Quicker healing & more friends possible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2006
Quicker healing & more friends possible?
5
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 3:46am

Here's the short version of my four year marriage:

I eloped with my husband after high school. We kept it secret because we knew everyone would say we are too young and disapprove. We figured we'd tell everyone after our college graduation. We had never really talked intimately in junior and high school so our relationship after high school was rushed.

Eventually, we thought his parents had found us out despite the lengths we took to hide our marriage. We were mistaken came out publicly with our marriage. Our parents threw us a wedding reception for our first year anniversary. That night was the first time I noticed that my darling did not cope well with stress. He drank himself silly after 3/4 of the guests had left. That was the first of many lonely nights for me, but I was completely in love and overly devoted.

I was completely stunned a couple of years ago when he suddenly left me for someone else and wanted a divorce. We weren't ready for a divorce. We were together every weekend and sometimes on weekdays despite him having a very young gf. Within six months, we were back together. Everything seemed wonderful and then suddenly he wasn't answering my calls. He would flirt with coworkers on the phone blatantly in front of me. He would not return at night. He was drinking like a fish. He was also physically and emotionally abusive. I attributed the sudden change to the childhood he never got over and the stress of his mother's sudden illness. However, as time passed and his mother got stronger, his behavior continued. Finally, last year, I told him I would leave if he did not change. He laughed in my face and said he could do what he wanted, so I left.

Over the months, we acted still as husband and wife out of habit. I gave him divorce papers to sign when I found out he had taken up with two girlfriends. He has finally signed them and moved far away to avoid the pain of seeing of me and to avoid his current gf finding out that he had me and another. He wants start clean. I can understand that.

I thought I was doing okay getting over him. Crying less. Not being at his beck and call completely. Mentioning his name less in conversation...Etc.

Then, I got a phone call this week. One of his family members wanted to tell me that the family was keeping a secret from me. Another reason he moved away was because he got one of his gfs pregnant. It was planned. I am supposed to act like I don't know so that I can guide him in life as a friend: this is what his family wants because he cares about what I think. I am supposed to be his conscience or something.

For some reason, I am very hurt that he chose to impregnate this young girl. I have been able to continue to be his friend and talk to him as if I don't talk to him online on the phone as if I don't know. I will have to get along with his child because he and his gf want one of my best friends to adopt it at least for a while if not longer because they don't feel ready. The girl's parents want her to abort but she refuses, having no idea that he has cheated on her. They are both currently unemployed and both continue to occasionally drink and at times, smoke.

Needless to say, I am very relieved that my divorce will be finalized this summer in light of this new information. However, I am not recovering quickly enough emotionally. I feel that I must recover of this pain before the baby is born if I am to treat the baby well and before I receive any more news about what the darker side of my husband has accomplished through other relatives as seems to be what happens every so often. I heal old wounds just to receive new ones. How am I ever to date if I'm supposed to be his conscience? I am already super busy and somehow I always find time to think about him.

Does his family and I really believe he needs me? Yes. He and I have talked about his flaws and we both believe he has two personalities: the sweet and brilliant guy and the cruel sociopath, but he refuses to go to a counselor.

Why am I making his problems my problems and when will I be able to stop doing so because I have enough problems of my own? Maybe I'm doing okay and I'm just stressing that things won't go well because I worry too much.

So how do I heal quicker? I am not going to jump into another relationship right away like he always does. Seems awfully needy to me when people do that. ..Not that I am not lonely because I am very much so and have been for a long time, even before and during my marriage.

We miss each other a lot and sometimes tell each other that, which makes me all the gladder that I know about the coming baby so I won't go back to him for sure this time. I think that's why his parents didn't tell me...part of why anyway... They wanted me to go back to him.

He is moving back into this state next week. It's still far away but what if I run into him? Will I be able to keep the tears back? Why won't healing go faster? I am too young to be one of those people who take decades to heal. I have every hope of finding trust and love again, but with someone more sane.

How do I stop thinking about him when I'm expected to be his friend? I already keep very busy. I have several jobs and school. I have a few friends and hobbies. I have a new house I love decorating. Yet, in the dead of the night, on quiet weekends, and on long commutes between jobs and school and home...there are the thoughts of him and messages from him that come and keep coming. What would you suggest?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006

Autumnleaf,


Hi. Glad you found us here on SD&S.


My first thought? Please find a therapist to whom you can vent and present your concerns. I highly recommend you find a counselor who specializes in codependent relationships and codependent issues.


The definition of codependency is that you feel responsible for another persons feelings, actions, and consequences. For the record: YOU ARE NOT responsible for your STBX at all, in any way, for any reason. Not now and not in the future. His family's "request" that you be his "friend" and help "guide him" is absolutely abnormal and outrageous!


Indeed, I'd advise you to cut all ties with him and his family. You have no obligation at all to "help" him or be responsible for any part of his

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2006
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 10:44am
Thank you for your wisdom, wisdomtooth2020! I have actually been reading a book about codependency on and off because a mutual friend of ours lent it to me. And maybe you're right. Perhaps he'll grow up faster if I'm not around to coddle him all the time. I shouldn't have to pay his bills, for example. If I don't help him out so much, perhaps he will over time realize what responsibility is all about. I'm not sure to go about all this morally. Shouldn't someone tell his gf that he has cheated on her and been abusive so that she will realize what she is bringing his child into? Also, his family has a lot of deep dark secrets that will affect her child. She doesn't know any of them! I would love to ask my friends and family for advice but I'm not supposed to know about this whole pregnancy. They wanted to keep me in the dark so that I'd be there for them and him. They are treating me very kindly everyday, but I do not always trust their decisions to be the best because as you say, we are from dysfunctional families, so what we do is not always rational.Maybe I should try to get in contact with the gf's mom? Or is that terrible and intrusive? I am divorcing him so I shouldn't feel powerless any more. I have gone to counselors at school about my concerns early in our relationship but I never felt comfortable or had much time to sit through sessions. I hated it because it always ruined my day and made me depressed all day after going. I need to be studying for school, not thinking about him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
I completely agree with wisdomtooth.

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006

Autumn,


I totally agree with Mkatyb. It's not your job to tell his GF anything. (Again, that's codependent behavior. You aren't responsible for her any more than you are for your STBX.) Even if you did tell her, she would turn on you and blame you for any trouble. So, stay out of it. She'll have to learn the hard way.


Oh and by the way. Stop paying your STBX's bills. Unless they are joint bills (like utilities for your residence or the car note and you've got the car) it's not helping him at all. Like I said, letting go is the best way to help your STBX. Your divorce will sever all legal ties, now you have to learn to let go. Is it hard? Yes, very hard. But here's the truth: if he never suffers any consequences for his behavior and choices, he'll never learn to take care of himself. You're kind of like a parent who never lets their kid fall and skin their knees. It's going to happen and its an opportunity to learn. It's not something you can prevent from happening or make go away if it does.


Get on with your life Autumn. Study hard. Make good grades. Get a good job and get a life of your own. Your STBX will keep making poor choices as long as he's propped up by his family. Let them do the propping up. It's not your job.


Good luck and let us know how you're doing.


P.S. Yes, counseling can be difficult, but its good to do. See if you can find a therapist through your local mental health center. Some of the smartest people in the world have been in therapy. It's always helpful to get good, solid, professional objective help. Plus, a good therapist can help equip you to deal with your STBX and his family.


Take care!



CL-Wisdomtooth2020


Some commonly misspelled words on this board:


You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2006
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 11:33pm
Thanks for the advice. I have felt miserable all day with my plans of contacting her mother and sending her money for the new grandchild coming and telling her about him so that she could take care of them. And then I find out that his family has been hiding my existence from the girl's mom. She has no idea her daughter is with a married man. I don't exist to her. I felt so angry. From beginning to end I am the other woman who must be hidden. But then, I realize they may be right. If the girl's parents find out that he's married, she'll be disowned and then the baby may be homeless. I felt so angry and frustrated and it reminded me of all the times I stole lighters from him or poured alcohol down the drain just so he could buy more. And I see the codependence pattern that I still have even after leaving him now. I realized after a few minutes of flustered fury that my efforts are futile if he's not ready to grow up. I'm not going to mention to him that I know anything but I'm going to try to be one less person for him to depend on now so that he can learn to do things on his own. I need to move on and stop being his wife if I don't want to get stepped on any more. I hate feeling hidden and I hate feeling helpless. I'm not going to feel like that any more. Not sure where to begin to not feel like that but I'm going to do it. Thanks for all of your support! I needed it!