Quick vent: The King of Denial

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Quick vent: The King of Denial
5
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 8:26am

So after I told his mother (hoping she would hear me and talk to him) that I'm not coming back and why... he tells me I need mental help.

This morning I get a text message: "Have a good day. I love you"

WTF!!!! I'm sorry if this offends, but this is driving me nuts. Why won't he let go already? He goes from angry, accusing and vengeful to acting like nothing is wrong and tossing aroung the "I love you's" and "I miss you's." I'd almost rather have him beg to have me back than to pretend there's nothing wrong. I've been ignoring him... arguing didn't work. Is there a better way to deal with this???

STOP ALREADY!!!!

Ok... /end rant. I feel better now.

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 8:31am

You might want to check out the book, "Emotional Vampires" , by Albert Bernstein http://www.albernstein.com/id55.htm I have it, and it has excellent tips for dealing with people who sap the lifeforce out of you.

Some of the tips for dealing with Histrionic/Passive-aggressives is:

They will always do what you pay most attention to.

Criticism of any sort will elicit explanations rather than behavior change.

These vampires live in an alternate reality where their thoughts are pure, their motives are selfless, and all their mistakes are caused by misinterpretation. Don't even think of talking to them when you're angry, they'll see it as verbal abuse.

It sounds like you're fighting a losing battle with your STBX and his family.

Edited 1/18/2007 8:47 am ET by susieyippin




Edited 1/18/2007 8:48 am ET by susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 12:18pm
Ha I think that is what my stbx has been doing to me all our married lives and I still want him? hahahaha. I think I should get the book, not only to heal for what he has done but to give myself a reality check of how I am acting today LOL
Ha ha looking at the picture of that vampire on the front of the book looks like me right now lol
Guess we are both that now. You know for the last 30 years I have had occasional nightmares about vampires? I cannot in anyway watch a vampire movie. I talked to a psychic lady once and she said it meant that someone was sucking the life out of me
hmm guess who that was. I guess this OW situation now and his talking about her in such a wonderful way is the last BIG BITE .......will I die from all my blood being drained or will I get to the hospital for a transfusion? ........rest of story coming later.........
We can call it How I Survived The Vampires Bite
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 12:52pm

Please keep sharing. It is valuable for all of us.

There is a book called Uncoupling which talks about the process from both perspectives. I think it might help you deal.

I am sure you are right to leave and he is all kinds of *&^ (fill in blank), and his behavior is making you crazy.

The book just might help you know how to respond or not respond.

I say this because, although I don't go to the extremes your stbx has (not even close), my feelings about my stbx vary from minute to minute and that is completely normal. And sometimes he is around and he knows I am angry or sad or neutral or kind, depending ...

It just ain't gonna be a smooth ride for anyone. Many years of intimate relationship don't dissolve quickly or easily, especially if one person doesn't want them to, ya know?

Can't stop the train, but it might be a rocky ride down the mountain track. Wish it weren't so.

M

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 1:24pm

The book has excelent tips, it also has tips for if we see certain behaviors in ourselves.

I started going to counseling again (this morning!) after a 7 month break from it... to try to learn some new skills for dealing with my passive-aggressive vampire X. 20 years of being bullied, undermined and demeaned-- I know what the behaviors look like, but I need a bit more guidance on how to effectively deal with him, instead of getting sucked into his drama. I'm doing fairly well with dealing with it, but I need to nurture this new assertiveness.

Hey, we're BOTH vampire survivors! Heck, I'm sure most everyone here was married to a vampire! :-D

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 4:43pm
yeh - i feel your pain...my dh is in denial as well - he's got major issues - he gets frustrated, angry & expresses how he wants divorce...he does silly childish things like take his wedding band off or plan trips w/"the boys"...he'll not speak for days on end...and then all of a sudden, he'll change his attitude and do "nice" things for me like cook a favorite meal or get me medicine when i'm sick...he'll never "beg me back" into good favor by talking about our issues & what we can do about them...he just expects me to act like nothing ever happened & he's free to do it all over again...i'm at the point now tho - where i'm not accepting his "apologetic behavior"...eventually he'll give up & go back to being angry & that's fine...i can call the cycle now like the back of my hand...just waiting til i can financially make a move etc...we're not divorced or seperated yet, but i still have the power of whether i let him back in or not...nope, don't plan on it...