questions about child care/venting
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| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:22pm |
Hey there. Does anyone know if the x/stbx has to have a good cause to ask you to change child care? Here's the background. . .
My x and I went back to court on March 5. It was decided that Lauren would remain with me:D. Anyway, NOTHING was said at all about me switching daycare providers. My mother has been keeping Lauren for the past three years except for a switch lasting about 3 or 4 months.
Tonight my x called me and asked me to switch weekends with him. He wants next weekend instead of this weekend (his parents are visiting then). I said no, citing previously made plans--my sister is coming from 2 hours away to visit. She hasn't seen Lauren since Christmas. He gets mad and says that he will just tell Lauren that her grandparents are coming, but she won't get to see them because I will not switch. I tell him that the plans for my sister's visit were made about 3 weeks ago. If he wants to put Lauren in the middle, that is his decision, but I will not be doing that.Any further requests for visitation change needed to be made by email or I would not respond to them. I then hung up on him. I sit down and write him an email (for my records) stating the same thing. I tell Lauren that her Aunt is coming to visit so we will be unable to switch weekends with her dad. Her paternal grandparents live about 50 min. north of us. I would be willing to arrange for a visit between them down here.
He emails me back asking if I am no longer willing to discuss Lauren on the phone with him at all. I email him that if the conversation is urgent, then I will talk with him. Otherwise, the communication can be done through email.
He then emails me and says that I need to have my mother stop watching Lauren. He says "Just one other thing I no longer want Lauren to be cared for by your mother. From what you said in court your mother is not a good influence on Lauren. I am giving you one week to find alternate care with my help of course. After that Lauren will have to go to another daycare."
The issue in court about my mother was that she, my dad, and I had sat Lauren down and talked to her about the court case and about the fact that my x wanted Lauren to go live with them. We knew that over Christmas break that they would try to manipulate her into making that decision. (which they did.) I was warned by the gal not to put her in the midde anymore, nor have my parents.
I know he is just doing this because I would not switch weekends with him. But we are supposed to have joint decisions on child care, etc. despite him living close to 7 hours away. Does anyone know the guidelines for an x switch daycare providers? My mother has been one of Lauren's best supports through this whole thing. She is a daycare provider, licensed by the state. Lauren is very happy there.

Oh goodness, are you going to have to go back to court? That is nuts. I don't think any court would tell you you had to remove your daughter from daycare which she loves and has been in for 3 years with her *grandmother* of all people. Is it free to you? That would be another factor -- free quality daycare by a relative!!!! Nah, he'd have to have a better reason than he has so far.
But, I am not a judge.
Phew, you really do have a difficult X; I am so sorry.
M
At the moment, I don't know if we will have to go back to court. I am not going to take her out of my mother's care voluntarily. She does not charge me, but that is because she knows that right now I can't afford it. She also watches Lauren on Saturdays when I work--no other daycare around here does that. I'm going to call my atty this morning and see what grounds he has to have before demanding that I get a different daycare for her. I'm also going to call the gal and fill him in. I'll keep you posted.
Becka
Overwhelmed -- you are scaring me.
This kind of a discussions is kind of on the petty side and has needlessly escalated.
If stbx is a drunk, or a drug addict, or violent, or a gambler, or is associated with nefarious individuals, the kids shouldn't be with him anyway. I am assuming this is not the case.
I'm scared for you because you and your stbx are not managing your interactions well, and it turns into conflict quickly.
You are divorcing your X. or maybe he's divorcing you. If you are looking to the courts to provide releif in manageing basic interactions between you and your x, you will be dissapointed.
Your kids need to maintain a stress free and conflict free life for the next year or two or three to allow them to get over this divorce. So your sisters has not seen them since Xmas, so what?
It matters more that mommy and daddy stop fighting and get along.
If stbx asks for an accomodation that maintains the overall balance of time, and he requests an accomodation in a reasonable amount of time prior to the switch, just do it. Because that's what your kids need.
My X and I have been divorced for 3 1/2 years. Throughout all of our marriage, he was very controlling, mentally and sexually abusive, etc. I am extremely saddened by the fact that he continues to put our daughter through this kind of turmoil. I do not like it, however for him and his current wife it is a power trip. I don't see that stopping anytime soon.
Our decree simply states that we are to have 50/50 on decisions such as medical, child care, etc. However, she lives with me and he lives about 7 hours away. I did talk to my atty this morning. He said that he does have the power to take me back into court about any and every little petty thing he can think of, but that doesn't mean that I should roll over and do what he wants--nor do I plan to. The decree also states that the parent receiving the trade requests has the ability to turn it down.
I did not have to give my ex a reason for saying no to his request to trade weekends. I did so out of courtesy, trying to bridge the gap that has existed since he cheated on me, lied to me and eventually left. I do want my daughter to have a wonderful relationship with him, however he and his wife are continuously doing everything in their power to drive a wedge between Lauren and myself.
From March to April of 2003, after the split, before filed for divorce, he told me repeatedly that if I did not drop the proceedings against him (so he could file against me) then he would come take our daughter and I would never see her again. I discussed this with my atty at the time and she advised me to withhold contact from him. The harassing calls only increased. He came down one weekend to smooth things over between us and to see Lauren. After he left I spoke with my atty and she said to go ahead and let him see her for a 2 week period to show that I was attempting to be the friendly parent. We set it up for a two week period immediately before her 5th birthday (She was to begin kindergarten in the fall.) He got her on May 17, I was to get her back on May 25 (her bday). Her bday party was to be the 26th. When we met for the exchange, she screamed and cried as I put her into his car, buckled her in, and told her that I loved her more than everything and that it would be okay. I cried as they drove away with her still screaming in the backseat. I could hear her from 50 yards away--from inside a car with the windows rolled up. I did not see her again until August 23. There was little/no contact by phone--maybe once every two weeks. I called each and everynight to talk to my daughter, but they would not answer. I had met someone new and desperately needed a break to retain my sanity so I took a small inexpensive vacation. They actually told her that I would rather go see him instead of coming to see her--that I loved him more than her. I had decided not to go see her because 1) I knew they would not let me see her. 2) I did not want to put her in the middle by dragging the police to their house. 3) My car would not make the trip. During this time, they encouraged her to call the ow "Mom." I eventually had to take them to court with an emergency custody hearing to get my daughter back--even then I had to wait three more weeks after we went to court before I would get to see her. That summer, I did not see her from May 17 to Aug. 23. Even now, three years later, she still cries occassionally when she has to go see him.
I could go on and on about the crap he has put us through as well as the mental abuse, rape and sexual abuse he put me through during our marriage. It kills me everytime I have to take her out there to see him. However, I know it is important for her to have a good relationship with her father so I bite my tongue and pray that he will not do to her what he did to me. If I could prove what he did to me, I would, but spousal abuse and rape are extremely difficult to prove. I will not risk her happiness on a slim possibility of getting the justice I deserve. I have resigned myself to keeping my secret from her. When I explain more about sex, I will have to lie to her because I can't/won't tell her that her dad raped me.
I would love for my daughter to be able to live a stress free life. I want that more than anything. But until they stop putting her in the middle, it isn't going to happen.
Last night while on the phone, after I had declined the request, he told me that he was going to tell our daughter that her grandparents were visiting them the next weekend, but she wasn't going to be able to see them because I would not trade. I told him that if he wanted to put her in the middle, that was his decision. I was not going to do that, nor was I going to be bullied/blackmailed. It was ONLY after that, that he began bullying me into switching daycares from my mom.
My mother runs a state-licensed daycare. She provides a safe, happy place for all of the kids she watches. Lauren is very happy there. My ex and his wife should be more worried about her happiness and safety than about the petty issues they continue to bring up. If possible, I try to trade with him when he requests (although they do not extend the same courtesy back to me), however, I will not be bullied into doing something simply because that's the way he wants it. I drew a line in the sand 3 years ago. I'm not going back now.
Edited 3/21/2007 11:56 pm ET by overwhelmed76
Edited 3/22/2007 10:32 am ET by lovinhockey17
Smile,
Deirdre
I totally agree with the previous post. Setting reasonable boundaries while providing your child with the care she needs, is totally appropriate. You shouldn't have to give into his attempts to manipulate. I can't imagine a judge would grant that.
Best of luck to you.
I was hoping this whole thing about finding a new daycare would just blow over, but apparently it is not going to. I returned home from work tonight to find an email with a list of daycares in the area. All of these daycares close at 6, it is not unusual for me to work until 6:30. None of these daycares are open on weekends, I work every Saturday. I don't think he understands the situation, but their schedules are irrelevant. I will not be bullied into taking a petty action simply because he gets mad at me. If I felt Lauren was in any danger, I would move her. However, Lauren is very happy and extremely well cared for where she is at. This is the response I sent to him.
Begin email:
I am not removing Lauren from my mother's daycare. You have the right to pursue any actions you feel are necessary, but I will not participate in putting Lauren in the middle of a petty action that I feel was brought up only by my refusal to trade weekends with you.
I find it extremely sad, for Lauren's sake, that we haven't been able to get along and be efficient co-parents. This pettiness is only hurting her in the long run. I do not appreciate your attempts to bully me into taking an action just because you want me to.
End email:
Please let me know what you think.
Edited 3/22/2007 10:20 pm ET by overwhelmed76