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| Sat, 03-22-2008 - 3:46am |
Here's the short version of my four year marriage:
I eloped with my husband after high school. We kept it secret because we knew everyone would say we are too young and disapprove. We figured we'd tell everyone after our college graduation. We had never really talked intimately in junior and high school so our relationship after high school was rushed.
Eventually, we thought his parents had found us out despite the lengths we took to hide our marriage. We were mistaken came out publicly with our marriage. Our parents threw us a wedding reception for our first year anniversary. That night was the first time I noticed that my darling did not cope well with stress. He drank himself silly after 3/4 of the guests had left. That was the first of many lonely nights for me, but I was completely in love and overly devoted.
I was completely stunned a couple of years ago when he suddenly left me for someone else and wanted a divorce. We weren't ready for a divorce. We were together every weekend and sometimes on weekdays despite him having a very young gf. Within six months, we were back together. Everything seemed wonderful and then suddenly he wasn't answering my calls. He would flirt with coworkers on the phone blatantly in front of me. He would not return at night. He was drinking like a fish. He was also physically and emotionally abusive. I attributed the sudden change to the childhood he never got over and the stress of his mother's sudden illness. However, as time passed and his mother got stronger, his behavior continued. Finally, last year, I told him I would leave if he did not change. He laughed in my face and said he could do what he wanted, so I left.
Over the months, we acted still as husband and wife out of habit. I gave him divorce papers to sign when I found out he had taken up with two girlfriends. He has finally signed them and moved far away to avoid the pain of seeing of me and to avoid his current gf finding out that he had me and another. He wants start clean. I can understand that.
I thought I was doing okay getting over him. Crying less. Not being at his beck and call completely. Mentioning his name less in conversation...Etc.
Then, I got a phone call this week. One of his family members wanted to tell me that the family was keeping a secret from me. Another reason he moved away was because he got one of his gfs pregnant. It was planned. I am supposed to act like I don't know so that I can guide him in life as a friend: this is what his family wants because he cares about what I think. I am supposed to be his conscience or something.
For some reason, I am very hurt that he chose to impregnate this young girl. I have been able to continue to be his friend and talk to him as if I don't talk to him online on the phone as if I don't know. I will have to get along with his child because he and his gf want one of my best friends to adopt it at least for a while if not longer because they don't feel ready. The girl's parents want her to abort but she refuses, having no idea that he has cheated on her. They are both currently unemployed and both continue to occasionally drink and at times, smoke.
Needless to say, I am very relieved that my divorce will be finalized this summer in light of this new information. However, I am not recovering quickly enough emotionally. I feel that I must recover of this pain before the baby is born if I am to treat the baby well and before I receive any more news about what the darker side of my husband has accomplished through other relatives as seems to be what happens every so often. I heal old wounds just to receive new ones. How am I ever to date if I'm supposed to be his conscience? I am already super busy and somehow I always find time to think about him.
Does his family and I really believe he needs me? Yes. He and I have talked about his flaws and we both believe he has two personalities: the sweet and brilliant guy and the cruel sociopath, but he refuses to go to a counselor.
Why am I making his problems my problems and when will I be able to stop doing so because I have enough problems of my own? Maybe I'm doing okay and I'm just stressing that things won't go well because I worry too much.
So how do I heal quicker? I am not going to jump into another relationship right away like he always does. Seems awfully needy to me when people do that. ..Not that I am not lonely because I am very much so and have been for a long time, even before and during my marriage.
We miss each other a lot and sometimes tell each other that, which makes me all the gladder that I know about the coming baby so I won't go back to him for sure this time. I think that's why his parents didn't tell me...part of why anyway... They wanted me to go back to him.
He is moving back into this state next week. It's still far away but what if I run into him? Will I be able to keep the tears back? Why won't healing go faster? I am too young to be one of those people who take decades to heal. I have every hope of finding trust and love again, but with someone more sane.
How do I stop thinking about him when I'm expected to be his friend? I already keep very busy. I have several jobs and school. I have a few friends and hobbies. I have a new house I love decorating. Yet, in the dead of the night, on quiet weekends, and on long commutes between jobs and school and home...there are the thoughts of him and messages from him that come and keep coming. What would you suggest?

Autumnleaf,
Hi. Glad you found us here on SD&S.
My first thought? Please find a therapist to whom you can vent and present your concerns. I highly recommend you find a counselor who specializes in codependent relationships and codependent issues.
The definition of codependency is that you feel responsible for another persons feelings, actions, and consequences. For the record: YOU ARE NOT responsible for your STBX at all, in any way, for any reason. Not now and not in the future. His family's "request" that you be his "friend" and help "guide him" is absolutely abnormal and outrageous!
Indeed, I'd advise you to cut all ties with him and his family. You have no obligation at all to "help" him or be responsible for any part of his
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Katy
Autumn,
I totally agree with Mkatyb. It's not your job to tell his GF anything. (Again, that's codependent behavior. You aren't responsible for her any more than you are for your STBX.) Even if you did tell her, she would turn on you and blame you for any trouble. So, stay out of it. She'll have to learn the hard way.
Oh and by the way. Stop paying your STBX's bills. Unless they are joint bills (like utilities for your residence or the car note and you've got the car) it's not helping him at all. Like I said, letting go is the best way to help your STBX. Your divorce will sever all legal ties, now you have to learn to let go. Is it hard? Yes, very hard. But here's the truth: if he never suffers any consequences for his behavior and choices, he'll never learn to take care of himself. You're kind of like a parent who never lets their kid fall and skin their knees. It's going to happen and its an opportunity to learn. It's not something you can prevent from happening or make go away if it does.
Get on with your life Autumn. Study hard. Make good grades. Get a good job and get a life of your own. Your STBX will keep making poor choices as long as he's propped up by his family. Let them do the propping up. It's not your job.
Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
P.S. Yes, counseling can be difficult, but its good to do. See if you can find a therapist through your local mental health center. Some of the smartest people in the world have been in therapy. It's always helpful to get good, solid, professional objective help. Plus, a good therapist can help equip you to deal with your STBX and his family.
Take care!
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Some commonly misspelled words on this board:
You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?
CL-Wisdomtooth2020