF and selfish, controlling nature.

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?

twin 11-year-old DSs; they are a mess: confused, angry, reserved, acting out, one performed very poorly in school last year. yet, STBX said "they don't need counseling, they're FINE with the divorce" ... flippin' idiot! sons, now, live with me (they have no choice, Dud abandoned them as a means of hurting me).

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?

employed full time

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?

none. i'm soooo not ready for a relationship, although, the men are really "calling" (ha ha); think they can just sense a woman on the verge of separation or divorce. my focus is 100 percent on my bunchkins.

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?

nothing, i'm running on fumes; most days, i rise, smile at my boys, and end them crying in such desperation & bewilderment as to what i did so awful to deserve such betrayal and abandoment. when alll i ever wanted was a loving husband who would spend time with me, respect me, support me, and love me as an equal partner.

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?

if it weren't for my boys, nothing would be working in my life right now.

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?

i'm doing better than i thought. my job pays well; STBX doesn't pay at ALL, but has the financial means to assist (oh he does very well, pulls in $14K to $20K a month, typically), but would rather his sons suffer withdrawal of his financial support coupled with physical and emotional support just to hurt me.

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?

a lawyer, a good one!

10) Gender, age and occupation?

female, 39, professional / executive writer

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?

yes, alll--the BEST support network ever!!

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?

the whole divorce process; had NO idea it would be this challenging and devastating. it's just awful alll the way around.

13) Any other comments......

each day, more and more, i appreciate this board; it is truly phenomenal in providing the emotional support and sanity i require at this point in my life -- warm wishes to all of you

great questions, great poll!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2006
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 2:08pm

In reviewing everyone's answers...I really get that the reason for separation/divorce, seems to be the common verbal/emotional abuse in alot of cases.

I also get that, the most common fear is not knowing if we are financially able to handle things.

I am very disappointed in how many people are not receiving child support for their children - these are the men's flesh and blood too!

I just hope that in my case, since my ex and I are currently living under the same roof and committed to being good friends, that a monster does not surface once push comes to shove and we sell the house and go to a mediator etc..... I truly wish that we can remain mature and friends through out this process.

May strength and prayers be with each and everyone of us!

Hugs,
Slo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 3:17pm

1) Reasons for separation/divorce? Many years of emotional/verbal a some physical abuse. Finally ended in divorce, affair (him and my best friend)

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?) He's moving out SUNDAY!

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with? My DS, age 16 seems to be taking it well. My DD, age 11 is emotional, resentful towards me.

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work? Working full time and God, I don't know how!

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people? Keep busy busy busy and be with my friends and family that love and respect me.

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects? I have a good solid job with good medical benefits. I've been struggling financially since STBX split up accounts. I'm hoping with child support and maybe alimony, I can get back on my feet. Coping with the kids is hard, especially when I just feel like being alone.

I look foward to peace again in my life and starting to love myself again!

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now? STBX is still in the house, coming and going as he pleases. It's hard to see him just going along as if nothing has happened. Not skipping a beat. Dealing with my DD and her emotions, along with my own is the hardest thing right now.

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time? Not doing well financially, support yet TBD.

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator? Lawyer

10) Gender, age and occupation? Age 38, female, Zoning Assistant for a local town

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily? Support is never ending for me and I am grateful for that every day!

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome? To let my love go for him.

13) Any other comments......I am so thankful to have found the board!

Jennifer

Proud Mom of Travis (15) and Mandi (10)

and our pets, Sully the Dog and Till

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 4:19pm

Hi,

My name is GynaPaola, I'm 22, I have a 3 year son; I'm not married to his dad but we lived together now, I'm moving because he was cheating on me; well I work for an Architec, my mother and my mother-inlaw are supporting me a lot, they allways tell me that I deserve better. My son loves his dad and I know is going to be hard for him to move on, but hey we all have to do it. He is confusing me a lot because he always says that he wants to be with me and that he loves me, but he keeps cheating, he is not going to change, and I know that I give him 6 years to do it and it didn't work. He is allways bleiming me because he is 37 and he say that age has a lot to do, but it's not like that, he is the one making the mistakes. Eventhough I know the way he is and all his lies I'm affraid to fall for it againg, this is not the first time this happens the only differense is that we were living together but it only last 2 months. Great. Every time he sees that I'm doing good with out him he comes arround and do the same, and I'm more stupid for letting him do it. I really don't Know what to do or were to go, for now I'm going to my mom's until I find an home for my son and me, he keeps telling me not to go. Until I find the place, but I don't want to see him so I'm moving on Saturday July 1. I even told him ones, "You want to be with some one else, do it, but far away from your home, protect your self, and come home". But in just one week he miss his job one day, and he didn't show up to sleep twies. I have to be strong, move on, I'm not the only one in this situation.

Love and hugs to every one.

GynaPaola

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 4:34pm

1) Reasons for separation/divorce?
Wife walked out. Quit the marriage. Separated for 2 months now.

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)
Not living under the same roof. She is "couch-surfing" with friends until she finds her own place.

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?
No kids - thankfully! It would make things that much tougher.

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?
Yes employed and still working - although I did have to take some time off to deal mentally. Still coping, but getting better. Gotta get over my anger, and I'm almost there.

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?
I'll wait until after I file - 4 months from now. I wouldn't be able to dedicate myself to anyone right now anyway, as I am still deeply in love with my STBX Wife.

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?
Socially I'm keeping very busy - and talking to all of my friends. The more I talk it out the better I feel.

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?
I still obsess over where she is, what's she's doing, how she's doing, etc.... I still cannot concentrate on what I need to be doing, as reconciliation is not gonna happen. We're too far gone for that.

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?
n/a

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?
Probably a mediator.

10) Gender, age and occupation?
male, 34

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?
Emotional only - but that's enough.

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?
Letting go. I'm still fighting to save us? or, most likely myself.

13) Any other comments......
Best wishes to everyone here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: slo_pitch4
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 1:31am

Wow Wow Wow. What great questions, even better the answers and how much everyone has gone through.

1) Reasons for separation/divorce
He was emotionally and physically abusive for 16 of our 19 years. Life was always my fault and he never took responsibility for his actions or anger. He stayed away emotionally for most of our marriage and recently told me that he never loved me or really cared for me, that's why we had so many issues. I attempted to hold on trying to make life better for him, I thought for us. He finally left right after New Years 2006

2) Status (still living under same roof, or did you?)

He has had an apartment less than a mile away that I have to pass everyday on the way to work.

3) Children? How do they feel and what are their ages? Who do they live with?

Three amazing daughters 18, 16 and 13, they live with me. My 13 year old is struggling because she is daddy's girl. My two older girls sat me down and told me enough is enough they want me to get divorced and that they want him to recognize he needs help.

4) Are you currently employed or do you have to go back to work?

I have always held a full time job.

5) What choices are you making for getting back out there and meeting people?

I live in a small college town, very few people my age and even less singles. It's very hard to meet new people. I'm trying to find new things to do and find new friends. I have a very small group and unfortunatly the woman I considered my best friend is very toxic ( I guess I always knew but I gave her the benefit, just like my husband). The one man that I was growing close to and was building a relationship with she felt the need to destroy because she did not feel I should have my husband and this man when she had none (she's 35 and never been married or had an prospects of marriage) So.....the goal is to meet new people and surround myself with a more positive group.

6) What is working in your life? ie: job, finances, coping with kids, social aspects?

My job and kids keep me going. It's amamzing to me all that the girls have been willing to do with such a big change in their lives. Outside of the one friend, I have some realy great peole in my life.

7) What is not working in your life? What are the biggest challenges right now?

Finances, he pays the house payment but nothing more. We went from being a "well to do family" that could afford anything we desired to worrying about spending 50 dollars on food every two weeks. Sometimes my 13 year old struggles and having to help her cope when she has never felt as close to me. She also does not like the idea of me finding someone new,and hates any of the men I work with ( I work with about 200 men) I keep saying I don't want to find someone but I know deep down I want to finally have someone that we can make each other happy. I'm also afraid of not finding someone, I am 50 lbs overweight at 5' 2" and average age in my town is 26. Most men look through me now not at me, last time I was single I was always looked at.

8) How are you doing financially? Does your ex pay appropriate support and on time?

Bad Bad Bad!!! He made great money but nearly bankrupted us before he left, my credit is horrible. If half of what the lawyer tells me happens then we will be fine. It kills me that he has money to burn knowing we can't afford to stay afloat.

9) Are you using a lawyer or mediator?

Lawyer!!! He is a the former head of child support services.

10) Gender, age and occupation?

F, 37, Registrar of a school

11)Are your getting support from your family? ie: babysitting, emotional, financial, place to live temporarily?

My parents have had to help us out finacially which has been hard. My gas was shut off for two days. They have put up over 5000 just to help us get by.

12) What has been the biggest hurdle to overcome?

Getting over the love I have for him and that he does not feel the same for me. It's hard coping with the loss and now our anniversay is coming up.

13) Any other comments......

My councilor told me to make an action plan for my life to start moving forward. She told me to start making my life better and doing all of the things that he would never do for me. She also told me to stop letting him keep me stuck in that emotional rut of giving to him with nothing in return.

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